Chappell Roan has sparked controversy by saying that all of her friends who have kids are ‘in hell’.

In the March 26 episode of the Call Her Daddy podcast, she went on to say: ‘I actually don’t know anyone who is like, happy and has children at this age. I have literally not met anyone who is happy, anyone who has light in their eyes, anyone who has slept.’

Whether or not she meant to, she touched a nerve. That’s an understatement actually, she whacked it with a cattle prod because – in the days since – social media has blown up with people on both sides of the fence reacting.

On one side, you have childfree people agreeing with Chappell, applauding her for saying it how it is. And on the other, you have mothers intent on setting the record straight.

Oh my god, I hate all of the in-fighting.

At a time when motherhood – womanhood, actually – is so politicised, I feel the divide between us on this issue only serves to make us weak in a way we cannot afford to be right now. 

American women have had their right to choose what to do with their own bodies ripped from them, UK women are facing colossal childcare costs that are forcing them out the workforce at a devastating rate, and the rise of conservatism online is seeing more and more childfree women criticised and judged for their own choices.

As someone who is absolutely exhausted thanks to a sleep-averse toddler and a newborn, I’m not sure I’m making a lot of sense at the moment. But I must say that I personally enjoy motherhood.

But more interesting than my own views on the subject, I think, is the emotionally-charged nature of this topic and getting to the bottom of why some mothers might be feeling like ‘hell’.

The crux of this is that from as early as we are cognisant, little girls are told that having children will fulfil them. Subliminally and overtly, we are pretty much conditioned to believe that having children is our life’s purpose. This really is a message that doesn’t do anyone any good.

For those that don’t have children for whatever reason, they’re treated like their life is missing something, that they are unfulfilled and without purpose – which is obviously horrible.

And for those who do have children? Well, therein lies the trigger. It took becoming a mother for me to learn that the formula was a little bit more complicated than baby = fulfilment. 

Because while children are incredibly fulfilling, they will not necessarily completely fulfil you. That is not their job, nor their role. And to be honest, the coolest baby in the world is going to be hard pushed being enough fulfilment that a mother can ignore the society that she lives in.

The society that told her that she needed to ‘have it all’ – the job, the family, the body, the friends, the money, the beauty, the time, the peace, the joy. The reality is, we can’t have all of that. At least, not all at once.

Hence, this is where I believe the ‘hell’ that Chappell discusses comes from.

It is incredibly hard to be a mother in this day and age, but it is very hard to say that out loud because when you do, society’s messaging is parroted back at you. 

You’ve had children now, you should be fulfilled, you should be happy, every single minute of every single day, and if you aren’t, then you have failed.

You’re told you’re ungrateful and that this was your choice, and you should be happy about it. This is incredibly detrimental.

On an individual level, it is this rhetoric that means maternal mental health is so bad. But on a societal level, it is dangerous in a whole new way.

When women don’t feel able to complain about motherhood, to acknowledge the difficulties, to highlight an issue, we prevent them from being able to demand a solution. And we desperately need a solution.

It’s gaslighting of a sort, but one that is so intrinsic to our society. It’s so woven into the tapestry of our culture that we often never get far enough back to see the pattern.

I personally don’t think having children is hell. But I do think for a lot of women, they are having children in hell.

They are exhausted, neglected, overstretched, undervalued, and they’re having to work like they don’t have jobs. On top of that, the cost-of-living means parents are making huge and regular sacrifices.

In spite of all of that, motherhood is beautiful. What we need is women on both sides of this divide to acknowledge that.

To deny the existence of the hell, to negate the bad bits and gloss over the problems, it upholds a system that on one hand takes complete advantage of mothers, giving them no support, financial or otherwise as they get on with the job lauded as ‘the most important’ one they’ll ever have.

And on the other, judges the hell out of all the women who choose a different route for themselves.

As the divide grows ever wider, I worry that within it a truly pervasive misogyny grows.

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing Ross.Mccafferty@metro.co.uk. 

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This weekend marks the return of Formula One for its 75th Season and big changes are afoot…

Lewis Hamilton’s in red, Daniel Riccardo has gone and, for the first time ever, women are making up 41% of viewers, with the fastest growing demographic being those aged 16-24.  

This unprecedented surge in popularity amongst women is thanks, in no small part, to the huge popularity of Netflix’s show Drive to Survive; effectively Keeping Up With The Kardashians but for one of the most exciting sports in history.

The show, which follows the Formula One season, returned for the seventh year last weekend, and if previous stats are anything to go by, it’s likely to amass more than 100 million viewers. 

And while there are grumblings among life-long F1 supporters that the series has attracted a cohort of fair weather fans – mostly girls accused of being more interested in drivers’ outfits than the engineering of the cars they’re racing – the effect the show has had on the sport is undeniable, and exciting.

But I suppose I would say that, because I am one of the aforementioned girlies.

Despite having grown up with the sounds of the F1 every other weekend of my childhood, it was my brother that ended up with a signed Alonso T-shirt framed on his bedroom wall and not me.

Whether I lacked the interest inherently or was excluded from the environment quite consciously, I don’t know. But either way, the F1 is something that I only truly invested in after the first season of Drive to Survive aired.

Relatively late to the game, I soon found myself invested in Hamilton’s wardrobe, familiarising myself with the star signs of most of the drivers, and my interest has only intensified year on year.

The show has made the sport more accessible to women in a way that it wasn’t really before – thanks, no doubt, to the sensational production of the show, which others are now tripping over themselves to replicate.  

Where many men grew up with their father’s teaching them the ins and outs of the sport, for many women, like me, that fell to Drive To Survive’s resident journalist, Will Buxton.

His habit of pointing out the obvious, along with the shows endeavours to familiarise fans with the men beneath the helmets has made it so that 300 million women now follow F1 willingly.

For marketers and advertisers, this now makes the decision to get into Formula One sponsorship an incredibly lucrative business opportunity. 

Forecasts suggest that women will control 75% of discretionary spending globally by 2029, and that more than half of female fans are likely to buy from companies that sponsor women’s sport, compared with just 0.1% of male fans. 

In short, it’s a marketing masterpiece and one that brands are starting to tap into in a very real way.

Charlotte Tilbury made history in 2024 by becoming the first female-founded company to partner with the fast-growing F1 academy – headed up by Suzi Wolfe – and wrap a Formula 4 car in its iconic branding with the slogan ‘makeup your destiny’.

In that same month, partnerships like the one between Abercrombie & Fitch and McClaren were announced and saw women everywhere wearing the racing brand’s signature colour, papaya. 

This year, skincare brand Elemis are sponsoring Aston Martin. This collaboration, and ones like it, reflect a broader trend of increased female engagement in motorsport, and actually, sports in general.

We saw it after the Lionesses won the Euros in 2022; in the fact that there was a 56% increase in women’s and girls’ participation in football overall, with a 140% increase in participation among girls under 16. And we’re seeing it again now with F1.

So it’s exciting that shows like Drive to Survive are making sports more accessible, and it’s vital that brands get behind it.

There’s just one barrier that we still have to overcome, and it’s the most formidable one by far: the average male fan.  

This is the guy that sees a woman in the pub watching a football game and insists she explains the offside rule to him.

The one that needs you to tell him how many points are in a conversion, the starting line for the Chelsea vs Villa game last month, and who won the Euros in 1992 before he’ll consider you a legitimate fan (it was Denmark, in case you were wondering).

He’s the one that is annoyed with Drive to Survive – and not because of its occasional over-dramatisation or misrepresentation of the sport – and finds me and my ilk a constant point of contention.

I could speculate for hours about his motives; perhaps he’s protective of the community that he feels at home in, or maybe his lifelong interest in the sport has given him a sense of entitlement he doesn’t think anyone coming in any later deserves.

He could also be worried that as more traditionally ‘feminine’ things like makeup and fashion encroach on a historically male environment, it will be ruined.

Of course, in reality, an interest in cars is no more important or impressive than an interest in fashion, and appreciating a driver’s outfit doesn’t mean you can’t also care about how they drive, but good luck telling him that.

Had Drive To Survive brought in an influx of new male followers, I’m not sure there’d be the same disparity. But what I do know is that the gatekeeping of the fandom was a very big part of the reason I became as apathetic as I did in the first place.

It’s indicative of a wider exclusionary attitude we have towards women in both sports and sporting environments and we have to change that.

So, with every big move being made by brands in these areas right now, I feel a rush of excitement. 

Finally, the extraordinary value of the fangirl is being recognised for what it is: one of the most powerful commodities of a capitalist society; worthy, at the very least, of a seat in the stands.  

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

Share your views in the comments below.

Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.

This week, she’s giving solid advice on mending old family wounds and being suspicious about a boyfriend’s trip to France.

Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s guidance.

I have a history of fall outs with my eldest brother. When this happens, we stop talking for few months and then I am the one that apologises even thought I am not the cause of the issue. 

The last time, I invited my brother to come with me to a concert, along with another of my brothers. It was supposed to just be me and them but my sister-in-law, asked to come along – fine. 

On the day of concert, I arrived late, but the concert still hadn’t started. I couldn’t find them in the crowd and when I asked one of them to meet me somewhere inside the stadium, both refused because they would lose their good spot. 

I ended up spending two hours at a concert on my own because they literally didn’t want to leave their place. Instead, they called me at the end of concert to ask where I was. I didn’t reply and stopped contact altogether after that. 

I told my other siblings that I don’t want to get in touch with my eldest brother anymore and my sister said I am being unreasonable as it was my fault I got there late. I think they were selfish and didn’t show any respect to me. Am I wrong? 

No, you’re not wrong. In isolation this situation (while being rude of them) might seemingly not be enough to warrant cutting off communication with your brother all together, but it sounds to me that this is just the tip of the iceberg.  

For whatever reason, there is a really frustrating expectation that we have to put up with a lot of s**t from our families, and time and time again we see that boundaries are hardest to implement within these dynamics.

Particularly as women, we are expected to be tolerant, sometimes painstakingly so actually, and it makes people feel really uncomfortable when we eventually snap and say *enough*.  

That’s normally why they tell us that we are being over-sensitive and overreacting, and that’s usually why we find ourselves softening the boundaries we laid down time and time again in order that we might be seen to be a little bit more accommodating, because we’ve been made to feel guilty for the discomfort we caused by trying to advocate for ourselves.  

You will probably always love your brothers, but you might not always like them, and that IS alright. I’m sure that you will be able to get to a place in the future where you are able to exist happily with that acceptance, where you’ve managed your expectations to the point that you can see and enjoy him without the possibility of being disappointed by him when he lets you down, but you aren’t going to get there without boundaries.  

At the moment your brother is disrespecting you, to leave you alone at an event you invited him to, is rude, and that’s not how he should treat the people that he cares about, and it’s not the sort of behaviour you need to put up with either.  

If I were you, I’d write to him and say, in as calm a way as you can, that you were hurt by his behaviour, that you feel undervalued and disrespected and it’s just not a dynamic you’re comfortable with.  

Ask him if he’d ever treat any of his friends in the way he had treated you, and if not, why not? You may be siblings, but the dynamic is still a relationship, and every relationship needs a foundation of respect. If he can’t offer that to you right now then you’re going to need to take a step back.  

I wouldn’t expect a response to be honest but get it off your chest either way. And then get to work untangling your feelings about him, with a therapist if that’s an option for you, and if not, by having a real think about who your brother is vs who you want him to be.  

It’s often the difference between those two things that we find ourselves susceptible to hurt, and it’s worth trying to see if we can work to expect a little bit less, and somehow find a way to be happy with that.

Sending lots of love xx 

My boyfriend/long term situationship has gone to Paris this weekend with a few of his friends, two couples and one single female friend (so in my mind, a couple’s holiday with another woman). 

I let him know a few times the whole thing was making me uncomfortable and ‘jokingly’ asked if he could take me along to test the water. He wouldn’t. 

I’ve now seen on Instagram in every photo of the trip he is stood right next to the female friend. I don’t know if I’m reading too much into the whole thing, but I feel awful and anxious, and a big mess and I haven’t heard from him since he’s been away. Any advice on how to handle this? 

Regardless of what is or isn’t happening on this trip, your feelings are valid, and his reaction to them is (to my mind) a much bigger problem than the woman he is with.  

There are lots of worlds in which you really do have nothing to worry about with her.

For a start, it’s unlikely that he would be so blatant as to cheat on you in front of his friends, least of all while he knows that you know where he is and who he is with.  

It’s natural that the two of them would gravitate towards each other in pictures etc as they are the only two without a partner on the trip, and they’ve probably cultivated a friendship because of that.  

And that really is probably all that it is; contrary to the confusing messaging of When Harry Met Sally, men and women CAN just be friends. Just because they are ‘a man’ and ‘a woman’ together, does not mean that an affair is inevitable, and I really want to stress that, at its core, their dynamic within the group is not an immediate red flag to me.  

What is more of a concern is your boyfriend/long term situationships’s resistance to placate your feelings of anxiety about the trip as a whole. I understand that he might not have been able to wangle you an invite for whatever reason, but I don’t understand why he hasn’t contacted you since he has been away, particularly given as he knows how you feel about him being there in the first place.  

This is a conversation you need to have with him when he is back. It sounds to me that you need a lot more clarity surrounding your relationship and you are well within your rights to ask for that. If the idea of pushing him for some sort of solidified commitment is scary to you, I think you need to have a big think about why that is.  

Sometimes we are scared to ask the question because we don’t want to hear the answer, but in lots of other ways I think this guy is telling you a lot about where you are at right now, and it’s not where you deserve to be. Ultimately, you deserve to feel peaceful and you deserve to feel safe, and it doesn’t sound like this relationship is evoking either of these feelings for you.  

Don’t worry about the girl in Paris; I don’t think she’s the key to this at all. Instead, try to push your boyfriend when he gets back to have a conversation with you about the feelings of anxiety you felt, what he could have done to put your mind at ease, and why he didn’t do any of those things at the time.

There’s a quote I love that says, ‘rather alone than lonely with you’ and I think that might be something to think about here. Sending you loads of luck and love xx 

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

Share your views in the comments below.

Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.

This week, she’s giving out sound advice on what to do if you have an issue with your sibling’s partner and dealing with conflict at work.

Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s guidance.

I am a young woman and recently at work I have been iced out by someone I thought was a friend. We had worked and sat together for just under a year and recently had another woman join our area.

We were all constantly laughing together and texting and just generally having a good time. One of the women was leaving and management decided to have a move around so both girls were moved out of my area while I was away on annual leave.  

Upon my return neither girl spoke to me and when I looked at them to smile and say hello in passing, they avoided eye contact. As someone with depression I find it difficult to make and keep friends and so this loss has affected me deeply and I’m confused as to what I have done to have caused this.

I’m reluctant to speak to the friend now as I find it an awkward situation. How can I move forward? 

Off the bat I need to let you know that I don’t think this has happened because of anything you have done. All too often, when we feel people are annoyed, angry, or even just a little bit off with us, we rack our brains looking for evidence that we did something wrong or that it is somehow our fault.

In reality, when you do something bad enough to warrant a reaction like this from someone, you’d know about it.  

As hard as it is, I really don’t want you to take their behaviour personally. And although that sounds mad and impossible because it is happening to you, I don’t believe it’s happening because of you, and therefore I don’t think you need to make it your problem.

If you have wronged these women to the extent that they will no longer smile at you, it is their responsibility to communicate their issue to you. If they can’t do that, that’s really on them.

I understand that this has hurt your feelings and I am so sorry because that’s really hard, but I want to stress that the person at fault here is not you and you don’t need to move through this with apology, shame, or even awkwardness.  

If you have it in you (and I know this is scary), I’d ask one or both of them outright, over text or face to face, ‘hey, what’s going on, you guys have barely looked at me since I got back…’ and give them the opportunity to behave like grownups and let you know what’s going on.

In the unlikely event that you have done something wrong, this gives you the opportunity to right it. If, as I suspect, their issue is nothing to do with you, they can confirm that too.

There is of course the possibility that they won’t reply at all, which is probably the loudest answer of them all, and in that instance I’d recommend moving on and fast.  

Because you’re all adults, and if they can’t communicate with you in a grownup manner, that is their failing not yours, and you are better off without them. It’s hard to keep your heart on your sleeve after you’ve been burnt, but please don’t let their behaviour scare you off meeting new people and forging new friendships in the future.

You deserve some answers, so get what you can and move forwards as best you can when you get them.  

I have never really got along that well with my sister’s boyfriend, but a few years ago we agreed to be civil towards each other.

Every year we go on a family holiday together – this is a vacation that has been going on for years, way before they got together – but he now joins us. She is the only sibling to have a partner, and he is the only person to come who is not a blood relative.

At no point during these trips away does he offer to pay for anything – not the food, drinks or accommodation.

Am I unreasonable for getting angry about this? I don’t feel I can ever say anything due to our previous history, but I also know I earn significantly less than anyone else in the family so find it hard to fund an extra person’s whole holiday.  

I understand we would have been going away to the same accommodation anyway and they share her room, but there would have been one less mouth to feed. It would be great to have some advice on this, thanks.

This is grating and, no, I don’t think you’re unreasonable. On principle, this is the sort of thing that would really get to me too, so I hear you. Even if it weren’t your money, and it were just your parents or sister footing the bill for him, this is the sort of injustice that makes me cross to watch.

