Forget fairytale endings and ‘happily ever afters’, because plenty of marriages hit stumbling blocks in the first year — as TV personality Vicky Pattison has found out.

The star has admitted she and husband Ercan Ramadan are sleeping in separate beds after a ‘difficult’ first year of marriage. The 37-year-old faced intense backlash after ‘leaking’ her own deepfake sex tape as part of a Channel 4 documentary.

‘I don’t think it’s how anyone anticipates, their first six months of marriage, you know, it’s a very alien experience,’ she said on BBC’s Woman’s Hour,

‘I mean it has been difficult, I have been frustrated, I have been upset and I have been overwhelmed quite a lot. So even without thinking about, the deepfake itself, I haven’t been a joy to live with quite frankly and I do feel for my husband but he’s very supportive.’

Though Vicky’s story is perhaps a little niche, realising the honeymoon period has ended faster than you anticipated is not.

We asked Jo Coker, director of therapy and training standards at the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists, to tell us some of the most common problems newlyweds raise in couples therapy.

The comedown

Focusing on the wedding – not the marriage – is one of the most common causes of early marriage breakdown, says Jo.

‘Couples have planned their wedding for a year, maybe more and may have aimed for perfection, which may have worked or not. There is then fall out about how near to perfection they achieved, and the postmortem,’ she tells Metro.

She’s heard coupes dwelling on ‘what went wrong’, even when it’s something out of their control, such as the weather. In other cases, the planning itself may have led to a disconnect.

‘They may well have lost each other and what their relationship is about, as such they can find themselves on honeymoon with little to say to each other,” she says.

‘In therapy we would work on resetting the relationship how and why the wedding became so big and took over, plus how to reconnect relationally.’

As a first step, try to think about why you first fell in love and what you enjoyed doing together. Build from there.

The family

For many, a wedding also symbolises the coming together of two families, but that can be complex – particularly if if there are different cultures, religions or political beliefs to juggle.

‘If the marriage involved blending a family this too can be difficult. Just because you love your partner does not mean you love their child,’ says Jo.

In therapy, she would encourage couples to ‘work on understanding differences and respecting them while setting appropriate boundaries’.

‘With blended families you often have the relationships with the children, their parents and different sets of grandparents, so it can be difficult. We would try and help the couple work openly and positively with these relationships and encourage them to not automatically take offence and to keep expectations realistic.’

An example of this may simply be acknowledging that children can be difficult and it may not be because of you – don’t personalise it!

Sex

Sex may have been hot before marriage, but it may cool off in the months after for many reasons.

‘Workload, familiarity, or just the natural passage of time in a relationship’ are frequent topics of discussion in therapy, says Jo. ‘It can be that couples stop making the effort they made beforehand.’

To combat this, she recommends reflecting on your relationship history together. ‘Has sex changed, or has it always been an issue that has been ignored in pursuit of the wedding?’ Jo asks.

Reminiscing about the best sex you’ve had together might be enough to get the ball rolling, but don’t forget to address the true issues behind your dry spell.

Discussing how to revive a sexless marriage, relationship expert and author Lucy Beresford previously told Metro: ‘The right amount of sex is different for every couple, so start by having conversations about the current situation to find out how your partner feels and to state your own needs gently.

‘Make sure you have these conversations when you both have time to give each other space to state your needs and listen to each other, and keep the focus positive and with no judgement or blame.

‘Explore whether your partner feels the lack of sex is because of a non-sexual relationship issue. For example if they feel you’re distracted, not making time for them, or not supporting them emotionally, you both need to work together on that issue first.’

Division of labour

Even if couples have lived together for a long time, the division of household chores is a common cause of conflict among newlyweds.

Jo spends a lot of time unpacking ‘who does what and who is resentful that they are doing more’ which often ‘impacts on sex and relationship functioning’.

They only way to solve this problem is better communication, which leads Jo to her final point…

Communication

Ahh, that old chestnut. You’re both saying your piece, but are you really hearing each other?

‘Couples are often poor at this, and it often gets lost in the wedding,’ says Jo. ‘However, communication is the most vital skill for a relationship. [It’s about] how to articulate what you require and need without being aggressive or seeing a request as a negative.’

Couples therapy can help you both to develop these skills. For example, you might learn to use ‘I’ sentences to discuss your own needs, instead of placing blame with ‘you’. You can also learn to ‘listen actively,’ by checking what your partner needs and going back to them for clarification if you’re not sure.

Above all, remember the old saying: marriage is hard work. If the first 12 months feel easy, you’re the exception, not the rule.