And of course your feelings are only going to be exacerbated by the fact that you’re stretching yourself to fund something that the guy in the next-door room is enjoying at your expense.

A guy who you don’t particularly like, I might add.

While you need to suck it up to a degree, as it’s your sister and this is the guy she’s chosen to be with, I think when it comes to this specific issue there is a way for you to have a conversation that doesn’t need to be the most awkward thing ever.  

Rather than framing it as an issue you have with him not paying, perhaps you could position it as an issue you have with paying. This gives you a bit of license to dance around the point but enables you to say to your sister, or parents, or whoever is best positioned to make a change: ‘I love this trip and it’s the highlight of my year but it’s expensive and obviously I don’t earn as much as everyone else. It would be great if maybe we could look at a different way of covering the costs…’

This gives you the chance to bring up (gently) how certain members of the group could do more to pull their weight. Honestly though, I think you’re also within your rights to say something a bit more direct to your sister too.

It doesn’t have to be a huge trip down memory lane rehashing all your past beef; it can literally just be a ‘great that he comes, not great that he doesn’t offer to pay for anything’ sort of thing.  

Before you do any of it though, I think you need to work out what it is you want to achieve. If it’s a greater sense of justice then you might need to manage your expectations a bit as it sounds as if you know who he is and don’t expect him to change much.

But if there’s a tangible difference that you think can come from the conversations, have them, because otherwise it’ll eat you up. In cases like this I’d always recommend the most peaceful route available, and only you know which outcome will give you what you need.  

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

Share your views in the comments below.

Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.

This week, she’s giving out sound advice on how to set boundaries with an over-sharing parent and having different standards of cleanliness to your partner.

Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s guidance.

I am a messy person and pretty lazy when it comes to household chores. I let my chair wardrobe build up a bit too long, and I prefer to do one big clean at the end of the week rather than tidy up as I go along.  

It’s safe to say I would never let my place get unbearably messy, and all chores will get done, but it’s just not my routine to do a little bit every day when it makes more sense to do it while I’m doing the hoovering, mopping, bedding change anyway.  

I’m happy with my system, but I’ve just moved in with my boyfriend, who is the opposite. If I’m cooking, I’ll clean the kitchen after I’ve eaten the meal, but he’s the type who will tidy up as he goes along. I accept that we both have different styles of doing things and that’s fine, but he is convinced his way is the only right way to do things, and it’s already stressing me out.  

I think I’m so much in my habits right now that changing is going to be really hard, but I also want him to loosen up a little and see things my way. Am I a slob in desperate need of house-training, or is he being a control freak? 

I don’t think either of you are either of those things; I think you’re just operating at either end of a spectrum and that’s actually an incredibly normal dynamic within a relationship. At least I hope it is because that’s my husband and I, to the letter.

While I have become a lot more organised since having kids and he’s relaxed into a bit more chaos, when we first got together we could not have been wired more differently.

I was a floordrobe girl, he was a ‘put the toaster back in the cupboard after you’ve finished with it so as not to clutter the surfaces’ guy (yes, really). Obviously we’d argue about this a lot because, that’s what you do in relationships, and from time to time we’ll still butt heads over our different approaches. But we have grown together in order to create a happy and harmonious existence for the both of us… (read: we compromised).  

I think you’d do well to talk to your partner about it at a time when you’re not already cross about it; don’t try and have this conversation mid fight or when one of you is frustrated with the other.

Ask him what his big bugbears are and, in turn, draw your own line in the sand. Clear communication is the key to this. There’s so much that changes when you live with someone and the adjustment across the board is just a really big one; it forces you to be a better communicator because if you rely solely on the hope that your boyfriend is going to read your mind and do this very specific thing that you want him to do, then you will invariably end up disappointed.

There will be stuff he can let slide, but things he needs you to meet him half-way on, and vice versa. But without having the conversation, you won’t know what each other’s big triggers are until you stumble upon them accidentally.

That equates to basically playing a perpetual game of minesweeper; you know there are bombs scattered around the place, but you’re not sure where they are. That is not a relaxing environment to cohabit. 

So establish some boundaries or ground rules. If he expects you to magically turn into Marie Kondo overnight then you will disappoint him; if you expect him to press the f**k it button and let the house fall into disarray, you’ll resent him.

My own insecurities around my messiness meant I took my boyfriend’s frustration to heart a lot (and like you, spiralled into this worry that I was a slob). By having an open line of communication on this stuff, you will be able to better manage your expectations for each other.

And that way, even if you can’t both keep your end of the bargain all the time, you’re able to acknowledge it and show really necessary respect to each other.

Both physically and metaphorically speaking, to sweep any of this stuff under the rug won’t make the problem go away, it’ll just leave you with a lumpy rug (which will upset him more than you probably).

His strength is not your weakness, your right is not his wrong. Try and be as chill as you can about it, don’t take it personally, and don’t, whatever you do, let it build up!

My dad started dating again – finally – after him and my mum separated over a decade ago. I’ve been encouraging him to get back out there for a solid five years so I’m just pleased he’s willing to give love another go – he’s a catch. He’s got a pretty decent response on the apps and has been out on a comically large number of dates in the past couple of months, which seem to have gone well.  

I am happy for him, but the whole thing has blown up in my face as my dad has started talking to me about his sexual antics. From how pleasantly surprised he is at his pensioner date’s limberness, to talking about how he’s using moves he never did with my mum (I KNOW), it’s all a bit too much.  

I’ve tried to playfully say, ‘ahhhh I’m your child, please be quiet’ and he’s responded that I’m an adult, and seems a bit hurt that he can’t tell me all about his dates. I don’t want to discourage him from going out there and living life, but I need not to be in therapy for the rest of my life. How do I make it clear that he needs to keep our chats PG?  

Oh no, this is a DISASTER! I didn’t know where I thought we were going with this, but for your sake, I’m very sorry that this is where we ended up. There are times in life for firm boundaries, and this is one of them.

I think the next time he tries to include you in a run down of whatever moves he’s been showcasing recently you need to firmly say:

‘Stop it. I love you, I am delighted for you that you are out dating, and I want to be as big a part of all of your life – dates included – as you’ll let me be. But I am also your child, and while by law, I’m an adult, I’m still YOUR child and we’d do well to remember that distinction. There must be other people in your life you can talk about the sex to, otherwise, please start a diary. You have to leave me out of it because it’s weird.’

You can say it in a nicer way than that, but you’ve got to stay strong with the gist of it. It’s great that the lines have blurred between yours and your dad’s relationship and that you’ve been able to form a great friendship, but first and foremost you are parent and child and the parameters of that relationship need to be honoured at all costs.

If he doesn’t take you seriously when you lay your boundary down, I’m afraid you’re left with only one option and that’s to challenge the man to a game of top trumps.

He wants to tell you about a position? Tell him you love that one. How impressive is that that his pensioner date can do that with her legs? Not that impressive; say you do that all the time.

If he won’t hear sense you might be forced to out weird him. Hope not though, because even typing those words made me feel all kinds of gross. Good luck! 

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

Share your views in the comments below.

Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.

This week, she’s giving out sound advice on how to get your friends to be more supportive, and how to support someone with their mental health.

Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s guidance.

My older sister and I are quite close and, to be honest, I’m worried about her mental health. She’s been having a tough time at work suffering from extreme burnout, broke her leg recently – which means she can’t exercise (her usual stress reliever) – and her friends have been pretty rubbish at making an effort to see her at home. 

I’m worried she’s slipping into depression (which she’s had before) and don’t know how I can coax her into therapy and perhaps antidepressants (which have helped in the past). I’m always here to listen to her, and I’ve made this clear, but I don’t know how much I’m helping. 

I love that you’ve noticed all of this, and I don’t think you should underestimate the value in that and how much you are probably already helping her in ways you might never understand. In seeing her struggle, you are validating it, and I think with that in mind, one of the most powerful things you can do is be so consistent in the way that you’re there for her.

As someone who has struggled with their own mental health this year, one of the hardest things for me has been feeling like a burden to my friends and family. I haven’t wanted to tell them over and over again that I feel rubbish because I assume that they’re all bored of hearing about it (our minds really are our own worst enemies sometimes!).

Showing her that you’re still there, and not bored – whether it be with a Facetime at the same time every day or a text when you wake up to say good morning – demonstrates that you’re not going anywhere and is incredibly valuable.

As for the suggestion of therapy or antidepressants, I don’t think it’d be overstepping for you to bring this up with her.

Of course, there’s always the risk that she might initially be defensive or reactive at the suggestion (particularly if she’s been trying hard to hold it all together; to hear that you can see through the mask might be a bit upsetting for her to hear), but if she’s been down that road before, I’d say the chances are that she’d be receptive to it.

She might even be grateful; often admitting that we need help is a scary thing to do, and it’s easier with someone holding our hand. If it were me I’d approach it from the angle of her having lost the thing that normally enables her to cope since she broke her leg.

Ask her how she’s managing without exercise and if she’s been able to find anything to replace it. This gives you the opportunity to show her some real empathy and suggest some short-term solutions to help get her through a crap time.

She’s lucky to have you there and I have no doubt that she’ll be OK with you by her side. If you’re really worried please do check out the Mind website for more

I’ve recently found out I’m coeliac. It’s been a long time to get a diagnosis and I am glad that I finally know what’s been causing me so much pain and discomfort over the years. Since cutting out gluten, I feel empowered in my body for the first time in years and like I can be myself again. 

But my family and lots of my friends are being actively unhelpful. From dismissing the severity of coeliac disease, to inviting me round to dinner only to have made meals containing gluten, to not checking whether I can even eat at restaurants they’ve booked, it’s incredibly frustrating. 

I get that they may not understand, but considering they’ve seen me go through hell the past few years, I really thought they might be slightly more empathetic.

This IS incredibly frustrating and while I’m delighted that you have finally got your diagnosis and are starting to feel better within yourself, I’m really sorry that so many of the people in your life have been so unhelpful.

I don’t want to make excuses for them because their behaviour is not only really selfish and hurtful, but as I have no doubt you already know, you’re living with a condition shrouded in misconception and one that has wrongly (and fairly consistently) been stigmatised.

So much social media and media chatter over the last 10 years has been about how ‘millennials can’t handle anything anymore’. Everything from gluten free pasta, to vegan sausage rolls, to suffering with your mental health has been politicised as part of this ‘war on woke’ stuff.

It feels inevitable, therefore, that conditions like coeliac disease are being totally undermined, and I imagine it’s incredibly exasperating for you, as a sufferer, to have to contend with all these preconceptions and assumptions, on top of the physical side of things.

Like I say, I don’t want to excuse away their behaviour because it isn’t acceptable, but I think that might go a way to explaining why the severity of the condition is often underestimated.

With that in mind I think you need to be really clear with your boundaries, as painful and uncomfortable as that might feel. You need to tell your friends and family: ‘I cannot come to dinner if you can’t ensure that the food prepared is totally gluten free. I can bring my own food if that is easier, or you can come to mine, but I need to be 100% sure before I come over, that this is something you can do. I cannot afford to take this risk with my health, this is a really serious condition and I need you to treat it with the seriousness it, and I, deserve.’

This is not a message that needs to be filled with apology; you are stating a fact and advocating for yourself in the way that you need to. It’s easy to feel like a burden, or a pain, or like you’re being really difficult, but you’re really not asking for that much.

And I know a part of this will be rooted in the pain that you have to say anything at all, seeing as, like you say, these people have watched you suffer for years and should have a vested interested in your health going forwards.

It IS disappointing when the people we love don’t show up in the way that we want them to. But it’s also an inevitability sometimes too. People can only give us what they’ve got, and sometimes it’s not enough.

I’m really proud of you that you’re feeling empowered in your body again, and I’d encourage you to channel that energy into strident self advocation going forwards. You deserve to eat and to be well, and to be advocated for and supported by the people in your life.

If your friends and family cannot show up for you in the way you need, it’s not for you to risk your own suffering to appease them. Rather, it’s on them to step up and be what you need. Be firm in that and let’s hope they rise to the occasion. 

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

Share your views in the comments below.

Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.

This week, she’s giving out sound advice on what to do when your friend seems to have been roped into a pyramid scheme, and why it’s important not to compare yourself to your peers.

Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s guidance.

While I know life doesn’t end at 30, at the moment I feel like I am seriously behind all my peers. All around me friends are getting engaged, married or having families and buying houses – even my younger sibling is due to be moving out at the end of next month. 

Meanwhile I’m still living at home, my career feels like it’s stalled and the things I want to do – like travel and move out – seem to be getting further and further out of reach and it feels like I am running out of time. How do I overcome this feeling of failure, and aside from freezing time, what can I do to feel like I’m not massively behind in the rat race of life? 

You are NOT running out of time. I know it feels like it, not least because there is huge societal pressure.  

It’s human nature to compare yourself to those around you, but it’s become inevitable that you do so on a bigger scale due to the exposure we have to everyone else’s lives thanks to social media. 

On top of that, you’ve lived your life with the very distracting tick-tock of your ‘biological clock’ being boomed out of little speakers wedged into every corner of your life, but none of that is really real.

There is absolutely nothing that says you have to be living your life in any kind of way, or that you are somehow behind everyone else just because your life isn’t where you thought it might be right now. 

No one starts in the same place as you (no, not even your younger sibling), and it’s therefore completely nonsensical to behave as if you are in any kind of race with them, not least of all, because our finish lines are all in different places, too. 

More than 10% of people aged 30-34 are thought to be living at home with their parents, by the way. And with the cost-of-living being what it is, I have no doubt that this is becoming MUCH more common and it’s nothing to be ashamed of! 

Nor is being single, or in a job that you don’t see being your forever. Life has a funny way of working out how it’s supposed to, and there’s something to be said for trusting in that from time to time. 

My friends and I are all in our early thirties now, some are married with kids, some are single, some starting new businesses, some divorcing, some moving home, and some starting again. My brother packed his whole life up and moved to Australia last weekend, 10 years later than he thought he would have done. 

It can feel like time is running out, and that you ought to have it all together by now, but that’s absolutely not the case. You’ve only been an adult for 12 years. And you’re going to be one for another 50 or 60. There’s a lot to do, and a lot to learn, and a lot of time in which to do it. 

Try to broaden your horizons a little bit when it comes to the content you consume online and the people you surround yourself with; look for others in the same position as you. There are communities like The New Circle Society that are specifically for women your age to make new friends, and solo travel excursions being planned all the time. 

If you hate your job, it’s not too late to pivot, to quit, or restart. If I were you, I’d try to get it all out, write it all down; your hopes and dreams and wants and plans, and once you can see it all laid out in front of you, start advocating for yourself. 

I promise you, you’ve got a lifetime ahead of you and what’s meant to find you, will. Until then, try to enjoy your mum’s cooking for as long as you’ve got it xxx

Recently my friend started a new side-hustle. She went from being someone who rarely posted online to acting a lot like an influencer. She mostly posts about this specific product – a fitness programme which she personally uses and loves – and tries to get others involved, including me.

I’ve personally declined as, while on the surface it looks like she’s trying to help people, the language reeks to me of being a pyramid scheme: lots of ‘financial flexibility’ ‘ditch the 9-5 job’ and ‘grow your own business’ type phrases. I’m trying to be a supportive friend on her new venture, liking her posts etc, but I’m worried she’s involved in something that could potentially be quite dodgy. How do I support her but still warn her that what she’s involved in might not be all it’s cracked up to be? 

This is a modern-day nightmare and I know that for certain because I was that friend. Perhaps not quite so heavy on the ‘read the caption to find out how I built a mansion in Bali’ stuff, but I do admit to having spent a long time being a huge source of embarrassment to myself and everyone that knew me as I grew my following online. 

I have long since said, if I could block everyone who actually knew me from following me, then I would do so in a heartbeat because there’s something very horrible about the para-social relationship coexisting with the irl relationship. 

You try not to care about whether or not your friends are liking your posts or watching your stories or whatever, but it’s hard not to take it personally when they don’t. So I think with that in mind, I’d keep tapping through and liking as much as you can. I know it feels like a seal of approval or an endorsement of some kind but the only tangible thing those likes translate to is your support of her and that feels important to your friendship. 

In terms of relaying your concern to her about the business model as a whole, I think the best way is to do your own research into the brand and to take what you find to her in a tactful way. 

If there was a disparaging article about the company for example, you could just text it to her with a ‘isn’t this the company you’re with? Do you know about this?’, or ask her next time you see her ‘hey, I was reading more about the work you do, and I was wondering if you could explain this to me?’

The chances are, she’s done her research, knew the risk and made the decision anyway, in which case she may well have answers for you. They might dissipate your anxiety, they might worsen it, but honestly I think that’s as much as you can do. 

By putting the evidence in front of her, and gently expressing concern around the morality or legality of what she’s doing, I think you’re doing as much as you can, any more than that and you risk being critical to the point of judgemental and that won’t do your friendship any good. 

By this point I’ve known a surprising amount of people who have gone down the ‘tell enough people about this face cream and you can earn a White Mercedes’ road, and actually, I’m yet to see any of them in a White Mercedes. 

That is to say, I’m not sure there’s much longevity to the career. I suspect this may well fizzle out of its own accord, and that’s probably as much as you can hope for. 

Until then I think the best course of action is to keep cheering (however half-heartedly) from the side lines, and don’t, whatever you do, ‘ditch your 9-5’ in the quest for ‘financial flexibility’ and ‘to grow your business’. 

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

Share your views in the comments below.

Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.

This week, she’s giving out sound advice on what to do with a nightmare flatmate and navigating discussions about STIs in new relationships.

Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s advice.

My flatmate is driving me mad. I know everyone complains about who they live with but it’s getting beyond a joke. Whether it’s the inconsiderate way he parks his bike in the living room, the constant stealing of my food, or the loud sex at all hours of the day when I’m in the house – I’m at my wit’s end.

How do I deal with this nightmare living situation without having to move back in with my parents or worse, grass him up to the landlord?  

In and of themselves, these feel like sackable offences, but when done together they make up a trifecta of VERY bad flatmate-ing. I totally understand your frustration and there is a very big and very petty part of me that wants to give you some horrible advice, which I feel fairly confident you should ignore.

As satisfying as it might be, you probably shouldn’t replace pots of yoghurt with mayonnaise or write out ‘will you be my girlfriend’ in rose petals the next time you know he’s likely to bring a woman back after a first date.

And you definitely shouldn’t loosen the valves on his bike tyres so that he can’t get to work on time, or start blaring Bible passages out through the speakers every time you hear the sex starting up again.

What you should probably do instead, is write down a list of issues that you have with him, both personally, and in the capacity of cohabitants, and ask him nicely to modify his behaviour.

There is the (remote) possibility that he really has no idea how his actions are making you feel, and all that needs to happen in order for him to show you more respect, is for a better line of communication to be opened up.

Stress how frustrating you find it when he eats your food and make him aware of the cost of him doing so, too. See if there isn’t a compromise to be had on the bike thing (maybe a wall mount above the front door or a bike box if you have any outside space?).

The sex thing is awkward, and you might just need some good headphones to get around that issue, but either way, get all of your grievances down in one place and give him the chance to make it better. He might just be really (really) ignorant, having spent his life prior to living with you with someone picking up after him.

Keep in your back pocket the caveat that if he doesn’t meet you in the middle, you will have no choice but to tell the landlord of the ways in which he is breaking his contract (if, in fact, he is). With any luck you won’t need to follow through with this and kindness and respect will prevail.

But know that either way you’ve got a right to your space and to feel comfortable and respected within that. Accept that everyone has their s**t, and there’s always a compromise in every situation, which, as long as you’re splitting the rent, needs to be shared out equally as well.  

Every three months since I turned 18, without fail – I’ve got a routine STI test. It’s always been part of my life and I have a calendar reminder to make sure I get it because I take my sexual health seriously. Only now it’s causing problems with my boyfriend of six months, who is getting equal parts suspicious and offended saying that either I must be cheating or I must suspect him of cheating if I want to get tested even though we’re exclusive. Is there any way to reassure him without compromising my own sexual health? 

I hugely respect how seriously you take your sexual health and think a lot of people could learn a lot from you when it comes to making, and attending, these appointments. In fact, there’s evidence to suggest that over half of sexually active people in the UK have never had an STI test at all, with very few getting checked regularly.

And that’s not good – but I think it’s important to be aware of in order to understand why your boyfriend might have questions about the need for you to get tested so regularly.

Sexual health education in this country is woeful and, as a result, there is a lot of ignorance around the need for regular screenings. The assumption, of course, is that you’d only need to go if you had unprotected sex with a stranger, or if you were showing symptoms of something.

Since you’re so early into a new relationship – and knowing what I know about the misconceptions surrounding STIs – I can see how your boyfriend has ended up at the conclusions that he has.

But he’s going to need to put his ego aside for a minute while you have this conversation, and I am sure that when he does, he’ll see that ultimately, you have good reason to do what you are doing.

Not least of all because many STDs can lie dormant for many months or years before showing symptoms. For women, of course, the one we hear a lot about is the HPV virus, since some types can cause cervical cancer (although actually HPV can cause six times of cancer, including anal and penile cancer).

This is how you need to talk to your boyfriend about it. Reassure him that this isn’t about him or his fidelity, and it’s certainly not about yours. Listen to his concerns and try not to invalidate his feelings or insecurities as you reiterate that this is not personal; it has always been and will always be a means of ensuring you are as healthy as possible.

Medical advice is that even those in monogamous relationships should get tested once a year, and that’s something you can talk to him about in a research-backed way. Perhaps as you settle into the relationship you might feel comfortable going a little less frequently, and hopefully, he’ll feel comfortable going a little more. 

Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.

This week, she’s giving out sound advice on how to make friends at the school gates and unfair expectations when it comes to caring for an elderly parent.

Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s advice.

How do I talk to my siblings about caring responsibilities for our elderly mum? My mum is in her 80s and, after a recent fall, it’s become clear that she’s going to need more help getting around and assistance just making sure she’s well fed, clean and living comfortably. I’m trying to get a rota system set up with my two brothers to take turns popping in and checking in on Mum, or even calling her, but they’re being no help at all. One insists she’s fine and the other says he’s too busy and says we should move her into a home (something she does not want and/or need at the moment).

I don’t want to have to take this on alone and I’m feeling quite a lot of feminist rage that, as the only daughter, it seems to be falling to me. My husband says I shouldn’t lift a finger until my brothers do, but with my mum’s wellbeing at stake, it’s not a gamble I’m willing to risk. What should I do? 

I am SO sorry for you and frustrated on your behalf and I absolutely hear you on the feminist rage. 

As *baity* as I may be accused of being by a couple of men for whom this doesn’t apply in the comments, I’ll validate what you’re saying entirely. This is a story as old as time; caring responsibilities very often fall to the daughter, since the foundations of the patriarchy dictate that women are the nurturers within the family. 

In telling us, for example, that girls mature faster than boys do, we craft the dynamic in such a way that it’s almost inevitable that your brothers feel that you are somehow better equipped to deal with your mum’s needs now than they are.  

Which you are, by the way – not because of your gender, but, by the sounds of it, because of your empathy and your kindness. 

It must be very disappointing to know that you and they are looking at the same thing and having totally different responses, but I think with that in mind the first thing you need to do is make peace with who your brothers are. 

Resentment is like taking a poison and expecting the other person to die. Ultimately, your anger at them is hurting you the most and that is not what you need right now. So, while I’m not saying you need to accept their inaction, I think you do need to accept their shortcomings and stop expecting anything more from them emotionally. That will, invariably, just lead to disappointment.  

I hear what your husband is saying, and I wish I could agree with him that putting down these responsibilities would force your brothers to pick them up, but it’s a game of chicken that you’re right not to want to play. 

And I’m sorry because that does mean that you’re going to need to keep pushing forwards here.

If it were me, I think I’d lean into the matriarchal role I was being forced into and get *incredibly* bossy with them. I’d make it very personal, in the way that only siblings can, and I’d tell them they were lazy and selfish, that they were disappointing me and my mum. 

I’d tell them that they have a responsibility to the woman that raised them to step up right now and I’d tell them that I point blank refuse to handle this on my own anymore (even though, unfortunately, if it came to it, I would). 

I’d give them a schedule, a roster, a list of things they need to do and tell them in no uncertain terms that they are going to do what you’re telling them. And then I’d suggest you book yourself a day off to go and scream in the woods somewhere, have a massage and drink a load of wine before maybe booking an appointment with a therapist to help you through this really tough time, which you’re handling brilliantly, by the way. 

I’m sorry for you that the burden is so heavy, and while I like to hope that we are never given more than we can carry, it is OK to be exhausted. I hope, at the very least, you’ve got someone to hold your hand through all of this.  

I’m really struggling to make mum-friends at my son’s school. He’s just switched primary schools as we’ve moved to a new area. While he’s settled in well, I haven’t so much and am desperate to find some mates but so far I’ve struggled at the school gates. Everyone seems settled into their friendships already.  

Oh, this is TOUGH. I don’t really have many mum friends either and it’s felt like big ‘first day of school’ energy trying to make them. As playdates and birthday parties and nativity plays start rolling around, I have no doubt that you’ll start to find your feet within the community, but I think until then it might be a case of channelling your son’s confidence with his new peers and seeing if you can emulate it. 

Most people are good people, and so many mums crave the company of others. I am SO sure you aren’t the only one feeling like this (even though it can often feel as if you are), and so as much as it feels like you are being thrown back into the school environment yourself, and the popular mums might be about to raid your lunchbox and pull your hair, I am hopeful that if you were to approach any of the mums at the gate, and strike up a conversation – ‘nice shoes’, ‘bad weather’, ‘aw isn’t your son adorable’, type thing – you’d be met with warmth. 

And while your first attempt might not land you with a BFF, if you open yourself up to enough possibilities, whether that be just at the school gates or maybe at local kids’ classes or meetups, your people will find you. 

It’s such a daunting thing; it’s something I really relate to and so I don’t want to undermine how you’re feeling, I just want to remind you that everyone was where you are once, and no one is ever as sure of themselves or confident as we think they are. 

You’ve every right to be there and to put yourself out there. I think a big smile goes a long way and I hope that it pays off for you really really soon.  

Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.

This week, she’s giving out sound advice on what to do when your teen falls in with the wrong crowd, and how to handle your partner’s obnoxious friends.

Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s advice.

I’ve started going out with someone great, and so I was excitedly nervous when he introduced me to his friends a couple of months ago. After the first meeting, I wasn’t entirely keen but I kept my thoughts to myself and thought I should give them another chance. But it turns out, I just really, really dislike my new boyfriend’s friends. 

They’re elitist, crass, and really not afraid of sharing their own – sometimes offensive – opinions loudly. They drink like fishes, splash the cash, and at 30, still think drinking games are fun. They’re just not my kind of people. 

I’ve tentatively expressed to my boyfriend (who is so different from them, it’s unbelievable) that his friends certainly aren’t shy, and he’s said that they might be uncouth, but they’re his oldest friends and that he loves them. I would never suggest he stops seeing them, but is there a way for me to say I don’t want to see them, that won’t automatically end our relationship?

I understand why his friends are a turn-off, not least of all because people do tend to be an amalgamation of the people they spend the most time with. And at a time when our politics divide us perhaps more than they ever have, it is hard to rationalise how people we like and respect can in turn, like and respect others with such wildly different world views to our own.

But it happens, and some people just have rubbish friends. Now I won’t pretend it’s ideal that you don’t like them, but I also don’t think it has to be a dealbreaker either.

I don’t think you need to make some huge declaration, forcing him to choose between the two of you, I think you can just say something along the lines of: ‘honestly these nights out with your friends are really just not a vibe for me, I feel like we’re really different people and I don’t love the atmosphere so I’ll give these boozy occasions a miss and maybe catch them for a Sunday lunch sometime or something.’

While your boyfriend may be hurt and initially defensive, the fact that he has described them as uncouth, probably means he knows full well who these people really are, and this won’t come as a massive surprise.

Take stock in the fact that your boyfriend chose you to be in his life and has put effort into getting to know you and show you who he really is. The relationship he is in with his friends, by contrast, is more passive, a familiar and comfortable environment he’s grown in and with.

His choice in you is a better reflection of who he is right now than the friends who’ve come with him through the eras. So it’s inconvenient and long term might throw up some tricky conversations about morality, group holidays, wedding invites, seating plans and godparents.

But for right now I think you can dance around the issue in a way that shouldn’t alter the course of your relationship too drastically, and I wish you luck!!

My tween has just gone back for her second year of secondary school and I’m nervous about her friendship group, which started forming at the end of last year.

She’s fallen in with some of the more ‘popular’ girls and she’s gone from being quite a sweet, introverted child, to an eye-rolling 12-year-old ‘mean girl’ who now laughs at the expense of other less popular students.

My husband and I didn’t raise her this way and it’s hurting us to see her act like this. I know some of it might be down to puberty, but I really think it’s the bad influence of these girls she’s surrounded herself with. When I’ve met them, I’ve honestly felt like I might be bullied – and I’m in my 40s!

I feel like banning her from spending time with them will only drive her further into their influence, but I don’t know what else to do. 

I imagine this is one of the hardest parts of motherhood, as I’m sure I was an absolute *horror* for my mum to deal with when I was at the age your daughter is now.

I don’t envy the situation you’re facing in the slightest and I wish I had an answer for you. Alas, teenage girls are an enigma and so instead I think this might be a case of trying a few different tacks, and mustering as much patience as you can manage while you try to crack her.

I think in the short term, I’d endeavour have a conversation from a place of love and concern, rather than anger. No one wants to be told that they’re hurting someone, or that they’re behaving in a way that is disappointing someone that they love. That is the message you need to convey, but without blaming her new friends outright, for the risk is that, as you say, that will push her closer to them.

Maybe take her to do something just the two of you and talk about those less popular students she’s being unkind to, tell her stories of your own time at school or maybe times in your life in which you felt picked on by other people and how that made you feel.

Explain to her the effect that bullying or belittling can have and help to humanise those she’s hurting. And if it were me, I think I’d probably pull out the classic, ‘I’m not angry, I’m disappointed’ line on her. 

Longer term I think it’s important to consider that she is (as so many of us were as teenagers) feeling insecure within herself and it is perhaps the easiest course of action for her to cling to the cool girls and behave in whatever way she needs to in order to feel accepted.

With that in mind, don’t tell her to cut herself off, or that she needs to drastically alter how she behaves, else you run the risk of panicking her and furthering the insecurity and worsening the problem.

Instead, continue to empower her to feel good and confident within herself, so that she becomes sure of who she is and is able to behave more authentically.

We know that hurt people hurt people, and being a teenager does just HURT, so you and your husband need to keep doing what you’re doing to create a warm and safe and kind environment for her to grow in, in the hope that as she finds herself, her big heart can shine through.

You sound like a great mum, and I have no doubt you’ll get through this together. Wishing you luck and patience! xx

Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.

This week, she’s giving out sound advice on appropriate stag do behaviour, and what to do when your untalented friends wants to pursue a singing career.

Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s advice.

My best friend is trying to launch a singing career but just isn’t very good. He’s started posting clips of his songs on social media and keeps inviting us to gigs. Do I tell him (gently) to rethink his plans or just grin and bear it?

GRIN AND BEAR IT!!!

This music industry is one of the most brutal I can think of – one that barely makes any space for the most talented of singers – and so I suspect your friend will learn the lesson you feel obliged to teach him one way or another anyway. With that in mind, I’d protect your friendship, and his feelings, for as long as you can.

Support him because it’s the right thing to do, because you might as well, and because the world is tough enough.

Like his videos, go to his gigs, sing along with his songs and know that karma will smile fondly on you for doing so.

More importantly, feel warm and fuzzy in the fact that as your friend lays it all bare and tries something ridiculously daunting, he’s got his delulu bestie in his corner. As he should.

I found out from a friend that my husband got a lap dance at a strip club on his friend’s stag do and I’m furious. He says all the stags did for a laugh but I don’t think that’s an excuse. I can’t bring myself to look at him but a couple of my friends whose husbands also went on this stag said I’m overreacting. Am I? 

It’s not for me to tell you that you’re overreacting, and it’s not for your friends to do either.

You know your own boundaries within your relationship, and those aren’t for anyone else to define. While I hear your husband’s assurances that it was just supposed to be a ‘laugh’, if you don’t find it funny then it’s absolutely not an excuse.

I imagine you’ve had these conversations with your husband before, and he therefore knows that he has crossed the line with this behaviour, not least of all because you didn’t hear about it from him, rather, through a friend – which gives you further ground to be pissed off about this.

As far as I see it, this whole thing is between you and him.

Within every relationship the boundaries are different, and just because your friends are OK with their husbands getting a lap dance, or behaving in a certain way when they’re away, it doesn’t mean you have to be OK with your husband getting one.

Don’t let them you tell them that, and definitely don’t let him tell you that.

You have every right to communicate your annoyance and hurt at his behaviour and to feel that he betrayed you in what he did. I hope there’s nothing more to it than ‘lads being lads’ and stag-do antics getting a bit out of hand, but that doesn’t mean you need to accept it.

I actually hate this ‘ball and chain’ rhetoric that basically just exists to make women feel like they’re being dramatic for communicating any sort of boundary, or that they’re being overdramatic or a fun-sponge by having any sort of reaction to things they don’t want to put up with within their relationship.

It’s tedious and tiring and not constraints you need to operate within. Be cross, be furious, and work it through with your husband however you want. Good luck xx

Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.

This week, she’s giving out sound advice on how to approach a friend who may have a potential problem with alcohol; and what to say to your parents when they disapprove of the job you love.

Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s advice.

Dear Em, can you help?

My parents keep telling me that I should be aiming higher in my career and that my job isn’t good enough. I know it’s because they think I’m capable of more – they paid a lot for my education – but I actually really like my job. It’s not high status and it doesn’t pay well, but I enjoy it and I can get by.

How do I tell them, lovingly, to get off my back?

I’m SO sorry to hear how your parents are speaking to you.

First things first: if you like your job then that is ABSOLUTELY the only thing that matters. They’re not bankrolling you, and their paying for your education was not an investment that they should have expected a return on later in life.