We’re all for spicing it up in the bedroom with an unexpected implement (safety first, of course.) But it seems our sex lives are relatively vanilla compared to what some of you have been up to.

That’s right, people are sharing their favourite items that aren’t made for sex but that they enjoy using in bed – and we don’t know whether to be impressed or concerned.

Forget vibrators and lube, blindfolds and handcuffs – talk about predictable. More than 1,000 members of the Reddit community have shared just how creative they’ve been getting.

The following content is obviously NSFW but if you’re intrigued, we’ve rounded up the best confessions below…

Electric toothbrush

One of the most popular admissions was the use of an automatic toothbrush in the bedroom.

It doesn’t take a genius too figure out that the vibrations probably feel pretty pleasant down there.

This comment had 1,500 upvotes, and others agreed saying: ‘It’s nice to know I’m not alone,’ and ‘Had a girlfriend swear by it.’

Actually, 10% of women say they’ve used their toothbrush for exactly this reason.

We certainly don’t advise giving this a go yourself, and for the love of god, don’t brush your teeth with it afterwards.

Theragun

Alarmingly, this was another common suggestion. Otherwise known as a massage gun, designed to get knots out of your muscles and pummel your deep tissue, it’s made for athlete recovery.

It seems to have left some people needing to recover for different reasons though, after one inventive Redditor attached a sex toy to it.

‘I put in a dildo, my husband put the theragun on it, and I came so hard I started to go into shock. It was too intense – never again,’ wrote @chihuahuaapocalypse.

The commenter added to ‘be careful and know your limits’ to those in the who said they wanted to give it a go, and we’d suggest not doing it, at all.

A canoe paddle

‘I was in a tourist shop in Wisconsin Dells, and spotted an 18 inch long miniature wooden canoe paddle with a cute little fish painted on it,’ wrote @DocQuang.

‘Bought it. It’s now my favourite BDSM tool.’

While we can’t say this was a common admission, it certainly gets points for creativity. We love some safe consensual power play and if it works… it works.

Just be mindful of splinters.

Puppy pads

Yes, this may suck all the romance out of your romp but it’s a very innovative use of a household object.

@Foxbii said: ‘A puppy training pad, just so I won’t have to change the sheets every time.’

It’s to avoid that inevitable damp patch in the middle of the bed. People often lay towels down to circumvent this but a puppy pad involves even less clean up.

Redditors were impressed with this, saying: ‘Okay but that is GENIUS.’

Others shared that they use a ‘waterproof blanket’ as a workaround. ‘It covers a fairly large amount of space and I better for the environment than disposable puppy pads,’ said @Katharinavhill.

Honourable mentions

There are plenty of other household items used for sex that really shouldn’t be.

A hairbrush was a common suggestion, and it turns out 15% of women admit to using the hairbrush handle to masturbate – we assume as a makeshift dildo.

Cucumbers and carrots were also popular confessions. You should lock away your vegetables because about 6% of women use carrots, parsnips, bananas and maybe even aubergines to get themselves to the finish.

A ping pong paddle, a Calippo, a Mars bar, a pool noodle and a tube of M&Ms were all also used in coitus, and we’re never going to look at any of them the same again.

Do you have a story to share?

Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.

Social media is full of ‘advice’ for single people: dating dos and don’ts, and a never-ending discourse on how to land your soulmate.

From red flags and beige flags to relationship ultimatums, it can be difficult to separate the genuinely useful information, from the nonsense that could ruin your love life. 

‘Many trends teach people to test, analyse and categorise potential partners rather than engage with them authentically,’ psychologist, sex and relationships advisor, Barbara Santini, tells Metro.

So, with that in mind, we’ve rounded-up five of the most common social media dating trends, to work out how if they’ll really help you find love.

Ick lists 

Your once gorgeous crush suddenly becomes stomach churningly cringe due to the smallest of reasons (running after the bus, using an umbrella) and suddenly, you have the ick.

We love sharing our icks, and extensive lists with literally hundreds of turn-offs have been circulated on TikTok — but Barbara reckons they’re not as funny as you think.

‘Keeping an exhaustive list of minor turn-offs is a recipe for self-sabotage,’ she says.

‘While preferences are natural, an ‘ick list’ turns dating into a relentless search for flaws.’

Rather than fostering a connection, Barbara adds that these lists create a ‘hypercritical mindset that dismisses potential partners over trivialities.’

Dating tests

Dating tests involve setting up real-life situations and filming partners’ reactions to see if they ‘pass’.

The ‘orange peel theory’ encouraged TikTok users to ask their partners to bring them an orange, and observe whether they’ll take the extra step to peel it for them.