While I totally appreciate that they want the best for you, it sounds like you’ve got that, in a career that you enjoy, and whether or not you are capable of more is irrelevant. The most a parent can hope for (to my mind), is a happy and peaceful life for their child, and it sounds like you’ve done a brilliant job of building that for yourself, and I think you have every right to say that to them.

If I were you, the next time it comes up, I’d say something along the lines of:

‘While you know I will always be so appreciative of the chances you gave me in life and the incredible start my education gave me, I don’t like to think that it was done on a transactional basis and that you’d expect me to one day need to pay you back with a job that you deem to be ‘good’ enough.

I’m really grateful for the path I was put on, because it’s led me here, to a job that I really enjoy, living a life that I am proud of. It is hurtful to think that in making these choices I am disappointing you, but ultimately I have a responsibility to myself to be happy and I hope in time, you’ll be able to see that that is the most we could really hope for…’

If it’s too terrifying to do it face to face, write them a letter, letting them know how you feel and asking for their support.

If they can’t give it to you, please recognise that as their failing, not yours.

Dear Em, I think my friend has started developing a bit of a problem.

She gets super carried away whenever we go out, buying bottle after bottle for our table, even when the rest of us are done. The night inevitably ends with one of us having to get her into a cab, and the next day she pretends like nothing has happened.

I want to say something but I don’t know what to suggest.

This is such a tough situation to be in and I feel for you, and for your friend – because if you’re right that she is starting to develop a problem with alcohol, then acknowledging it will be a hard thing for you to do, and an even harder thing for her.

There’s always the possibility that she is all right and this behaviour, although tiring and worrying for you, is an indicator of a wild personality and inability to handle her booze, rather than burgeoning alcoholism.

But you know your friend, and often, a problem is easier identified from the outside.

Now, I have to stress that I am in no way a professional in this area – but it is a scenario I’ve been in a few times in my life now with people I love, some of whom have grown up and settled down and been absolutely fine, and others who have had to seek help and treatment for their addictions.

I’ve had my heart broken in this time by the hardest lesson that I ever learned, and that’s that you can’t save a person, or force them to get help, or really even help them to get better. That is something they are going to have to do for themselves, because they want to, and because they need to.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t tell her that you’re worried about her, and it doesn’t mean you can’t be there for her either. There’s an incredible group called Al-Anon that helps loved ones of addicts and you may benefit from visiting one of their sessions, to learn how best to help your friend.

There are absolutely ways you can talk to her about it, but ensuring that she feels that it comes from a place of love, not judgment, is imperative.

Equally, having the conversation in a way that enables her to open up to you and doesn’t make her feel that she needs to shut down and run away is key. This can be done by sending her a text beforehand to give her a heads-up of what you’d like to talk to her about, so as to make sure she doesn’t feel blindsided or attacked.

Knowledge is power so read up on this as best you can, check out Al-Anon, and when you feel ready to, find a way to have this conversation with your friend. It might be the very thing she needs to hear and even if it’s hard initially, knowing that you’re there for her will be invaluable.

Good luck, to both of you xxx

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

Share your views in the comments below.

Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.

This week she’s handing down sage guidance on how to stop feelings of jealousy amongst friends.

Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s advice.

Dear Em, two of my mates met at my birthday party a couple of months ago and have become really good friends. 

They’re both lovely people, so it’s no wonder – but I’m starting to feel jealous. Every time I’ve seen either of them independently, they’ve asked about the other and I know they speak pretty much daily. 

On the one hand, I know I’m being immature and should just let these two adults get on with a new friendship, on the other, I feel a bit neglected. 

Should I say something or just accept it?

I don’t think you’re being immature and I think it’s absolutely inevitable that you feel the way you do. 

It’s only natural to feel protective of the friends that we have and to let insecurities creep into the important platonic relationships in our lives. 

So I completely hear you. This must be hard, and it’s an interesting one for me to answer, because two years ago I myself was a friend thief to my own best-friend. 

At her 30th party, I told another of her friends that I was pregnant, and she told me she was too, and we ended up becoming really good friends. 

I didn’t have many friends with kids and nor did my husband – our daughters were born two days apart and we now all spend loads of time together. 

Truth be told, I don’t know how I would’ve got through the last two years without her. That friendship has become so valuable to me. 

And wonderfully, I don’t think it has changed the relationship either of us have with our OG bestie either. In fact we’re both bridesmaids at her wedding in a couple of weeks. 

But that’s not to say we haven’t both felt bad, because it HAS felt like poor friend-etiquette to do what we did. 

And so karma came for me and gave me a taste of my own medicine recently, when two of my other closest friends started hanging without me. 

And when the shoe’s on the other foot, it is hard not to feel left out, and that’s because at the end of the day, female friendship is complicated. 

Or at least, it often becomes it. When we let feelings of jealousy in, or start getting insecure within ourselves, we have a tendency to assume the worst of the people around us. 

We imagine that our friends get together with the sole purpose of bitching about us (because through this very specific lens it’s easy to forget that they have other things in common besides us!), and that every time they talk they do so in a way that deliberately excludes you. 

In reality, this is not the case. 

I learned that from being in my ill-gotten friendship and I apply that learning to scenarios in which any of my other friends form relationships without me. 

When I step back and remove my ego from all of it, I realise it’s a great thing that my friends are all friends with one another and that everyone comes into someone’s life for a reason, the fact that you’ve been able to connect, and help form a relationship that each of them needed is a great thing. 

So I think you can do both the things you suggested, I think you can accept their friendship, and I think you can say something about it too. 

They’ll know that this is weird for you and will probably appreciate you bringing it up. 

Their liking of each other doesn’t mean they like you any less and there’s no reason they won’t be incredibly kind and cool about it when you bring it up. 

Even if you were just to start a WhatsApp group with the three of you in it saying ‘right you two, I’m happy that you have each other but I’m feeling VERY left out now and I want to rectify it so can please check our diaries and get a dinner in for the three of us, okay thanks love you both.’

It’s honest and to the point, which you’re allowed to be, with two people who still love you. 

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

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Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.

This week she’s handing down sage guidance on how to discuss STIs with a new partner and how to relinquish control when you want everything to be perfect.

Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s advice.

On your podcast recently you were talking about expecting too much from other people and then feeling let down and how you don’t do that anymore. I wanted to know how please?

My hen do is at the end of the month and I want to enjoy it rather than get wound up tight and try to control everything. I have already bought my own bride sash because I didn’t want a tacky one (wtf when the whole point is tacky), I would appreciate any advice thank you. 

OK, look, I’m not a therapist, so I’m not going to get into the woods, armchair diagnosing you. But I absolutely get this need to control and I think a lot of it stems from taking on a lot of responsibility at a young age. 

For most of my life I tried to control everything around me, making other people’s moods and behaviours my business to the point that I didn’t feel I could have fun unless everyone around me was. 

I’d been let down enough times to think I should just handle everything myself in order to ensure things went the way I wanted and needed them to. Honestly writing it down I realise how nuts it sounds, but I had really high standards for myself, and I held everybody else to them as well, and in doing so, I was setting them up to fail. 

If someone couldn’t make it to a party, for example, or bailed on plans, I’d find myself getting unreasonably angry and disappointed, and it didn’t make for a happy place within my own mind, or a fair dynamic within friendships. 

That’s not to say my shift has meant a knocking down of all my boundaries; this isn’t about accepting bad behaviour from your friends, it’s just about expecting human behaviour from them. 

Most of the time, people show us who they are, but for whatever reason, we generally only see them for who we want them to be. 

Let’s take your hen party: if you know your best friend isn’t much of a drinker, for example, the expectation that she’s going to spend the night dancing on the tables will inevitably lead to disappointment when she tells you at 11:30 that she’s calling it a night. 

If you’re pinning all of your fun on her fulfilling this one hope you have, inescapably, your night will end sourly. If you’ve entrusted the planning of the thing to a woman who never replies to messages and is perpetually late, it might be unrealistic to hope that she pulls off synchronised swimmer standard organisation; to hope for a miracle is to end up disenchanted. 

And I take it from the fact that you’ve ordered your own sash, that you already know your taste varies to that of your friends and I think the first step is accepting that that is OK. Your friends cannot read your mind and it’s unfair of you to expect them to. 

Now, if you’ve told them exactly what you want and they’ve disregarded it, that’s something you are within your rights to be hurt and disappointed about. But if you’ve just expected them to know exactly what you want, without having communicated it, invariably, they will get it wrong.

And that isn’t fair on any of you. The trick to much more relaxed happiness for me, has been meeting people where they are at, accepting that everyone is doing their best, and that everyone’s best looks different. 

All you can control is yourself; so with your hen-do coming up, make a deliberate effort to look for the good in the women around you, and try to relax into gratitude for what they have done, rather than frustration for what they haven’t. HAVE FUN!! Xx 

I’m dating this really great guy, but he’s my first since getting an incurable STI diagnosis. Do I tell him I have herpes and how?

Yes yes yes tell him now. I’m so happy for you that you’ve found someone so great, and having herpes is absolutely not a reason for it not to work out. Keeping secrets, though? That is. 

Couples deal with herpes successfully all the time, and many are able to have sexual relations for a long time without ever transmitting the disease. With treatment, condoms, and avoiding sex during flare ups, there’s no reason that herpes has to be a deal-breaker at all. 

I know there’s so much stigma attached to any type of STI but I promise you it’s so much more common than you think. So, while I know it’s nerve wracking, I think the best thing to do is to tell him, sooner rather than later, before you even find yourself in a sexual situation and he feels blindsided. 

Whether it’s face to face or via text if you’re more comfortable, I think it’s absolutely fine to say: ‘Hey look, it’s no big deal, I’m treating it and managing it, but I want you to have all the information before we go any further – I have herpes. There are precautions we can take to protect you from it, but I wanted you to know. I’m attaching some info about it that will hopefully put your mind at ease. I think you are such a great guy and I’m really hoping this won’t change anything between us.’ Or something to those ends. 

Thanks to the aforementioned stigma, he might take a minute to process it – he might even freak out a little bit – but give him a chance to do his own research and come to his own conclusions. 

Millions of people have herpes – who knows, he might even be one of them! Honesty is always the best policy and if he’s as great as you hope he is, I’m sure he’ll take this in his stride. 

Good luck xxx 

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

Share your views in the comments below.

Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.

This week she’s handing down sage guidance on whether a sex amongst friends spells the end of that relationship, and how to exclude siblings from your wedding party.

Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s advice.

I slept with my best friend in a moment of passion, can our relationship survive? I’m 25 and she is 23. We have been friends for years after we met at work. She works in my local gym so I see her often and we socialise and hang out together.

I came out of a bad relationship and she split up with her boyfriend soon after.

We agreed to meet to keep each other company and soon the tension was obvious. We gave into our feelings and spent the night together. It was a case of us being there for each other in that moment of being vulnerable.

The next morning it was clear we made a mistake and agreed to forget it happened. However, it has made me question if our friendship will be damaged. I love her as a friend but I worry it will impact our future.

Can a friendship survive something like this happening?

Yes, in my opinion, a friendship can absolutely survive something like this. Truthfully, I’ve never really understood how sex became such a poison to platonic relationships.

I don’t know if it’s our prudish nature when it comes to intimacy as a whole, and our subsequent resistance to delve particularly far below the surface of another person for fear of what we might find, or if it’s just our absolute fear of nudity that creates that devastating awkwardness between a duo whose bits have bumped each others’, but I think it’s such a shame.

Sex does not have to ruin a friendship, and this does not have to ruin yours.

As for the practicalities, I’d actually recommend not sweeping this under the rug and trying to pretend it didn’t happen, because that’s where things get awkward. You’re tiptoeing around something massive that you have in common, and that just breeds an uncomfortable dynamic.

Bring it up, acknowledge it, joke about it. Let it be a thing that happened, but don’t let it be the thing that happened that you pinpoint as the beginning of the end of your friendship.

It’s actually great, when you think about it, that you were able to be there for each other at your time of need. So I’d take a second to celebrate that, if anything.

Humans are so weird about this sort of thing. My old dog Dodger springs to mind as I write this, who used to make his move on Echo the Labrador like clockwork every month.

Even when they got stuck in the most unnatural and uncomfortable of positions, they were able to get along the next morning like they’d done nothing more intimate than high five. Channel that and good luck!

My mum is desperate for my sister to be a bridesmaid. We aren’t close and I feel so much pressure.

Of all the questions I receive in this role, wedding-related ones are by far the most common. And I think it’s because we’ve been sold the absolute dream when it comes to planning the ‘best day of our lives’.

Instead, we are faced with the painful reality of astronomical catering quotes, work colleagues we don’t even like that much petitioning us for a plus one, and the colossal demands of our families.

I’ve said it once, I’ll say it a thousand times: Perhaps the most underestimated inconvenience of wedding planning is managing the hopes and expectations of our nearest and dearest who, whether they will admit it or not, have also harboured their own dreams for your day, and their involvement in it.

This is compounded by our generation’s pull away from tradition. There was a time when it would have been expected that an unmarried sister might have been a bride’s maid of honour, while her bridesmaids would have been comprised of whatever little girls were in her life.

A bride-tribe is a new concept and I think that’s hard for our parents to keep up with sometimes too. If you don’t want to have your sister as a bridesmaid, bottom line is, you don’t have to have her as one.

But maybe it’s worth weighing up the toll your mum’s pressure, or sister’s disappointment, will take on you and whether or not it’s worth it.

I certainly found some concessions to be beneficial to the process. If you’ve already got five bridesmaids, a sixth might not hurt. Or it might. In which case I’m sure you could find her something else to do? Only you know that.

But I think accepting that wedding planning is a tightrope of compromise is the biggest first step, from there you can pick your battles. Good luck!

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

Share your views in the comments below.

Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.

This week she’s handing down sage guidance on how to deal with your partner’s debt, and navigating issues between your spouse and parents.

Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s advice.

Is it reasonable that my husband refuses to stay at my father’s house at all?  We’ve stayed there a few times before, and he finds the house cold and sometimes smoky from the fire, and thinks the bed is old and uncomfortable. 

My dad has also in the past sometimes gone out golfing while we’re there, which makes my husband feel like he’s not that bothered when we’ve come to see him.

Now we have a baby in the mix too, and my dad has offered to buy a cot in order for us to stay the night there. It’s only one hour drive from us, so my husband would prefer to drive there and back rather than stay, and says the house is ‘unsafe’ for a baby.  

I see his point but while it’s summer it won’t be smoky or cold, so there’s far less excuse, and no need to baby-proof before the baby is crawling, which I guess would be another hurdle later. 

On the flip side, is it necessary for us to stay there? I do feel bad if we spend the night at his parents’ (who are three hours drive away and have lots of grandchildren, so are well prepared for it) and then never with him. It’s not that I really want to, I just feel guilty not ever doing it when I know he’d like us to. 

It feels like part of the reason is the bed being uncomfortable for my husband. Is it reasonable then for me to ask my dad to buy us a new bed, a cot and lots of other baby things in order for us to stay only a few times per year? 

Oh god I don’t envy you, this is a horrible position to be in. Particularly knowing, as you do, that your dad is watching his grandchild spend lots of time at your husband’s parents’ and not with him. 

If it were me, I’d ask my husband to suck it up at least once this summer, let your dad buy a cot, and go and stay. 

If he waltzes off to play golf during your visit, I think you’re well within your rights to cite that next time as a reason for not staying in the future. Similarly, if in the winter it is too cold or smoky or whatever, then you can tell him the truth: That it is not safe for the baby to stay there. 

But I think it would be nice to give your dad a chance to have you all to stay; it may be that the presence of his grandchild will change things anyway. 

It may not, and I want to manage your expectations there. There’s still every chance you’ll have a bad night’s sleep and spend the whole time on edge looking after a baby in a house you can’t relax in, feeling like your dad is not even aware of all the effort you’ve gone to, but that’s family, isn’t it? 

Ask your husband to do it for you, and for your baby. It’s hard to keep perspective now but these are memories we’ll be grateful for one day, and we don’t want to look back when it’s too late and regret it. 

If it’s a disaster, then learn from it – put your boundaries down and insist on day trips and overnighters at yours – but if it were me, I’d at least give it a chance. 

Me (32F) and my boyfriend (33M) have been on/off for 6 years, no children. He is the most thoughtful and loving man, and we have a wonderful time together. 

The problem is his finances. He is in a significant amount of debt (more than one year gross annual salary) and has zero savings. He has only ever lived with his mum, so he’s never paid any bills. He is making no effort to repay his debt and he works a dead-end minimum wage job. 

I have offered to help him budget, but he says no. I want a future with this man but the only way it will happen is if I fund it entirely. He sees no issue with him not contributing in a fair and proportionate way. I am sick of living alone but refuse to completely fund his unsustainable lifestyle. 

I am pleased to hear that last line out of your mouth, because you are not this man’s mother and it doesn’t matter how much you love him, you can’t spend a lifetime bailing him out. 

His debt in no way makes him a bad man, and it’s not simply his poor finances that make this relationship unsustainable, it is his attitude towards this problem that does. 