Similarly ‘the ketchup theory’, involves making a deliberate mess on a kitchen surface to see if the partner being tested will automatically clean it up.

However, even if your partner ‘passes the test’, it might not indicate a perfect relationship.

Barbara says these tests can ‘weaponise normal human behaviour, turning harmless moments into pass/fail scenarios.’ 

She adds: ‘They cultivate distrust and a false sense of control, where partners are unknowingly judged.

‘In my view, healthy relationships are built on communication, not hidden assessments.’

So next time, just talk to your partner, and peel the orange yourself.

Boyfriend/girlfriend applications 

Seemingly fed up of dating apps, some singletons have resorted to posting full-blown boyfriend or girlfriend applications online in search for the perfect candidate.

While it might seem a fun way to ensure your criteria is being matched, Barbara says it’s not a good idea.

‘Forcing someone to “apply” to date you creates a power imbalance and reinforces a checklist mentality,’ she says.

It’s also important to note that you may not realise just how many great potential matches are out there for you, if you’re set on a specific type of person.

As Barbara adds: ‘Love goes beyond ticking boxes.’

Rules for dating me 

‘No friends of the opposite sex’, ‘monthly date nights’, ‘surprise me without asking’.

These are just some expectations people have shared on TikTok as their rules for dating them. 

Barbara says that while setting boundaries is ‘crucial’ in relationships, these ‘rigid rules reframe dating as a list of demands rather than a mutual effort’. 

‘I believe relationships require negotiation, adaptability and understanding,’ adds Barbara.

‘Overly strict rules often mask unresolved insecurities and drive away potential partners who seek balance, not a contractual agreement’. 

Dating Up 

The idea of dating someone richer, better looking or with higher status isn’t new – but Gen Z has given it a new twist on TikTok by dubbing the concept ‘dating up’. 

Initially, the trend was a positive way to celebrate setting your standards high. However, it’s also given rise to the problematic idea of ‘dating down’.

Barbara argues that the obsession with ‘dating up’ could foster entitlement, unrealistic expectations and transactional relationships. 

She explains: ‘Prioritising wealth, status, and attractiveness over genuine connection reduces dating to a competition rather than a shared journey. 

‘It creates an imbalanced power dynamic where one partner feels superior and the other struggles to prove their worth.

‘This is when we see love becoming conditional, making real intimacy nearly impossible.’

Do you have a story to share?

Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.

Living at home into adulthood has its advantages, from little-to-no rent and a fully stocked fridge — but it also has some pretty big downsides, as one reader found out.

At 23-years-old, this woman was horrified to learn that her mum had read her diary.

Unsurprisingly, the mum learnt something she wishes she hadn’t: that her daughter has a pretty active sex life. And now, their relationship is more strained than ever.

Read the advice below, but before you go, don’t forget to read last week’s column about a girlfriend wondering if her partner will ever forgive her after she slept with his brother.

The problem:

I’m a girl of 23 whose mum still treats her like a 15-year-old. Last week she read my journal and was horrified to find out that I not only have a sex life, but I’ve slept with more than one guy. Shock, horror!

I’ve been living at home for nearly two years, since leaving university in 2023. I don’t want to live here, but finances stop me from living anywhere else than with my mum.

I’ve been journalling since I was about 17 and it has honestly never occurred to me that anyone else would want to read my private thoughts.

My diaries are kept in an unlocked drawer and last week, when I was away with friends, my mother stumbled upon them when ‘putting some washing away’ for me. She admitted that as soon as she found them, she couldn’t help having a read.

I don’t go into great detail about sex, although I do have codes about what I did with certain guys, and how good it was. Thank heavens Mum couldn’t decipher them, otherwise she’d have been even more shocked.

She tried to be calm about it, but in a very passive-aggressive way, told me off about ‘sleeping around’ and said men wouldn’t respect me. She said I was too easy, as it’s clear from my journals that I slept with some guys the night I met them. Big deal!

I’m so furious that I can hardly look at her or speak to her. What makes matters worse is that my younger brother talks openly about all the girls he hooks up with, and my mother never says a word.

The advice:

Oh my goodness, I feel angry for you! I needn’t tell you that you’re quite old enough to do what you want with as many lovers as you choose, and your mum had no right to read your journals.

But it’s done now, so the question is how you move forward. I can imagine it’s difficult but you need to stay calm and talk to your mother like an adult – not the little girl she clearly thinks you still are.

It’s important to be assertive without being aggressive, and tell her categorically that she is never to read your diaries again. Don’t inflame the situation by losing your composure or telling her to mind her own business, however angry you feel.