For whatever reason (it sounds like his mother might be a big reason), he has never grown up or taken responsibility for himself or his life. And I completely understand that you love so much of who he is, perhaps in part because of the charming affability that comes from not taking life too seriously. But the other side of that coin is a selfishness, or laziness – whatever you’re going to call it – that makes a future together untenable; at least one in which you are equal, respected, or relaxed. 

Even if you were prepared to fund his life and accept it as the price you pay for the man you love, you need to step back and look at what his unwillingness to change represents. 

In refusing to take steps to rectify his situation, he is telling you that he is happy to take from you, for you to work harder and to sacrifice more, all the while he won’t even try. 

And that’s not what true love looks like; that’s not what mutual respect looks like; that’s not what you want your life to look like. 

You need to communicate to him that your offers to help him come from a place of concern for yourself and you need to tell him that if he can’t stand up and take some responsibility for himself, then you’re out of there. 

If he maintains that he sees no issue with your funding his life and bailing him out, then run.  

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

Share your views in the comments below.

Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.

This week she’s handing down sage guidance on how to screen older men for some questionable fantasies, and how to rebuild after feeling like mental health issues make you unlovable.

Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s advice.

I work in a small team, and I don’t fit in – they all text outside of work, but I’m left out. How do I fix this? 

I’m really sorry to hear that you feel left out because honestly that’s a really horrible place to be. I think first things first, try not to assume the worst. 

When we are hurt by a situation, it’s all too easy to keep our ego front and centre and misread a situation as a result. It’s easy to convince yourself that it’s deliberate on their part, or that those messages they’re sending are about you, or that you’ve somehow done something wrong to cause this situation. 

Honestly this probably isn’t the case. For whatever reason you might just not have found an opportunity to connect yet, I know about myself that when I’m feeling insecure I have a tendency to put my walls up, which is a bit of a vicious cycle. 

That may not be the case for you, but if it is, I’d say that there’s no harm in dropping your guard a little bit and perhaps making a bit of an effort to insert yourselves in their conversations or trying to initiate plans. If, that is, you want to be involved. 

Because the other side of this coin, is that there might be a really simple reason as to why you’ve not got close to them and that’s just because they’re not your kind of people. Which is okay too. 

You don’t have to be friends with everybody, it doesn’t mean you’ve got beef with them either. 

So I think it’s important that you work out what you’d like and follow your heart in that direction. Most people are really just nice, and I think your efforts will be reciprocated, and if they’re not, and these just happen to be the small minority of people that aren’t that nice, then I’d say you’re not missing much in the first place. 

Good luck either way xxx 

I have recently started seeing a guy. He treats me so well and showers me with love until a different version of him appears and he turns so cold. It’s like there’s two people and I feel so stuck on what to do. He’s got quite a bit of past trauma and I’m almost certain this is what triggers his moods. I don’t want to leave a great guy because of things he’s had to go through. But I’m also worried about the future – especially the coldness. What should I do?

Alright I say the following with nothing but love, but there are alarm bells ringing for me here. 

Because whilst I love love, and passion, and to hear that you’ve found a really nice guy, I am really really nervous to hear about his mood swings, particularly so early into the relationship. 

As I have got older, I’ve come to learn that consistency is THE most important thing in a relationship, and it doesn’t sound like this guy is offering you that. And whilst I’m sorry for him that he’s been through trauma in the past, I don’t want you sitting around in the hope that you can change him, or harder still, fix him. 

I totally understand that it feels hard to seemingly leave a guy over his mental health battles, but that’s not how I see it all. I think he clearly has some stuff to work through and that will be easier for him to do alone. 

It will DEFINITELY be easier for you. 

I think you can be honest, and say to him that you think he is amazing and wonderful but right now you can’t handle the discrepancies between his two personalities, you are trying to get to know him and learn to love him and it’s too difficult as long as he is so inconsistent. 

If you want to give him some space and tell him that you’ll wait, then I think that’s an option too. But thinking just of you here, and not of him, I think the fact that you sent me this message at all tells me that you already know what you need to do. 

The early stages of a relationship are supposed to be the very best, the warmest and the most exciting. That he is capable of such coldness, and is leaving you feeling so unsure, not just of him, but of yourself within the context of the two of you, I don’t like it. 

You deserve someone who is capable of loving you in the way that you need. 

And I hope you find it xx 

Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.

This week she’s handing down sage guidance on how to screen older men for some questionable fantasies, and how to rebuild after feeling like mental health issues make you unlovable.

Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s advice.

I am really heartbroken. My partner of nearly three years has just broken up with me, which is a little out of the blue. We have had conversations in the past about things we weren’t happy about and what needs to change, and we’ve been proactive about most of those things and we have moved past it… or so I thought.  

He mentioned that he cannot handle my mental health issues and anxiety attacks and that he doesn’t want our children to gain anxiety from me. It’s been a super stressful time at work for me and I wasn’t well last year. 

I feel like he has just realised that he doesn’t want to be with me after talking about kids and marriage. I’m guessing that no matter how good things were most of the time, he’s checked out and I’m left wondering and having to find a place to live. What do I do now? 

I am so sorry, both that you’ve had your heart broken and that you’ve been struggling with your mental health. I am especially sorry that it feels as if the latter caused the former.  

I’ve struggled enough with my mental health in the past to know how easy it is to feel like a burden, and I think it’s knowing that that makes the way he’s handled this particularly painful. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but I truly believe you may have just dodged the biggest bullet of your life here. Because your anxiety doesn’t make you any less lovable and the fact that he can’t handle your mental health is a reflection on him – not you.  

Now, that’s not to say that this hasn’t been hard for him, as I’m sure it has. I’m also sure it will have been a complicated and painful decision on his part, but I don’t want you feeling as if this was all your fault and that it’s indicative of your love life going forwards. It isn’t. 

The fact that you have been struggling is not a failure, and it’s not a problem that needs fixing before anyone is able to love you again.

Having said that though, if I were you, I would use this as an opportunity to channel as much energy as I could muster into myself and my mental health.

Into filling up my cup, resting, journaling, meditating, reading, eating, exploring, and finding out who I really am on my own, and what I really want. Therapy might be a good option, too?  

But not therapy to ‘fix’ the part of yourself that your ex made you feel was broken; therapy that helps you bring out into the light the parts of you that, for whatever reason, have been hiding in the shadows.

In amongst the painful practicalities of heartbreak, finding somewhere to live and moving through your life as if your heart hasn’t been shattered, I implore you to seek out as much joy and power as you can, because you will be happy again. I promise.  

I am recently single and loving life! However, I keep meeting guys, then after sleeping with them, finding out they have daughters basically the same age as me! This has happened twice now. Do I need a screening process because what is going on? Am I fulfilling men’s fantasies?! What about mine because this ain’t one of them…

I suppose if you’re dating men of a certain age this sort of thing becomes an occupational hazard.  

And with that in mind, I’d suggest that, yes, a screening process might be a good idea.

It’s not unreasonable to ask that cards be put on the table before you’re willing to go home with them (and by cards I mean, wives, children, criminal record, voting record and favourite sandwich –  all the top-line stuff).  

I actually don’t have it in me to dwell on their fantasies, as I find the infantilisation of young women and the popularity of the ‘step-dad gets it on with teen daughter’ genre of porn to be entirely revolting. 

I’m not saying that’s necessarily what it is, but if this is something that’s making you uncomfortable and you feel as if you’re being used to fulfil some kind of fantasy, I think maybe you ought to think about the age of the men you’re dating.  

If you like them of a certain vintage, that’s cool, but I think that’s where you’ve to insist on background info before taking it any further. Otherwise, I think narrowing the dating pool might be a good place to start. Good luck! xx

Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.

This week she’s handing down sage guidance on how to navigate massive pay disparities in a relationship and what to do when it’s clear a friendship has come to an end.

Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s advice.

I have fallen out with a friend who I have been friends with since university. I was supposed to be a bridesmaid for her next year, and I want help on how to move on from this friendship as it’s become toxic.

With her wedding hanging over your heads, I don’t think you can hope that this friendship is just going to fizzle out or go away. At some point along the line there is going to be a confrontation, or a conversation at least, and I think you need to have it sooner rather than later. 

Heartbreak within friendships isn’t often talked about and it’s such a shame, given as at one point or another so many of us will experience it. And it can be so much more complicated and painful than a traditional romantic breakup. 

If I were you, I would write a letter to her. 

I’d tell her that while I was sad we had grown apart, I no longer felt that the friendship was sustainable, and it might be best for us to part ways now. I’d thank her for the happy times you shared together, not dwell too much on all the wrongdoings that were done on either side, and wish her all the luck in the world for her wedding. 

A big fight isn’t going to achieve anything. You want to move on from this friendship and I think showing that intent from the start is important.

You don’t need to point score or win an argument; you just want to free yourself from the situation and I think the most peaceful way to do that is to act with grace and gentleness. 

Write one letter to her, and another to yourself – the one that’s been through the highs and the lows of the friendship and has emerged out the other side. Get it all out and let it all go. Post hers, burn yours and move on. Good luck xx

My partner doesn’t want to work full time and she currently only works two days a week. I earn three times more than her and work full time. What is a fair way to split the bills and chores?

Alright. So as I see it, this depends a lot – critically – on how you would like to split them. For some people who are earning considerably more than their partners, and who are comfortably able to cover the bills alone, they may want to play the role of provider in the relationship. 

For parents obviously (which I’m assuming you’re not since your message didn’t mention children), the divide has to take into consideration the balance of unpaid labour (childcare, household chores, etc) vs paid labour (a salaried role) and work it out accordingly. 

For many couples in this position, to have both parents working doesn’t make financial sense and sees a lot of people (mothers, normally) pushed out of the workforce, which means I’m not sure a truly ‘fair’ solution actually exists.

Even for those without kids, this will always be a complicated balancing act.

The ‘fairest’ way for you on paper probably means you cover two thirds of the rent and leave the rest for her to cover, since your salary is so much bigger. 

But I think it’s worth considering what is left over at the end of that, because if it is going to result in a huge disparity in disposable income at the end of the month, that might affect your lifestyle, or ability to do things together as a couple, and that probably won’t benefit the relationship. 

If you want to be using your money to go on holidays, but she can’t afford to join you, it’s going to cause problems. If on the other hand you are happy to support both of you as long as she is helping you with the bills, then it might be alright. 

You need to work out how you feel about it really because if you aren’t comfortable with the current split – if you are feeling too much pressure or that you are being taken advantage of – then you need to communicate that and let her know that you feel she should be doing more to pull her weight. 

That might be by finding more work in order to bring in more money, or it might mean asking more from her in terms of household chores since she is home more and with more time. 

To treat a relationship as a financial balancing act is, to my mind, a dangerous thing to do, as it’ll never be ‘fair’. But to work together in order to create a happy and sustainable life, beyond just the monetary contribution, that’s the key. Good luck.

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

Share your views in the comments below.

Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.

This week she’s handing down sage guidance on how to approach your partner when it comes to sexuality and how to approach someone…in general.

Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s advice.

Dear Em, I’m in my mid-40s, and happily married to a man that I have been with since we were teenagers – we share teenage daughters – and I have come to the realisation that I am probably bisexual. I say probably because I have never actually explored this, I’ve never been with a woman, and I am monogamous. But over recent years I have recognised that I am attracted to women, and occasionally fantasise about it.

Is there any point in disclosing this to my family? I feel like it would seem disruptive and bring uncertainty, and maybe it’s unnecessary as I’m not going to do anything about it. At the same, I feel like I’m holding part of me back, and as a family we’re very open, accepting and transparent. I want my daughters to be able to tell me anything, so is it hypercritical to keep this hidden?

I understand why you’re hesitant to tell your family about this, I think you’re right it would cause questions to arise and for a short little time perhaps cause some disruption. There is so much misconception around bisexuality, and within that there is often a fear in heterosexual relationships that adultery is inevitable because of it.

That is just a misconception, as you say yourself, you’re in a monogamous relationship, and your being attracted to women as well as men doesn’t change your feelings towards your husband or the commitment that you made to him. As I see it, the problem would only arise if you continued to ignore this part of yourself.

Sexuality is not something you can just sweep under the rug in the hope it will go away, there’s a chance that left ignored fantasies might not be enough anymore and to my mind, nothing particularly great comes out of anything left too long to ruminate in the dark. Critically though, it isn’t right that you’re holding a part of yourself back. So if I were you, I think I would tell my family.

Perhaps your partner first, so that you have the chance to work out together what, if anything, it means for your relationship. If you yourself are unsure what you want to gain from the conversation, or how you’d explain it all to your partner, it might even be worth sitting down with a therapist to work out how you feel in yourself, and how you’d like your life to change once you disclose it.

Get as close as you can to feeling sure, then tell him. Allow him to be shocked and perhaps project some initial concerns; namely I guess he’d worry that this meant you wanted to end the relationship to pursue other interests and explore this part of yourself. You need to be able to give him an answer to that. So make sure you have one. And from there, once you’ve established yourselves within this new dynamic, I think you can absolutely tell your daughters. And I think they’d be proud of you for doing so. Good luck.

Dear Em, I’ve been single since 2019 and during that time I have been experiencing anxiety, depression and prone to panic attacks. I was mentally abused in my last relationship and I’m tired of being single but can’t seem to bring myself to go out and meet people.

I’m 36 and really want to have my dream of a husband and kids but each day it seems further and further away – am I just too chicken? I’ve tried counselling and I’ve gotten to the point I can go to work but dating seems out of my reach. I feel that men aren’t interested in me because each partner I’ve had either didn’t want children or just didn’t want them with me. I don’t know how or if I’ll ever get over it to date.

You’re not too chicken, dating is exhausting, and I totally understand that while you’ve been working on your mental health dating feels counterintuitive. It’s exposing and emotive and the absolute opposite of self-preservation. Putting your heart on your sleeve is hard at the best of times, and never more so than when you’re trying to stay on top of feelings of depression, anxiety and panic and all you want to do is wrap yourself up in cotton wool and protect your heart from the world.

I wish I could wave a wand and magic you up the perfect man, but in lieu of that, all I can tell you is that I’m sure he IS out there, but that he won’t find you if you’re hiding. And I know that’s hard, to stand up and out, visible and vulnerable, but you are so worthy of connection and love, and I want you to have the best chance of finding it.

It’s only by being exactly who we are, in front of others, unapologetically that we connect with the ones that are meant for us. Lalalaletmeexplain wrote a brilliant book about modern dating called Block Delete Move On: It’s Not You, It’s Them, which I recommend you read, to arm you before you head back out into the dating world.

I know it’s scary, but your person is out there. And I believe you can find them. But I also know that if you don’t, at least not right now, you’ll be okay too. If children are your dream, there are ways that you can do it by yourself.

Please don’t count yourself out just yet, you’re doing so well, you’ve pulled yourself up from a dark place, back into work and feeling more in control, one step at a time, you’re doing it. So have a little faith, in the process, but mostly, in yourself. You got this xxx.

Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.

This week she’s handing down sage guidance on helping a partner through mental health issues, and what to do if your landlord is getting a little too close to your husband…

Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s advice.

Dear Em, my partner struggles massively with anxiety and depression and over time it seems to be getting worse. We were talking about it the other day and he told me that since we have been together his mental health is the worst it has ever been. He assures me that it has nothing to do with me and that he is happy in our relationship.

We have a beautiful daughter together and are getting married but I can’t help but feel like I have added to his problems. He has told me how he wasn’t happy in his previous relationships but how can his mental health be better with them? I love him and want to be there for him but how can I believe that I am not the cause of his mental health struggles if he was seemingly happier in these other awful relationships?

The hardest thing I ever had to learn was that you can’t make other people happy. Of all the things I ever tackled in therapy it was this, and it took the longest to go in. I couldn’t understand it: surely, if I could do all the things that I knew my partner liked, if I could behave in a way that I knew pleased them, if I could just get it all right, then they would be happy, right? Wrong.

Other people’s fundamental happiness is not conditional to external factors, and it’s definitely not dependent on the actions of other people. On the surface, yes there are clear rights and wrongs and actions and consequences, but ultimately it’s how a person reacts to a situation or a behaviour. It’s their thoughts that govern how they feel.

As hard as it is to accept, your partner is responsible for his own emotions. And while you can do your utmost to support him, you have to know that ultimately there IS only so much you can do. I understand why you’ve taken his comments personally, and the connection you’ve drawn between his last relationship and this one, but mental health is complicated.

There’s no rhyme or reason to depression: it’s hard to understand how those who seemingly ‘have it all’ could be sad, but it doesn’t discriminate. And so I don’t want you jumping to conclusions and taking leaps.

Trust your partner when he tells you how he feels, and trust him to act in his own best interests. If he could, if it were that easy, he’d be okay for you, and for your daughter. But it isn’t that easy, and he’s got to get through this in whatever way he can. Ultimately, all you can do, is keep being who you are: the woman that he loves and the partner that he’s chosen.

It’s not easy helping someone through a mental health dip, and I think you could do with a little bit of support yourself. It might be worth reaching out to a therapist, just to ensure that you’re as strong as you can be right now: for yourself, your daughter, and your partner. Good luck x.

Dear Em, my husband and I have been married for 50 years. There was infidelity in our second year of marriage but I forgave him and he has been committed to our marriage ever since. However, I am constantly aware of women coming on to him. Our landlady is about our age, maybe a few years younger, and is married. The problem is that she hugs my husband when I’m not around, and flirts with him openly.