I’m sure she loves you dearly and wants only the best for you, but she is very much living in the past if she thinks boys can sleep around and girls can’t. Stand up for yourself, and calmly explain that you’ll do what you like with whoever you wish – as your brother does with his partners.

Once the dust has settled, I’m sure she’ll want to move on from this, just as much as you do. For as long as you have to live at home, it’s important for you both to reach a truce.

Look around for house shares where the rent is more affordable than taking on a place of your own; and meanwhile, keep your journals under lock and key.

Laura is a counsellor and columnist.

Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk.

Do you have a story to share?

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Getting married to the love of your life is a day you typically cherish together.

But for 26-year-old May*, her expectations of her special day have hit a bit of a snag. Her fiance, 28-year-old Derek* doesn’t want to spend the whole of their wedding day together.

The couple are getting married in a civil ceremony, but have chosen to skip the traditional reception element as they plan to do that after a church ceremony a year later.

The bride-to-be explained: ‘We originally said that after the civil ceremony, we wanted to go out to dinner with those present – my parents, his brother, and his grandmother.’

Much to May’s surprise though, these plans were quickly derailed by her future husband, who agreed to help out a workmate on their special day.

‘He’s promised a colleague he’ll help set up an event, and he says they absolutely need two days for it,’ she said. ‘Only, the first day of setup is exactly the day of the wedding.’

Understandably, May was ‘offended’ by his decision to leave her after their nuptials.

‘It hurts me a lot, because [it’s] also our anniversary on the day of the wedding,’ she wrote on Reddit.

‘We’ll have been together for seven years, and we haven’t been able to spend several anniversaries together for various reasons,’ she wrote on Reddit. The fact that he then wants to spend just half of our wedding day with me is painful.’

May’s post received nearly 400 comments from many people telling May to call off her wedding, including one who wrote: ‘Huge red flag. I would rethink marrying him at all. This is your biggest day and he chooses to not be there? You deserve better. All he had to do was say “no that’s my wedding day!”‘

Another, @beth_Duttonn, added: ‘If my fiancé made other plans on our wedding day I wouldn’t be marrying him at all! What a clear slap in the face. He doesn’t prioritise you or your relationship.’

But is this behaviour a true deal-breaker? And what does it mean for a relationship going forward?

‘There’s a significant communication gap between this couple regarding their priorities and expectations for their wedding day,’ Danny Zane, of North London Therapy tells Metro. ‘This day symbolises commitment and spending it apart is fruitless and will understandably cause distress for the wife-to-be.’

Ultimately, Danny thinks May’s fiancé is prioritising outside commitments over their relationship, which is damaging their mutual respect for each other.

‘I’d advise her to express her concerns to her partner and explore a potential compromise,’ he adds. ‘Derek should consider why he’s prepared to compromise his wedding day for his colleague.’

Relationship expert Sarah Louise Ryan agrees that the couple have stopped communicating effectively. Far from an isolated issue however, this is something she sees with a number of clients when it comes to big life events – especially weddings.

‘If they are planning a bigger wedding as the main event, one or both parties might not have fully heard the other about the importance of the civil ceremony,’ she tells Metro.

For their relationship to work, Sarah explains they (and any couple, for that matter) need strong foundations based on friendship, trust, understanding, connection and love.

‘I would advise May to suggest pre-marriage prep relationship therapy for better relating and communicating,’ she says. ‘It may be that both people in this scenario were doing their best but they have missed the mark in understanding each other. Don’t simply listen to the internet and assume the worst.’

Do you have a story to share?

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‘Pull the duvet down so I can see better,’ Alex tells me as I slide my hands further down my body.

My boyfriend is standing in the doorway to our bedroom, while I am naked in bed. Following Alex’s order, I toss the sheet aside and expose my naked self to him.

It feels a tiny bit embarrassing at first but I know that he loves my body – he makes a point to tell me all the time – so I push any intrusive thoughts aside. Instead, I embrace the moment.

Staring back at my boyfriend, I smile and start playing with myself.

I don’t invite Alex into bed and he makes no effort to join me either – but his hungry eyes are following my every move. We keep eye contact the entire time but don’t speak beyond Alex uttering the occasional encouraging phrase, like how ‘incredible’ I look and to ‘keep going’.

You could cut the sexual tension with a knife. 

A few minutes later, I climax. It feels delicious – even more so because I am acutely aware that my boyfriend is watching. Once I’ve caught my breath, we both laugh at the randomness of the situation.

Alex had only popped his head into the bedroom to ask if I wanted coffee, when I decided to give him this unexpected treat. He asks if I’d like to take things further (read: have sex) but I’m pretty sated, so I politely decline.

My boyfriend jokingly pulls a disappointed face before announcing that he’s off to take a very cold shower. And, I imagine, have a wank of his own.

This isn’t the first time I’ve masturbated in front of a lover but I’ll admit, it’s been a while.

Partly because I have a pretty great sex life, so recently I haven’t felt the need to ‘go it alone’. But also because I enjoy solo sessions in the morning and rarely get the bed to myself at that time of the day. 

I’m an early riser and Alex likes to sleep in. And while I could get myself off in the shower (too wet) or on my fancy velvet sofa (too expensive), I’d really rather not. 

But this recent experience reminded me of how amazing it can feel to trust in yourself and your lover – and just let go. 

It’s a little embarrassing to admit but I got off on the power.

From talking to people about sex and masturbation over the years, I know that many of them – especially women – feel awkward or unable to play with themselves in front of a lover.

One friend, who is in a long-term relationship, once said it was ‘unthinkable’. The mere idea made her cringe. Funnily enough, her boyfriend had no qualms about giving himself a tug in front of her.

In this instance, my pal wasn’t asking for my advice so I didn’t give any. Though I did tell her about an amazing experience I’d had in the hopes that it might serve as inspiration.

It happened about 10 years ago.

I was on a call with a man I’d been casually seeing for a while, when our conversation escalated to phone sex. Feeling bold, I turned the video function on and held my phone in my hand while playing with myself. 

It was a bit of a balancing act, mind you.

Sure, I noticed that my tummy was rolling up a bit and silently cursed myself for not shaving my legs before the call. But then I told myself, ‘Who the hell cares?’ My lover sure didn’t.

Soon enough, he joined in on the fun by pulling his trousers down and we climaxed together.

The reason this masturbation experience stands out is mostly due to the video element. Being able to see my body and what I was doing to it – while simultaneously seeing my partner’s face – felt thrilling. 

It gave me a newfound appreciation for the magical pleasure that my own hands can bring. And because my lover wasn’t in the room with me, I also felt less self-conscious.

In some ways, masturbation is much more personal than sex with another person. After all, you might have been playing solo for years. 

Maybe you’ve got a special routine that you don’t want to share with anyone else or are still figuring out what makes you tick.

It probably doesn’t help that sex is often lauded as an accomplishment or a goal to tick off, while masturbation is much more hush-hush. And women in particular are often judged for enjoying or exploring their body.

Irrespective of gender, if embarrassment is the reason you’re holding back, try to push past that feeling. There’s nothing shameful or ugly about loving your body and the joy it brings.

Keep the covers on at first, if that’s what you need. Or ask your partner to keep their eyes closed – but keep yours open, if you dare.

Harness the power and the high that comes with owning your pleasure. 

Trust me, you look hot. Your lover wouldn’t be in that bed (or in my case, door frame) if they didn’t enjoy your body.

Once you’re ready, toss that duvet to the side. Let go and feel the magic.

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

Share your views in the comments below.

‘I was depressed and anxious,’ says Suzanna Brusikiewicz. ‘I thought my dating life was over, my sex life was over, and that I’d never feel normal again.’

Suzanna, from Canada, was 34 when she was told that an ingrown hair was actually HSV-2, the strain of the herpes virus which spreads by sexual contact, and causes genital herpes.

If you’ve ever had an STI, you’re not alone. In 2023, 401,800 people in England were diagnosed with a new STI (a 5% increase from the year before), many of which can be swiftly treated – antibiotics or creams can cure the likes of chlamydia, gonorrhoea and genital warts.

But herpes is different. There is no known cure, and the virus remains in your body for the rest of your life.

Yes, it sounds scary, and Suzanna says her own diagnosis initially left her feeling so ‘freaked out’, that she thought about suicide.

But the reality of herpes is very different. ‘It doesn’t really impact my daily life at all,’ Suzanna says.

‘And it’s so common. Most people will get herpes at some point in their life and you’ll probably never know.’

There are two types of herpes virus: HSV-1, the main cause of oral herpes, and HSV-2, the main cause of genital herpes.

The infection can cause sores or blisters – which often occur during a ‘flare up’ – but many people are asymptomatic, and my never know they have it. In fact, seven out of 10 people will have caught one type of the herpes virus by the age of 25, and an estimated 491 million people aged 15 – 49 worldwide have HSV-2.

It’s caught by skin contact and transmission is very likely if bumps are present – and while not very likely when there aren’t symptoms, it’s still possible. People who have HSV-1 can also transmit it to the genital area through oral sex.