When she picked up the rent early this month, she sat down at the edge of the seat of one chair, turned facing my husband, with her back to me. I noticed her messing around with the collar of her dress but thought she was just fidgeting. However, when she got up to leave, I saw that she’d unbuttoned a few buttons and her cleavage and part of her bra was quite noticeable.

My husband says he’s disgusted by her but the problem is that he won’t call her out on any of it because we really love our home here and he thinks she’ll kick us out. He doesn’t want me to make trouble so I’m supposed to keep my mouth shut?! I know that I’m hypervigilant because of his affair all those years ago, and he avoids being around any women unless I’m there, because of my insecurities. Am I being overly nervous about our landlady blatantly flirting with my husband? It’s eating me up not telling her about our marital boundaries even if her marriage has no boundaries.

I think you did a really good job of identifying the problem within your question. And it’s not your husband, it’s your landlady. While he did give you cause for doubt at the beginning of your marriage, it sounds that over the last four decades he has proven his loyalty to you. And while I’m not of the ‘forgive and forget’ school of thought particularly, I am a big believer in leaving the past in the past and moving on.

I say it every week, but resentment is a poison, and for our own good, we need to learn to put it down – which means separating your husband’s historical misdemeanours from the issue at hand.

It sounds to me that your intuition about your landlady is spot on, and she is flirting with your husband. I feel the need to stress that that doesn’t necessarily mean she wants to have an affair with him: she may be entirely happy within her own marriage, this might just be who she is and how she functions; she may crave attention, she may have her own insecurities, she may not even be fully aware of what she’s doing (I’m not convinced by that, but stranger things have happened).

Whatever it is, I want you to see that this has nothing to do with you, or even your husband, and everything to do with her. The most important thing I think you can do is keep an open line of communication about the situation within your own relationship; that is something you can control. If your husband is right and calling her out on this risks your living situation, at least you’re able to ensure that you and your husband are on the same page, which, really, means you have nothing to worry about.

Give your husband some credit, it sounds like he learned from his mistake, and he wouldn’t be willing to throw away all that you have for this woman. It might just be a case of putting up with her, safe in the knowledge both you and your husband are aligned in your interpretations. If it is too much though, and you can’t get past it or find a way to be comfortable, then between you and your husband you need to find a way of communicating it with your landlady. And then local estate agents, if it all goes tits up. Good luck.

Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.

This week she’s handing down sage guidance on maintaining friendships after having a baby, relationship mixed-signals and finding a partner in your 40s.

Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s advice.

Dear Em, my partner and I have been together for 14 years, since we were 17. He proposed after being together 11 years and we had our first little girl. Fast forward one year later, everything was going great, we had another little girl, we’d booked our venue, and we were in the process of making our invites when he suddenly and really out of the blue told me that he didn’t want to get married. 

It was such a shock. I had no idea where it came from and he was never able to give me an explanation as to why. He still wanted to be a couple, so after months and months of working through things, we decided to stay together and I would just have to accept that his stance. 

Fast forward again to now. He’s been going to counselling, and last month he told me that he regrets calling off the wedding! I am so confused and feel like I have no idea what he really wants; I don’t know where I stand. I don’t know if I could ever open myself to the idea of getting married again after how hurt I was last time. 

Anytime I try to talk to him he just completely closes up and I never get a straight answer from him. We have two girls together and I still love him, but at the end of the day I feel really hurt by all of it. I guess I just wanted to put this to you and see if you had any thoughts on this and what I should do?

OK, so if it makes you feel any better about the fact that you’re very confused, I think it’s safe to say, he is too. 

And that doesn’t excuse it by any means, but it goes a bit of a way to explain it. He obviously has some stuff to work through and I think it’s brilliant he’s gone to counselling. It also sounds really positive that on the back of that he’s changed his mind about getting married and feels like he could do it now. 

But honestly without an adequate explanation as to what went on the first time, and what’s changed this time, I completely understand why you don’t just want to jump back to where you were. 

He owes you a lot by way of an explanation for all of this, and I think he needs to give it to you. Honestly, I think you need to go to therapy with him. It sounds as if counselling has enabled him to make sense of his own thoughts, so perhaps with a counsellor’s guidance, he may be able to articulate them to you, too. 

I know nothing about the man other than what you’ve shared, and I infer from that that he might not love this idea, but I think it’s really important that he does this for you. He needs to know how much he hurt you the first time, and how hard it is to be in a relationship with someone who cannot show you where you stand. 

There’s no way you should say yes to marrying him again until he can explain what happened last time and assure you that it will never happen again. 

All I do know is that at the beginning of the Sex And The City movie, Big stood Carrie up at the altar and somehow they found their way to city hall by the time the credits rolled. So there’s hope for you, and your relationship, and even your marriage. 

But you need ‘whys’ and you need ‘sorrys’ and you need ‘I’m an idiot and I will never do that to you agains’, and you need lots of them. Good luck xxxx

Dear Em, in terms of my romantic life, I have been unfortunate in love and have been friend-zoned by every man I have encountered. At the age of 45, seeing wedding and baby pictures of others triggers a deep sense of longing for experiences that I have never been fortunate enough to have.

I have tried using dating apps, but I find that men are often disrespectful, expecting my phone number after brief introductions and pressuring me for sex on the second date as if it were a customary expectation.

I have also tried joining various groups, churches, and workplace activities, but I have not been successful in meeting anyone. People often tell me that they met their partners when they least expected it, and while I hold onto that hope, I cannot help but feel apprehensive about my age and the possibility of missing out on the opportunity to become a parent.

Due to my living situation in a one-bedroom apartment, I am unable to adopt or foster a child, as it is not permitted. I have been deeply affected by the negative experiences I have had with men, and all I desire is for someone to teach me the true meaning of love and how to love; to experience the feeling of being wanted for more than just physical gratification.

I’m so sorry for you that you’ve had such a hard time dating and that you feel so disrespected by those that you’ve met online.

And I don’t want to just repeat those around you who’ve told you that it’ll happen when you least expect it, but I can’t help but hope as they do that that will be the case. It sounds as if you absolutely deserve the sort of love that sweeps you off your feet and makes you feel every bit as worthy as you are.  

I’m sorry that your want for a partner is so intrinsic in your desire to have a baby. I don’t know how feasible it is to suggest that you uproot yourself in order to make fostering/adoption possible, but I suppose I’d encourage you to channel what you can into making this dream a reality for yourself, too. 

It’s tiring to keep showing up for yourself and being the one to advocate for your own happiness all the time and I’m sorry that you don’t have someone to share the load with, but I think focussing right now on your own life, your own happiness, your dreams, and aspirations, that is something proactive that you can do.

You are not one half, walking around, waiting to be completed. You are a whole and brilliant person in and of yourself and I think finding a way to remind yourself of that would be a positive step. 

Perhaps it might be worth sitting down with a therapist to work it all through. It can feel impossibly massive when our thoughts are left to grow and tangle in our minds, and getting them all out, with someone whose job it is to understand them, might allow you to see the wood from the trees. 

To explore the option of having children via less traditional means; of looking for qualities in men you maybe hadn’t looked for before; to start filling up your own cup again. Therapy was the best thing I ever did for myself, and I hope it would help you too. I’m sending you lots of love xxx

Dear Em, I recently had a baby who is the absolute joy of my life. However, it’s been very noticeable which friends have been there for us and which haven’t. Some long term and close ones have been surprisingly unsupportive (almost dismissive).

One went through a break-up, and I was there for her but can’t help but feel resentful considering how much she hasn’t shown up for me postpartum as I tackle being a mum for the first time. Am I just being awful and selfish for feeling this way?

No, you’re not being awful and selfish; it’s absolutely gutting when this happens. I was among the first of my friends to have a baby, and I think that puts you in a place that’s both incredibly special, and really difficult. 

Your baby is a total novelty, and so too are you. All of a sudden, you’re a mum, and that’s bonkers and brilliant and completely incomprehensible for those who haven’t experienced it yet. Until they’ve lived the logistics, the sleep deprivation, the pain, the guilt, the load, the love, the anxiety, the intensity, they can’t possibly understand the magnitude of what you have gone through. 

And so really, your friends are just being who they’ve always been, and while it sounds like you’re still being a brilliant friend to them, in lots of ways that’s as easy as it ever was, given as they aren’t the ones who’ve changed. 

You have though, in a million ways that they may not really understand, and you do need to give them some grace for not knowing how to pay it back. I know it’s agonising to pretend you’re not broken in half so that you can show up for your friends in the way they’ve come to expect; so that you can prove to them that you’re still the same person; so they don’t give up on you. 

I know the heartache of biting your tongue because you think they’re bored, or holding back the tears because you’re not sure they’ll understand. I promise you, I get it, but I give you this advice because I think it’s the only way that you will get through this time with your friendships intact. 

You need to find peace within this, which is hard because it’s disappointing and painful and impossible not to take it personally and be really hurt by their seeming lack of interest or empathy. 

But for whatever reason, these people do not have the capacity to be what you need right now. And rather than fighting that, and them, try to accept it. Accept them. They’re not your village. 

They may be one day; they may change as you have and find you in your new life. Or in time, as your world shifts on its axis yet again, as your kids grow and priorities change, you may find your way back to the version of yourself that was more closely aligned with them. I don’t know. 

All I do know is that harbouring resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. It’s not what you need right now. So, forgive them what they don’t know and focus instead on those in your baby’s life filling it to the brim with love.

Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.

This week she’s handing down sage guidance on an oversharing boyfriend, friends who have turned frosty all of a sudden, and what to do if you feel like you’re simply roommates with your long-term partner.

Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s advice.

Dear Em, I’ve been with my fiancé for 16 years. Although engaged, there are no plans to get married yet and we’re both cool with that. We’ve not got kids together, but have a house and two dogs.

He plays golf twice a week, plays in a pool team one evening, has pool practice another evening, cricket practice one evening, and plays cricket all day every Saturday.

Our holidays have to revolve around the cricket season and we can’t go out together on Saturday evenings because he goes to the pub after cricket with the team. If we do make plans to get a takeaway or watch something together after cricket, he frequently drops me at the last minute to stay out with his friends, or he’ll make last-minute plans to go the pub if his friends are there. On top of this, he frequently goes to work events in the evenings (obviously cannot be helped).

If I’m given notice that he’s got other plans, then I can arrange something too, but I’m often just left home alone. I don’t want to be the partner who dictates what the other can do with their own time. He’s obviously doing what makes him happy and I’m glad he’s got hobbies.

There’s no insecurity, I don’t suspect at all that there’s anyone else involved. We get on really well, we make each other laugh all the time and have a nice life. I just want him to want to spend time with me without having to tell him. It feels disingenuous if he’s only hanging out with me because I’ve asked him to.

Is this what drifting apart is? Are we just friends who live together? Is it the end of the road but neither of us are taking the leap to call it?

My oh my he does sound like a busy boy. And I love that you’re not insecure, but I also absolutely think you’re within your rights to have questions about your relationship and to feel like you’re playing second fiddle a lot.

I don’t know if you’ve drifted apart, but from here, it doesn’t sound like he’s prioritising you, and only you know how you feel about that. I know couples my parents’ age who live pretty separate lives; beds, hobbies, friends, and who seem pretty happy with the arrangement. But then of course, there are climbing divorce rates to indicate that not everyone can make their peace with shifting priorities.

It’s a lot of time watching cricket. And I infer from that that you’re at home looking after the dogs and doing the lion’s share of the housework. And on that level I worry a little bit that you might not be being treated the way you deserve to be.

Ultimately you are special, you are a total miracle of a person with your whole life in front of you, and I am a big believer in spending time with people who see your glow and, in turn, make you shine. You need to feel loved, and chosen, and important. And that’s not to say the guy can’t like his cricket, I have a brother who we lose for days at a time to the sport, but I think there needs to be some compensation, some reconciliation, some making up for it; whether that’s dinners out or flowers or whatever it is that he knows you like.

It sounds like he’s got complacent, like he’s taking you for granted, and so yes, maybe you have drifted, maybe you are just friends who live together. But as for whether it’s the end of the road or not, there is only one way to find out, and that’s to sit within your feelings and work out what you need from your life.

If it’s more then you are currently getting from him then you need to tell him, and give him the chance to give it to you. If he can’t, or won’t…. well maybe it is time to leap. Good luck!

Dear Em, my boyfriend and I were at a family party last night and my cousin asked me about our sex life. I said I’m not going to talk about that. My boyfriend told me that he knows all about his colleagues’ sex lives, that it’s the most natural thing in the world and nothing to be ashamed of. The next morning, we were intimate and he said ‘my colleagues will know about this by the end of the day tomorrow’ but never asked me what he could share with others.

I really care about him and our relationship and I hold our love so close to my heart and I didn’t think it would bother me that he tells them what we do in the bedroom but I don’t feel happy about it. He said he knows them really well but I don’t know them at all and they know personal things about me. He said he knows who has done what within his team and that he won’t be telling me – this makes me feel uncomfortable since they know what I have done.

Part of me thinks I’m weird for not talking to my own colleagues about our sex life, but then why would I? I’m not close with them and I don’t believe in doing something just to fit in.

I can’t pretend to be okay with it and he knows when I have something on my mind. We’re really happy together, we make each other laugh and I feel safe when I’m with him, so I don’t want to argue about this or for it to cause a wedge between us, but I do want him to know how I feel with communication being so important in a relationship. How should I approach this issue?

You are absolutely within your rights to communicate a boundary here; it makes you uncomfortable therefore it is unacceptable, and that’s the end of it. I understand you don’t want to argue with him or cause a wedge, but you cannot pass up your boundaries for an easy life – you have a right within your relationship to have your wishes respected.

I hope that he, at the very least, is having these conversations in a respectful manner; he’s not describing a one-night stand to the lads down the pub, it sounds like an intimate conversation between friends, but without your consent, that’s irrelevant, really, and I don’t think it’s okay. And you have to tell him that.

Say it as you have to me: you love him to bits, you feel safe and happy with him but this feels like a violation of trust and makes you uncomfortable, you need for him to stop sharing every detail of your sex life with his colleagues.

If he cannot respect that boundary, then he isn’t respecting you and I think you go from there to establish what you can put up with within this relationship.

And I don’t think you’re weird, by the way, the most important thing you can be within an intimate relationship is comfortable and if keeping it to yourself ensures you feel that, then crack on.

Dear Em, I have a friendship group that I really love being part of, which is five girls, but recently one of the girls has just stopped talking to me, can’t be bothered to meet up with me and makes no effort with me at all. In the group, four of the girls have been friends for a really long time so I’m fairly new in comparison.

The way she’s acting at the moment is making me feel really left out and worried that I’m going to lose the other friends from the group, too. I have no idea what’s caused her to start acting like this as I’ve barely seen her so I don’t think I could have said or done anything to upset her.

She has always made comments in the past to the effect of ‘I’m glad you’re becoming part of the group’ which makes me feel that I’m on the edge of the group anyway.

Is it normal to feel scared that I’m going to lose my friends?

I’m really sorry that you’re feeling anxious about your place within this group, and I totally understand why you do. But, and I say this with all the love in the world because I regularly am EXACTLY where you are: nothing has actually happened yet.

It does sound like this one friend is going through something, but you don’t know what it is, and your mind is working overtime to fill in the blanks, and often when our minds do that, we centre ourselves and use our friends as sticks to beat ourselves with. I know I am more than capable of making scenarios up in my head in which I am the villain, and everyone hates me, even when I don’t have a shred of evidence with which to back that up.

There’s a very big chance that your friend has got her own sh*t going on, and for whatever reason, you are collateral in that. She mightn’t have the capacity to be a good friend to you right now, she may be triggered by you or something in your life for whatever reason.

Honestly though the likelihood is, that this has nothing to do with you at all. So if I were you, I’d haul your ego out of the situation and try not to catastrophise, there’s no reason at all why you’re going to lose all your friends over this. Maybe drop her a text, let her know you’ve been thinking about her, ask if you can do anything or if she’s around for a drink.

If she ignores you then I think it’s very safe to assume this really doesn’t have anything to do with you but even if it did, by not communicating that to you, it’s her problem not yours. You’ve done the right thing in trying to be there for her, and often that is all you can do. I’m sure she’ll be back before you know it.

Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.

This week she’s handing down sage guidance on navigating broody mothers-in-law, a sister with a secret (that you have to keep from your parents), and what to do if you start to feel a certain way about a catfish.

Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s advice.

Dear Em, my sister has been having an affair with a married man for five years and I hate that she is doing it. My parents are so sad she hasn’t got a partner but I know she has a secret one. He’s awful.

Our options are as follows: A) tell the wife B) tell your parents C) tell your sister that you love her so much, even though she is being a MASSIVE D*CK, and that you want nothing more in this life than for her to be happy, that she deserves the world, and a person who will choose her every single day and this guy *isn’t* choosing her and never will.

She deserves to be with someone that isn’t going to consistently put her second, someone who isn’t so cowardly as to deceive the woman he married for over five years without even having the follow-through to commit to the woman he’s cheating on her with. Who will take her out in public and hold her hand and move in with her and marry her and give her stability and trust and unconditional love.

Tell her that while she might think she loves him and believe him when he says “no really, it’s you baby, it’s always been you, it’s just complicated right now but I’ll leave her soon, I promise”, he WON’T. Cos if he wanted to, he would. And it’s been five years. And he hasn’t. She deserves better. His poor wife deserves better and actually, critically, this guy just deserves way less.

(I hate that she’s doing it too and I’m really sorry you’re in the horrible position of knowing. I’m sure you’ve said all of this to your sister, but say it again. Keep saying it. Write it down if you think she might hear it better that way. Tell her you are on his wife’s side, humanise her, because it sounds like he will be doing anything but that to your sister. Keep reminding her that this behaviour is sh*tty as hell and she can be better than that. And if that doesn’t work… you could at least threaten her with the idea that you might tell on her to your parents…)

Dear Em, my mother in law desperately wants to be a grandmother. Her daughter, 36, suffers from infertility, struggled to get pregnant for the last five years and is no longer with her partner.

She regularly tells me she wants to be a granny and I usually take it in my stride and don’t think too much about it as ultimately it is mine and my partners choice. However, I am turning 30 this year. She told my partner she’s worried about my biological clock.

This comment really agitated me and felt intrusive. I confronted her about it, but her comment has got me feeling paranoid and stressed about my fertility. I now feel panicked about waiting another 2 years when I feel we would financially and mentally be more ready to have a child.

It sounds like emotions are running high across the board and it sounds as if your mother-in-law is projecting a lot of the pain she is feeling about her daughter’s fertility struggles onto you. Which isn’t fair and I’m sorry.

It’s a really tough thing, that we are such an integral part in our parents’ hopes of being grandparents and I know the pressure can feel overwhelming. I hope that your bringing it up with her will ensure that she won’t do it again, but it sounds like the damage is done now and you’re spiralling.

They’re not inexpensive, but there are fertility tests available for you if you really are anxious and would like to ensure that peace of mind (I have friends who speak very highly of Hertility), but I think you need to take a step back from her comment and realise you are still young, below the average age of women having their first baby in this country, and statistically speaking, are probably going to be absolutely fine.

It’s of course stressful, not just because of your mother-in-law’s comments or witnessing your sister-in-law’s pain, but because we as women grow up with the tick-tock of our biological clocks being boomed around us at all times.

If you were comfortable with your plan before she made her comments then that tells you what you need to know, you have your baby when YOU are good and ready to. And do it because you want a baby, not because your mother-in-law wants a grandchild. Keep the two things separate and stick to your guns. Lots of love xx.

Dear Em, I’m falling for my catfish…

So I don’t know the context to which you’ve been catfished here; whether someone has been a bit sneaky with their profile pictures on dating sites or whether a whole identity has been mined and you’ve been illegally or immorally duped.

My advice obviously depends on which variety of duplicity you’ve fallen victim to and if it’s the latter, I implore you to seek help. Particularly as it is entirely rational and inevitable that you develop feelings for someone who has gone to such extreme lengths to forge a relationship with you.

But manipulation is not the foundation for a healthy relationship, and I worry that you have been taken advantage of.

And I say that with all the love in the world, because 15 years ago I was in the position you are. The police ended up involved in my situation and it took me a great many years to untangle my feelings around the person I thought I knew. I didn’t love them; I’d just been conned into feeling a type of way about a fictitious person.

If this sounds like what you’ve been through, then I’d implore you take a bit of space, perhaps find a therapist, and understand that what happened to you is a crime and you deserve better than someone who would mislead you in this way.

If, however, the catfishing you’ve been victim to has been less severe, and it was a case of an overexaggerated height or underexaggerated age then that’s between the two of you and if you see a way to make it work through the duplicity then good for you and best of luck.

Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.

This week she’s handing down sage guidance on navigating your partner’s (close) friendships, dealing with unwelcome comments on your baby (yes, really) and rebuilding fractured friendships.

Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s advice.

Dear Em, how do I deal with people body and fat shaming my baby? I want to nip it in the bud and set a precedent…

I love that you want to take these steps to protect your baby, because I agree, people are absolutely wild with their comments. I was so struck before my daughter was born how quick people were to make comments about how they’d feel if she were too fat/skinny/ginger/hairy etc, and before she was born it would really hurt me.

Since she’s been here though, I’ve felt pretty strongly that anyone making derogatory comments (no matter how ‘jokingly’ or ‘good naturedly’) must have something a little bit wrong with them and thus I don’t take what they’re saying very seriously.

Like the NORMAL reaction to any baby is to be nice to and about it. But unfortunately, we do just sort of live in a world that isn’t that normal, and even as adults, we treat each other badly. Which is why I am trying really hard in my parenting to teach my baby SO much self-belief and confidence that NO opinion of her, will make her doubt who she is within herself.

Because realistically, in life and as they grow up, we can’t always stop these comments being made.

Now that’s not to say you should let it be open-season on roasting your baby; I think you’re well within your rights to lay down your boundaries with some simple sentences that shut down this sort of talk (“are you really enforcing all this nonsense on my baby?” “what a weird comment you have just made”, “I’d really appreciate if we could just try and be nice about my baby today” – all simple, non-confrontational and will hopefully make the other person feel like a bit of an idiot).

Simultaneously I guess you just have to work to create a really positive environment around them. One that doesn’t demonise food, or see you be negative about your own body, or the body of those around you… EVEN THE BABIES!

Create a house that doesn’t tolerate that sort of negativity in any capacity and I think you’d be surprised by how quickly the axel shifts and the cycle breaks. Good for you!

Dear Em, my boyfriend has a very close female friend. They’ve been best friends for a while, and we have only been together officially for four months. They do everything together, gym, spin classes, they used to work together and they are also studying together. She rings him for emotional support a lot.

At first I tried to ignore it, but she recently split with her boyfriend and now my boyfriend has been supporting her a lot since then. I have a severe anxiety disorder anyway, but their closeness is really starting to upset me. I’ve offered to go and spend more time with her and get to know her but I’m constantly thinking that she will make a move on him.

I don’t feel like I can speak to my boyfriend about it this early on in our relationship, and I don’t want him to think I don’t trust him, but I’m struggling with the whole situation, especially since she broke up with her last man. I don’t feel like I can trust my own emotions because my anxiety is so bad I become irrational, and I don’t know whether I’m feeding my worst fears.

I also have my own guy friends who have girlfriends so I know girl friendships are a common thing, it just bothers me the amount of emotional dependency she has on him. I don’t know what to do!

So I think it is important that you recognise that long before you came into the picture, these two have been in each other’s lives. And yet despite her being there all that time, he chose you. And before that, she chose someone else. She may have just broken up with her boyfriend, but that doesn’t mean she all of a sudden, wants yours.

I’m a big believer in the idea that if “they wanted to, they would”. And they haven’t. All evidence points to the fact that they *are* just really good friends. And all you have to go on is what’s in front of you.

Because that’s love baby: as TERRIFYING as it is, it’s trusting the person you’ve chosen with your heart, knowing that they could hurt you, but they won’t.

When it’s laid down like that, what do you think? Can you trust him? If you don’t, work out why. Has he given you cause not to? Or is it in your head?

If it’s the former, talk to him. If it’s the latter. Let’s work out where that is coming from… it actually sounds to me like you are having a harder time trusting her, than him, and I think as you’ve identified that may well be coming from your own anxiety. And I totally get that, we grew up being pitted against one another as women, all vying for male attention, and it sounds to me as if she already has the emotional closeness to your partner that you long for, which when you couple that with the fact she is clearly comfortable around him and by the sounds of it fitting the archetypal ‘girl next door’ type, I get that that might make you feel insecure.

But none of that is necessarily her fault – and it might just take a little bit of introspection for you to work out where these insecurities are stemming from.

Sometimes, all really is as it seems. Usually, in fact, what you see, is what you get.
So I think what you need to do here is to throw yourself into this relationship, properly. Yours, and theirs. Do things together, get to know her. Give them BOTH the benefit of the doubt, and accept, as scary as it, that you’re the new girl in this dynamic and you all need to find your feet.

If, in time, he starts giving you legitimate reasons to doubt him, if their closeness starts to get in the way of yours, if, as her heartbreak heals, she still remains so emotionally dependent on him it continues to make you uncomfortable, of course you are within your rights to bring it up.

As for now, I want to advise you to follow your heart and jump in with both feet, if it all goes the way I think it will, you’re going to be just fine.

Dear Em, due to depression I’ve lost contact with a lot of friends. I want to reconnect but feel guilty for pretty much disappearing. I’m debating sending letters to try and apologies and explain. Good idea?

I think it’s lovely that you want to reconnect with your friends, but I’m not sure that you have that much to feel guilty for.

Your true friends, the good people around you, will understand that you’ve not been well and I’m sure they will want to be there for you.

A letter sounds like a really nice thing to do, but I just want to ensure that within that process you’re not too hard on yourself. Take responsibility and explain your situation but forgive yourself for getting through a tough time in the way only way you knew how and I’m sure your friends will too. Loads of love xx.

Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.

This week she’s handing down sage guidance on problematic parents, secretive friends and dealing with relationship-runining flatulence.

Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s advice.

How can I stop my husband from farting? If I go to bed after him the whole bedroom smells sour. When I open the bedsheets to get in it is even more horrible. A very warm smelly bedtime. He always says, ‘I can fart as much as I want when I sleep because I don’t even realise I am doing it’. This is serious. After 30 years of marriage I cannot take it anymore, but he is the love of my life.

While it’s a terrifying thought, he is right about the fact that we don’t actually have any control over the farts we do while we sleep. It is therefore hard to be angry with a man who is acting in a way that he can’t help. 

But, reading between the lines it sounds as if farting might be more of a *cultural* problem in your house, and I think you are within your rights to be angry about that. 

Now, I have to caveat the following advice with the fact that I am of the belief that if you can’t laugh at a fart every now and then, you’re taking life too seriously. 

But I also think they can be pretty gross, particularly when not dropped for comedic relief, but – as sounds to be the case in your relationship – as a consistent and frustrating lack of respect. 

Yes everyone needs to fart and yes they can be funny, but I think you need to communicate with your husband that it is really starting to bother you; that he is making you uncomfortable in your own home and that his disregard of you, your nostrils and your emotions are really hurting your feelings. 

I think he has to hear it from you that you are genuinely really upset by this, and that he is being selfish in continuing to ignore the issue or defend his actions. I’d also suggest that he might consider visiting a doctor if they really are out of his control. 

IBS is common but there are steps he can take and improvements to his diet that might help. 

I’m sorry for you, and I hope that this is something you can resolve. If not, might I suppose you could always look into plugging the hole with something while he sleeps… a cork perhaps?

I love and adore my mum but her behaviour is putting a strain on our relationship. When we meet she regularly comments on my weight, my inability to lose it, and edits photographs of us so that I look skinnier than I am (I am in fact content with how I look and my weight, and I am the fittest I have ever been). We are also both single and she will very regularly seek the attention of men when we are out together, despite me thinking I would rather do anything else. I just want to spend time with her and not random men. I know these are more to do with her than me, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t hard.

I am really really sorry to hear this. The comments on your body are totally unacceptable and the fact that she is editing your photos without your consent is really hurtful and absolutely not OK.

You are spot on about the fact that these issues are hers and not yours, but I understand that even with that knowledge it is still painful. Our mums are, after all, supposed to love us unconditionally and I can see how her actions would make you feel that you aren’t being.

But I think that’s why it’s more important than ever that you really ‘do the work’ here to recognise these issues as being a reflection of your mums’ character and nothing to do with you. It sounds as if she is struggling with being single, with being older, and she is, by the sounds of it, (incorrectly) trying to control how she is being perceived by everyone and treating you as an extension of herself. 

With that in mind, I think it might be helpful for you to remind yourself that everything she says to you is something she intends for herself. 

Her judgments are a confession of her character, and when you think about it like that, it might become sad, rather than hurtful. And when you can come at it from a position of ‘I’m sad for you’ rather than ‘I am hurt by you’, you might be able to have a conversation with her about what is really going on with her. 

Why she’s prioritising the attention of strange men over time with you, why she’s consistently saying hurtful things about the way that you look and deceiving herself and everyone around her with the editing. 

These are not the actions of a happy person. I hope you’re able to come at the situation with love rather than anger, but as her daughter, if you just want to be really annoyed and upset that’s OK too.

Either way she needs to really know how her behaviour is making you feel, and that if she continues in this way you’re going to have to distance yourself, for your own good.

My best mate of a long time is drifting away, keeping secrets, and leaving me out. What do I do?

Put your ego aside – the part of you that is hurt about being left out and lied to and ask her about it. Gently, without confrontation, in a way that communicates your concern for her. 

She obviously has something going on that for whatever reason she doesn’t want to tell you about; maybe she’s embarrassed, or is doing something she thinks you will disapprove of and is scared that you’ll judge her. 

Maybe she’s taken up karate or is breeding ferrets, or has joined a flash mob, or is moonlighting as the tooth-fairy or having a sordid affair with someone weird. 

There’s lots she could be up to, but relationship breakdowns happen when we are given too much time to think about what the other person might be doing or saying, and create realities in our heads and act based on those assumptions. 

Try not to do that here. Give your friend time and space to come to you when she needs to, and trust that she will.

Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.

This week she’s handing down sage guidance on decorating disasters, gaining confidence to enter the gym and what to do if your baby’s dad just isn’t helping with the parenting load.

Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s advice.

How do I get past gym fear and just go? I am frightened about not being able to keep up in a class… 

Hi, hello chronic gymtimidation sufferer here to tell you that literally no one gives a s**t what you’re doing. Get out there and have a go babe, you’ve got nothing to lose! 

I cannot even tell you how many times I’ve arrived at the gym only to turn around, how many classes I’ve cancelled at the last minute, how many studios I’ve shoved myself awkwardly into the back of for fear that I’d be sniffed out as an imposter and pointed at by everyone in the class as they all yelled SHAMMEEEE at me. 

I get how you’re feeling. But I’ve worked really hard to get past this anxiety, to the point now that I often forget that it’s there at all. And I did that, initially, with a simple reframe of how I thought about the other people in the class. 

They all intimidated me, until one day I chose to swap the word ‘intimidation’ for ‘inspiration’ and in turn, let them show me who I COULD be, if I kept showing up. They were all beginners once, and they all got to where they were with consistency. Not with the strongest legs or lungs, those things came in time. 

The thing I needed, I already had, and that was just the willingness to have a go. And you have that too. So show up for yourself, and stop using the other people in the class as a barrier, and use them instead as encouragement. They’re not racing you, they don’t really care about you, and that’s liberating as hell. So have a go, and have fun! We’re all behind you.

Dear Em, I moved in with my boyfriend 10 months ago into his childhood home where he has lived all of his life with his parents. His parents built a new house and moved out into that a year ago and then I moved in with him. We also now have a young baby together.

The problem is the house is still full of his parents’ belongings, ornaments, furniture, pictures etc. All of it is totally not to my taste and so old fashioned. I really hate it and it’s getting me down. His parents’ new house is beautiful and modern and I’m getting the impression they do not want to move their belongings and seem to think they can just leave it all here. 

There’s nowhere to put anything and as a result my things are still in boxes. I’ve spoken to my boyfriend about this issue but he says he likes all of his parents’ things and wants to keep everything as it is. 

I have tried to explain that it doesn’t feel like ‘our’ family home and that I feel like I’m just living in his parents’ house. I have also tried to suggest we keep some of their belongings but we mix it up with my things, to create an ‘old’ and modern blend. 

He seems unwilling to discuss the issue with his parents and I feel too awkward to raise it with them directly and ask them to move their things out. He also doesn’t seem to see anything wrong with how it currently is, despite knowing how miserable it’s making me. Help!!

NO! I am so sorry, I hate this for you. It’s actually a conversation I’ve been having a LOT in my own life recently (my mum is of the ‘chuck it all out with me when I go’ type and my mother-in-law is very fond of her antiques and keen we inherit them) and it’s just a harder situation than it should be. 

With sentiment attached it’s difficult to communicate your wishes without feeling that you’re being ruthless, BUT (and it’s a big but), you are allowed to hate their furniture and not want it in your house. 

You’re not a bad person for that. It’s really easy when it comes to proximity to parents, to slip into the child-adult, dynamic. It happened to a lot of us during lockdown, and it’s not necessarily very healthy. Even if they’re the best and most laid back people in the world, the power-imbalance is real and it IS hard as the more junior of the two to advocate for yourself properly and feel truly autonomous. 

Even more so for your partner moving into his childhood home, to change it in any way might feel a betrayal of his parents’ taste or of the memories he cherishes in that space. I suspect that is why he’s resisting even having the conversation. He’s come home. And you’re expected to get into his parents’ bed with him, literally, by the sounds of it. Which isn’t fair. 

You need to talk to your partner, properly, about how you feel. Explain to him that you feel like a guest in his parents’ house and that you deserve to create a home for yourself within the house you live in. If he can’t understand that then I think you can tell him he’s welcome to keep living in that house as the little boy he was, but he can do so alone. 

They say that comfort is the enemy of progress, and is there anywhere more comfortable for a grown man than his mum’s house? It sounds like he needs to grow up a bit and prioritise the life that he’s built rather than the one built for him. Good luck.