As Suzanna says, ‘a small percentage of people get flare ups, and we’re the ones who carry the burden of the stigma.’

‘I thought it would be debilitating’

Suzanna first noticed what she thought was a pimple or an ingrown hair during a trip to visit a long distance boyfriend.

She tells Metro: ‘A couple of days into the trip I noticed the bump, and it hurt a little, but I didn’t think much of it.

‘I headed back home and it started to hurt me, and I also had some pain in that area as well. I just thought I was a little sore from being intimate with my boyfriend, or that I was getting a UTI.’

But when the bump became a blister, the alarm bells started to ring.

‘I went to a women’s health clinic. This was a day or two later, and I already had a few more blisters on my vagina.

‘They took a swab and a week later, they confirmed I had HSV-2, genital herpes.

‘I just burst out crying. I was very distressed.’

Suzanna says medics tried to reassure her that she had an extremely common infection. ‘I remember one nurse literally asked me outright why I was so upset. She was literally like, “it’s not that big of a deal.” But at the time, I just thought “How can it not be?”‘

In the weeks and months that followed, Suzanna’s mental health suffered. ‘I thought it would be debilitating,’ she says. ‘I thought no one would be interested in me or attracted to me.’

Suzanna told her then boyfriend shortly after her diagnosis. ‘I was actually worried and afraid that he would break up with me – I wasn’t even thinking that I might have got it from him. It can be hard to trace back when you caught it, as herpes can lay dormant for years, or even your whole life.

‘When I told him he was very accepting and understanding.’

About a year later, the pair split up. ‘I found out that he’d been cheating and lying for the duration of our relationship.’

It was around this time that Suzanna also told friends and family about her herpes status, with a view to go public online. ‘Even at my lowest point, I always had an inkling I might speak publicly about this,’ she says. ‘I wanted to help other people.’

Suzanna says it took her a while to work up the courage to date. ‘I started by telling people on apps, as it felt easier. I was pleasantly surprised to find most people weren’t worried, or didn’t mind or weren’t afraid of it – and if they didn’t know much about it, they were keen to learn.

‘They appreciated my honesty, and saw it as a green flag.’

In March 2021, she posted on Instagram about having herpes – since then, her presence online has taken off, and she has over 300,000 followers on TikTok.

She says: ‘Herpes has very little impact on my daily life. It’s probably on my mind more than the average person, because I talk about it so much online.

‘There have been times when I have had more frequent flare ups – I used to have them every month as they can be triggered by stress and fluctuations in your hormones, as well as lifestyle factors like food.

‘But there are periods where I don’t get them at all. I also have periods where I take daily antiviral medication, which also reduces the frequency of the flare ups.

‘Most people get them a few times a year.’

Now, Suzanna is dedicated to breaking down the stigma surrounding herpes.

‘There’s this idea that if you have herpes you’re sleeping around, you’re not honest or responsible.

‘We look at herpes so differently when it’s oral – most people get it as kids when we’re kissed by our relatives.

‘But then when that person becomes an adult, and goes down on their partner and that partner gets genital herpes, they’re stigmatised for having an STI. It’s non sensical.’

In the UK, herpes isn’t routinely screened for in sexual health tests, unless you have symptoms – it can’t be checked for if you don’t have signs of the infection.

‘The mental health impact of knowing you have it, can be worse than having the actual virus itself,’ says Suzanna. ‘We need to break down this stigma.’

‘I’ve embraced it as an opportunity to teach others’

It’s a sentiment that sex educator, Emily Depasse, from the USA, agrees with. She had just graduated from university, with a degree in Gender and Sexuality Studies, when she was diagnosed with herpes.

She explains: ‘I had been sleeping with my partner for around two weeks.

‘There was one morning where I was like, something feels very different in my vagina. It sounds really silly, but I had got a new pair of underwear and it was a thong and I thought, maybe it rubbed me the wrong way.’

Emily called her mum, who suggested she go to the doctor.

‘The immediate reaction that the doctor had was, “this looks like herpes”. In that moment, it was, “oh, sh*t”.

‘Even with a background in sex education, I felt embarrassed, I felt shame, I felt disgust. And it was really painful, because I had lesions in my vaginal canal.’

‘You just think, this is incurable. You have it forever.’

At first, Emily says she felt some anger towards her partner – but has more compassion in hindsight. ‘I really don’t think he knew,’ she says. ‘There is a part of me that was very angry, but I’ve moved on. And I really think it was just a lack of education.’

In the aftermath of her diagnosis, Emily says she went through a ‘period of solitude.’

‘It impacted my work life and my overall self worth. I leant on alcohol way too much. I was really struggling. It was a very isolating experience.’

But Emily was also keen to talk about her herpes status. ‘I remember actually emailing my supervisor after I got the diagnosis. I wrote, “I can’t come into work today, because I tested positive for an STI, and I’m really not doing well.”

‘For me, it was important to be vulnerable and sort of speak it into existence.’

Emily says her relationship with her partner shifted after her diagnosis, and the pair split six months later, but she says friends and family helped her accept it.

She says: ‘You look at the stereotype of people with STIs or herpes and you compare yourself you’re like, “Am I this person? Do I fit into this?”

‘It was really important to have that external validation from people who knew me and could say, “Emily, regardless, you’re still you.”‘

Emily also takes antivirals and has learned the triggers that can indicate a flare up. ‘Stress is a big one for me,’ she says. ‘I’ve gone two or three years without having any symptomatic outbreaks.

‘I can feel the symptoms coming on, it’s kind of like a tingly sensation. And so I’ll just take a pill and it will either not come up or it will I’ll have very minimal symptoms.’

Emily, who had already studied sexuality, used her experience as a way to learn more about herpes.

She says: ‘I embraced it as an opportunity to learn and teach others. So, like many millennials in that time, I started writing about it. I had a blog and I made a Facebook post and I felt very empowered.’

As far as dating goes, Emily is also open with potential partners. ‘I’ve always talked to people about it.

‘I’ve only ever had one person reject me. I find a lot of people want to know more before they make a decision. They want to be educated. That’s totally reasonable and wonderful.’

At one point, Emily did join a herpes-only dating app, but felt that only served to heighten the stigma.

‘After I was diagnosed, I felt I was only going to be able to ever date someone else with herpes.

‘It was a way for people to avoid rejection and confrontation, but it doesn’t necessarily support communication with your partners. These apps are just basically reaffirming that people with herpes only should date people with herpes.’

Now, Emily is also committed to breaking down stigma. She says: ‘I do most of my educating on Instagram and TikTok.

‘The one thing I want people to encourage people to do is just pause before they have a reaction to the idea of someone having herpes.

‘Before you think: “I would never sleep with someone with herpes”, just stop and think. Do your research.’

This article was originally published on January 4, 2024.

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It can be easy to judge an age-gap relationship from the outside looking in.

And those in the public eye can often come under more scrutiny for dating older or younger people than the rest of us, especially if it seems to be part of a pattern (we’re looking at you, Leo).

But experts say that – as long as everything is legal, of course – there’s no ‘ideal’ number of years to have between yourself and your partner.

‘We can’t choose who we fall in love with,’ counsellor Sedef Salim tells Metro.co.uk.

‘While there can be societal and cultural biases around relationships with significant age gaps, this really falls down to the two people within that unique connection and relationship.

‘If there is love, trust, acceptance, and responsibility for the possible implication of being in that relationship, then the ideal age gap can mean different things for each unique couple.’

So, what about an upper age gap limit?

Toby Ingham, a psychotherapist and author of Retroactive Jealousy, Making Sense of It, says it would be difficult to give an exact number.

‘There used to be an idea that, as a rule of thumb, half your age plus seven was the guide to the younger age a partner should be,’ he tells us. ‘That may now be outdated.

‘From one point of view, we might prefer that our partners were peers – contemporaries of us. That if the gap was too big there would be problems in terms of cultural values, interest, etc.

‘Now, the [societal] accent being on inclusivity and normalising difference might eradicate such ideas.’

But he also adds that, in a professional capacity, he’s seen intergenerational relationships struggle.

‘In my work,’ he says, ‘age gaps that resemble parental age differences, or different generations, can create complications that breed problems over time.

‘There might be children from former marriages that are the same age as our new partners.’

So how can people in age-gap relationships keep the numbers from getting in the way and make it work?

Sedef said there are key things people should consider if you want to get serious about a relationship like this.

‘For instance, conversations around having children together might be a complex subject to navigate,’ she explains.

‘Has your partner (who is older) already had, and raised their children from a previous relationship? Does your partner feel at a comfortable and responsible age to start that process all over again with you? Or perhaps your partner’s age may impact their fertility?

‘Perhaps the concern is more around health implications. Have you both met at a chapter of your lives where the age gap will become more noticeable in the future, due to age impacting health and mobility? This can maybe bring the phrase “in sickness and in health” closer into focus, as opposed to two similar-aged individuals choosing to spend the rest of their lives together.’