My partner doesn’t help at all with our toddler despite us living together. What do I do? 

You describe this man as your partner, but that’s not what he is. 

A partner is, by definition, is ‘a pair of people engaged together in the same activity’. If he is not showing up as a parent, as an equal to engage in the most mammoth activity two people can do together, then I think it might be time to redefine your relationship. 

You’re already raising your baby alone, why keep them around? It’s not your job to force someone to parent, to show up, to accept equal responsibility for the life they chose to make with you. 

And if they’re incapable of doing that, to get up off their arse and appreciate the extraordinary privilege it is to be a good parent, then that’s their loss. I don’t know if I got out of bed on the wrong side this morning, but my tolerance for this sort of behaviour is just in the bin. 

You need more than ‘help’ with your toddler, you need unwavering, unequivocal support. You and your baby deserve the world, so if it were me I’d tell him where to stick it. You’re already doing the best you can for your baby, and I think it might be time to start demanding the best for yourself as well.

How do I get past gym fear and just go? I am frightened about not being able to keep up in a class… 

Hi, hello chronic gymtimidation sufferer here to tell you that literally no one gives a s**t what you’re doing. Get out there and have a go babe, you’ve got nothing to lose! 

I cannot even tell you how many times I’ve arrived at the gym only to turn around, how many classes I’ve cancelled at the last minute, how many studios I’ve shoved myself awkwardly into the back of for fear that I’d be sniffed out as an imposter and pointed at by everyone in the class as they all yelled SHAMMEEEE at me. 

I get how you’re feeling. But I’ve worked really hard to get past this anxiety, to the point now that I often forget that it’s there at all. And I did that, initially, with a simple reframe of how I thought about the other people in the class. 

They all intimidated me, until one day I chose to swap the word ‘intimidation’ for ‘inspiration’ and in turn, let them show me who I COULD be, if I kept showing up. They were all beginners once, and they all got to where they were with consistency. Not with the strongest legs or lungs, those things came in time. 

The thing I needed, I already had, and that was just the willingness to have a go. And you have that too. So show up for yourself, and stop using the other people in the class as a barrier, and use them instead as encouragement. They’re not racing you, they don’t really care about you, and that’s liberating as hell. So have a go, and have fun! We’re all behind you.

Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.

This week she’s handing down sage guidance on heavy relationship decisions, how to address a curly question in the bedroom and what to do if you feel your partner isn’t coming to the table.

Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s advice.

Dear Em, my boyfriend (33) doesn’t have a driver’s licence but I do. He passed his theory test a year ago and only recently bothered to apply for his actual licence to start driving lessons. Four months later, he hasn’t had a single driving lesson, so I’m always the one driving back and forth to see him at weekends, driving him home when we go out and being the only driver when we go away. I’ve shared my frustration, I’ve joked about it, I’ve tried discussing it, and he always says he’s working on it – but he isn’t. It’s been nearly 18 months and it’s starting to make me resent him. I’m about to start a job where I’ll be driving for up to four hours a day and I can already feel the rage building at the idea of ferrying him around at weekends. I don’t want to nag but this whole scenario makes me feel like I’m expected to prioritise him at weekends but he’s not trying to make an effort to take the pressure off me. I love him but I’d rather be alone than sacrifice my mental, physical and emotional health for someone that won’t do something as simple as get a driver’s license.

This would ABSOLUTELY do my head in and I fully support you in your frustration.

I will chime in with the tiniest caveat to say that when I got together with my now husband he couldn’t drive, he’d grown up in a city and just hadn’t needed to and for the first two years I did all the driving (it annoyed me, too).

But I do remember the difficulty he faced learning as an adult, it was expensive and took a lot of time, which he didn’t have a lot of working long hours. The tests were at anti-social times and the wait times were long. So, I do know that it’s a big ask in lots of ways, but honestly, it doesn’t sound like those are the things in his way, and I don’t want to make excuses for him. Particularly because at the end of the day, you’ve asked him, and he’s ignored you.

Furthermore, he’s willingly let you do all the leg work and isn’t offering to alleviate you of this pressure. So, while it might feel a bit nuts that you’re seriously considering breaking up with him over a driving license, I think it’s what this represents that is the real problem and you have actually answered your own question.

You’d rather be alone, and that’s fair enough. You should never have to feel like a ‘nag’ in your relationship (I hate that word as it’s so gendered), because ultimately all that indicates is that your requirements aren’t being met. You’re communicating what you need, and he is choosing not to give it to you, which you absolutely do not deserve. It’s weaponised incompetence and it’s just a bit gross, to be honest.

They say ‘if he wanted to, he would’, and it sounds to me that he doesn’t. And why would he? He’s effectively ended up with a chauffeur. But there’s more to your life than that. So communicate that to him, if you want to give him one last chance, go for it, but if you want to get out there and find someone who respects your time, your mental health, and your desire not to spend your life on a motorway then fair f*cks and good luck to you xxxxxxx.

Dear Em, three years ago I found out my husband had been cheating on me with an escort. He spent thousands of pounds taking this man on holidays, buying presents and even a car after taking online loans and credit cards under both our names. When the money ran out the guy dropped him like a stone. I found out when my idiot husband told me he was going to visit his parents but when I called his brother told me he wasn’t there. After a little digging, I found a boarding pass for him and his escort – I immediately stopped our accounts and he was stranded overseas with no money or any way to get home. He went to the embassy and they helped him get home. We have used all our savings to pay off all the debt but I can’t seem to get past this. We are still together but I will never trust him 100% ever again. I am at a loss as to what to do…

I completely understand that you can’t get past this, beyond the affair and the fact that he has broken his vows to you by being with somebody else, he has also wreaked havoc on your finances and thus, your security.

This to me feels like the greatest betrayal, as he squandered your money on his selfishness. So, if you want to cut and run, I will be behind you every step of the way.

You deserve to feel respected within your relationship, but more than that, you must feel safe, and as long as there is no trust, I’m not sure you can. You deserve to be happy and for the chance to rebuild your life, away from him, if that’s what you want.

But if that isn’t what happiness looks like to you, and you want to make it work with your husband (which I am inferring from the fact that it’s been three years and you’re still together) then I’m right there with you for that too. If that’s the case, and you want your marriage to work, you’re going to need to find a way to move past this, because as long as there’s no trust, and you’re harbouring resentment, you won’t.

If therapy is an option I think that is something you should do together, if it isn’t, I think you need to take a minute to evaluate what exactly you need from your husband to feel safe with him again.

You might find when you really explore this feeling, that there are steps he can take to fix the harm he caused. You might find that he can’t. But either way, you owe it to yourself to work it out.

If you can’t move past it, you won’t move past it. And one way or another, you owe it to yourself, to your life and your future, to move, somewhere.

Dear Em, I’m nearly 26 and have been with my boyfriend (29) for four months. I’ve been on my fair share of dates before, but this is my first proper relationship and it has been so, so worth the wait. He’s everything I could have hoped for and more in a partner, and I’m certain I love him. However, I am still a virgin. I haven’t told my boyfriend this. I think I ought to, if he hasn’t already guessed or assumed that I am. I’m very glad ours is a relationship based on so much more than just the physical side of things, but I do find myself now wanting to move the relationship to that next level. We’ve stayed at one another’s places, but I’m finding myself becoming a little self-conscious over the fact we haven’t ‘properly’ slept together yet. I don’t doubt how much he cares for me (and there isn’t a faith/religious reason behind why we haven’t done it yet), but I’m just not sure how to approach the subject.

I’ve said it once I’ll say it a million times: virginity is a concept, rooted for the most part in religion and used in the modern landscape to shame men and women alike.

I don’t like the term at all, least of all because it isn’t really real. What it means is you haven’t had ‘penetrative’ sex, but by that logic, there are lesbians all over the place who’d be labelled as virgins (and a lot of them who’d have a lot to say about that I suspect).

You say you’ve been partaking in bits and bobs with your partner, which sound a lot like sex to me, just not maybe by this one very specific, exclusionary and heteronormative definition.

I don’t think this needs to be a big deal at ALL, if you don’t want it to be. If it matters to you, and if you think he’d want to know, or it would put you at ease, I think you can tell him that you’ve not had penetrative sex before, and I suspect he will be absolutely fine and supportive of you in that.

The fact that you’ve got to this point in your relationship without it means he is prepared to respect your boundary, or perhaps some of his own, and that sounds like a great launching pad for a healthy conversation.

I’d wait until you’re next together and when it feels safe, let him know, if that’s what you want. And if it isn’t, that’s okay too, by the way.

You don’t owe him this information and you have nothing to be self-conscious about at all. Sex has to make you feel comfortable at every stage, so work to those parameters and I don’t think you can go far wrong.

Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.

This week she’s handing down sage guidance on what to do when your partner is battling with their mental health and it’s causing a toll on your relationship, when you don’t agree with a friend’s partner’s stance, and how to deal with a cheating pal.

Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s advice.

Dear Em, my husband is in a mental health black hole and does not realise it. He will not accept help from anyone and wants me to leave him and end our marriage because in his mind he just needs to work on himself. I have put some boundaries in to protect myself but I have no idea what else to do. It’s affected my view of myself because he has said some unkind things that he would normally never say. Do you have any advice how to exist in a world where I don’t recognise anything and the person who vowed to love me has decided that he doesn’t?

I am so SO sorry to hear this, I’m sorry for him, but I’m also really sorry for you.

I think first and foremost I feel obliged to suggest that you seek therapy, if not for both of you, at least for yourself, in order to best try and protect and strengthen the view you have of yourself. Because it’s not fair that you’ve ended up in this position, and while it’s not explicitly your husband’s fault that he’s in the throes of a mental health crisis, you have a responsibility to yourself and your life to be happy.

We can’t fix other people, we can’t force them to feel any kind of way and ultimately, we can’t make them happy either. And that’s horrible, particularly when you can see that the person you love is suffering.

But only he can heal himself. And by the same stroke, the only person that you can truly make happy, is you. Which you DO deserve, by the way.

At least for now, it sounds like you need space. And just in case you feel that you need permission to put yourself first (as I know that’s not something that comes naturally to a lot of women), I’m giving you that. You are allowed to seek happiness in areas you didn’t think you’d ever have to look.

As painful as it is, you can’t just wait for your husband to choose you, you need to choose yourself. I don’t normally make a habit of quoting Selena Gomez, but you might need to lose him to love you.

Dear Em, my pregnant friend’s husband is anti-vax – it’s something I’m struggling with and worrying about.

I totally understand your concern for your friend and by association, her unborn baby. But there’s a quote I live by and that’s ‘not my circus, not my monkeys’.

Ultimately, this decision is between your friend and her partner, and while you can do what you can to persuade your friend towards doing what you think is the right thing, there comes a point when we have to respect others’ boundaries.

While you are sure of your own opinion, her husband will be sure of his, and although you don’t have to agree with it, to an extent you have to respect it. Which I know can be INCREDIBLY annoying, particularly when you’re sure that your opinion is the right one.

But at the end of the day, you have to show up for your friends and meet them where they are. If you can’t do that, it’s on you not to meet them, rather than them not to be there, if that makes sense.

Dear Em, I just found out my best friend is cheating on her husband, he has just found her out. I don’t know how to react or approach my feelings about the situation. As a friend, I want to be there for her, but equally, I am so against what she has done and how she has acted, if you have any advice, I would really appreciate it.

UGH. Don’t love this. But I do think two things can be true at once. You don’t like what your friend has done; you’re quite rightly disappointed in her and annoyed with her for behaving badly. But you also love her and will continue to show up for her in her time of need.

Doing a bad thing doesn’t make a good person a bad one. It might make them an idiot, one that you’re very angry with, but it doesn’t mean that your friend has gone. Or that she can’t be forgiven, or grow past this.

I don’t know why she made the decision she did, but I’m prepared to bet that she wishes she hadn’t made it. I don’t know of many people who are proud of their affairs, and I suspect she’s suffering enough right now without you having to lay it on too thick.

She didn’t cheat on you, at the end of the day, and I think you can be there for her, if you want to be. I also think you can do so in a way that doesn’t condone what she did: ‘I think you’re a t*at, but I love you, and I will always be here for you.’

Life is complicated, and people f*ck up. And loving someone doesn’t mean that you’re stamping every action they make with your seal of approval. You can love someone through something you absolutely hate them for. As ANNOYING as that is.

Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to sort all your problems.

This week she’s offering wise words on what to do when your boyfriend is liking sexy photos of girls on Instagram; your mum is distancing herself from you and your children; and how to navigate a work baby shower while going through infertility treatment.

Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s advice.

Dear Em, I am currently going through infertility treatment and a close work colleague is expecting twins. Next week my other friends in the office are throwing her a surprise baby shower and everyone expects me to go. I can’t message her beforehand because it is a surprise. Do I hide on the day? Or do I just put my feelings of jealousy, guilt and sadness to the side and put on a happy face for an hour?

I don’t think you need to go and I don’t think you need to explain yourself beforehand either. 

I also think you deserve better than having to hide from the event. I don’t know about the relationship you have with your boss or the organiser, but I think quietly explaining the situation to them beforehand and being away on the day of the baby shower is more than fair to both you and your colleague.

From where I’m sitting you have nothing to feel guilty about, you deal with what you go through in the best way you can and you don’t owe anyone an explanation for that, so please try and park those feelings as much as you can. 

There’s no need to put yourself in a situation that will hurt you and no true friend would knowingly put you in that position. 

With that in mind maybe you could write your colleague a little note or take her out for a cup of tea after the shower to explain your situation, although I’m sure she already knows it and won’t need you to say anything. 

Sending you all the love in the world and we’ll all keep you in our thoughts as you continue with your treatment.

Dear Em, I’ve got a difficult situation regarding family, my mum specifically. A few years ago my brother was found guilty of a criminal offence involving children. I cut all the cords but my mum didn’t. My dad had terminal cancer at the time and I was going through the process of adopting two boys, so as you can imagine it was really hard on all of us. It even affected us adopting to the point we’ve had to explain to multiple people how we will protect the boys. My dad since passed and my brother has now been released and we are having trouble with my mum – he now lives back at home with her and she barely sees us or the boys, but claims she misses us and loves her grandkids. I understand she is grieving and doing what she needs to do but where do we fit into it? We recently confronted her but she turned it on us. We have also tried giving her opportunities but she lets us down. Am I wrong for not wanting to initiate conversations or invite her out? Is it bad to let her do what she wants and if that means not seeing us then just letting it be?

I am SO sorry for all of this and the position you find  yourself in. I want to stress that however you choose to feel about this is okay, and it’s absolutely right that you want to protect your boys. 

With that in mind, I wholeheartedly condone doing whatever it takes to ensure that you put as much energy as much as you have to give towards ensuring that your family unit feels as safe and complete as possible. 

Ultimately, your mum is making the choice to miss out on a brilliant relationship with your kids and with you and for that we have to pity her. 

She may well have her reasons – it sounds as if she too has undergone a great deal of trauma over the last few years and may not be coping as a result of that. 

Perhaps your happiness and security within your own family dynamic is in a way holding up a mirror to her and her own pain. It may be jealousy, at your relationship, or of the fresh start you have with your children. 

She may simply not have the capacity for the love you need right now. For a whole host of reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with you, your mum might be finding this dynamic difficult. 

Again, I need to stress that that’s not your fault.

Someone once said that ‘expectation is the route of all heartache’ and I think that’s never truer than it is for parents. 

You hope and dream of the relationship your kids will have with the people in your life, and when it doesn’t transpire it hurts in ways you couldn’t imagine. 

But working on managing your own expectations, whilst painful, may be the most conducive use of your energy going forwards. Ultimately, if your mum wanted to connect more, she would. And for whatever reason right now, she isn’t. 

So I think the sooner you accept that, the sooner you’ll be able to let her go. If she wants to come back, you know you’ve left the door open for her, but you might find peace in accepting that you don’t need to keep trying to shoehorn her through it.

Dear Em, how do I move past my boyfriend liking sexy photos of other girls on Instagram?

Well, what he did was a huge breach of trust and I don’t think that’s the sort of thing you just immediately get over. 

It’s certainly not the sort of thing you just forget. If, and it’s very big IF, you have decided that you want to try and move past this as a couple, you’re going to have to be really proactive.

And that means leaving the past in the past. It’s not fair on your partner –  for you to hold it over his head for the rest of his life, to bring it up every time you have a fight or you’re feeling insecure. It’s also not fair on you to hold onto it either. 

By never letting go of this you are never allowing yourself to feel safe, valued or truly loved, and that’s no way to have a relationship.

So I think you have to work out… do you really want to move past it? 

If yes, and you truly believe your boyfriend that he will never do this again and that you can have a happy future together, then you have to leave this where it is. 

If you need help to do this then I really think couple’s therapy might be a good option. Because one way or another, you will have to find a way to truly forgive him. 

And if you can’t, if you think this will haunt you and be with you forever and that it’s fundamentally damaged the foundations of your love, then I think you have to let him go. 

I’m so sorry for you that this happened, that he did this. I hope you can make it work, and if that’s the route you do decide to go down, there’s an age-old adage worth remembering… fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Good luck xx