Yes, these are hard topics to cover, but that doesn’t change the fact that having these discussions is pretty vital if you want the relationship to work.

And, in return, you could be rewarded with a loving partner whose differences from you make the time you spend together all the more special.

‘While there can be some tricky discussions and dealbreakers that may come up for couples with a significant age gap, [a] life together, can be very satisfactory and joyful for couples,’ Sedef says.

‘They can explore a completely different and fresh perspective within one another.’

This article was originally published in January 2024.

Welcome to How I Do It, the series in which we give you a seven-day sneak peek into the sex life of a stranger.

This week we hear from Asad*, an unemployed 28-year-old, currently living in Pakistan with his family.

He’s looking for work in the UK so he can join his girlfriend of four years, Jaya*, who is originally from India, but living in London and working for a magazine.

The pair met through Bumble and had their first date in the capital in 2021, while they were both working in the UK. Unfortunately because Asad’s company wouldn’t sponsor his visa, he had to leave and return to his family home, forcing the pair into a long distance relationship.

To keep their relationship intimate, they enjoy sex over Facetime. ‘My girlfriend calls me a video sex virgin,’ Asad jokes. ‘Before this relationship, I’d never had video sex but she’s taught me well.’

The couple can’t see each other in their home countries because Jaya, 26, is from an Indian Hindu family, and Asad is from a Pakistani Muslim background. Both have traditional families who wouldn’t accept them together.

So, they keep their relationship a secret and hope they can one day reunite in the UK.

Without further ado, here’s how Asad got on this week…

The following sex diary is, as you might imagine, not safe for work.

Monday

I’ve woken up late today but I take a shower and then spend my time applying for communications officer jobs in the UK. I do this for a few hours before eating dinner.

The difference in time zones between Pakistan and the UK is irritating because Jaya and I like to have phone sex. We have to do this at 12am Pakistan time and 7pm UK time, when my parents are asleep.

I lock my bedroom door to make sure no one comes in, and to be extra careful, I go inside my en-suite bathroom so no one can hear me. Pakistani households are very intrusive.

We video call and try some role play: I’m the prisoner and she’s the police officer who is going to do things to me I can’t even dream of.

There is a certain dominance in it which I love. She orders me to get on the ground and put my hands behind back, before having me roll over, stroke my penis and masturbate.

This goes on for two hours. It feels amazing, and I wish time would stop so I could enjoy it for longer. I don’t find phone sex an awkward experience at all – it’s definitely going to be worth feeling tired tomorrow.

Tuesday

It’s 8am and I’m glad that I’ve woken up on time. Again, I sit down and apply for jobs, but I open up my emails and just see countless rejections. It’s so demotivating.

At 12pm Jaya messages that she’s awake. We reassure each other that we just need one yes, and that’s what keeps us going.

Because of the time difference we usually just message on Whatsapp throughout the day. We both miss each other terribly – the last time we were physically together was December 2023 – we went to Kings Cross station and I had to take the train to Heathrow alone.

At last it’s midnight and I get to video call her again. The internet connection in Pakistan is terrible, so our calls keep getting disrupted. We tell each other we miss each other and we talk about how our parents will react to our relationship when we decide to tell them.

We’re both looking forward to seeing each other again, but we just don’t know when that will be, and we pray there will be a way for us to reconnect.

It’s been a pretty depressing day, so I turn the light out and go to sleep.

Wednesday

I wake up at 11am and I know I’m sleeping in because I feel low – I can’t see my girlfriend, I keep getting job rejections and I don’t know when I’ll make it to the UK again.

The day crawls by but finally I make it to 12am and it’s video time. We’ve promised we’re going to talk about things other than jobs, so I’m looking forward to it.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m good at video sex? But my girlfriend does say she wants to have it every time I ask, so I think that’s a yes.

My room is locked, I’m in the bathroom and it’s my turn to be dominant. I’m role playing a rich man and she’s my servant who has stolen something from my mansion.

‘I’m sorry about stealing, sir,’ she says in an innocent voice. I make a motion as if I’m playfully spanking her. ‘I’m going to teach you a very hard le-‘

Before I can finish, the connection gets disrupted. We give up and dirty talk over voice note instead. It’s definitely a different experience but it’s a massive turn on and transports me to another world.

Usually one of us will masturbate while the other watches, but tonight we’re just teasing each other. My first time having voice note sex has been very satisfying. I’ll be using those voice notes to masturbate to while my girlfriend is asleep. I hit the pillow at 4am.

Thursday

After just four hours sleep I’m up and applying to jobs again. At 12pm my queen wakes up in the UK and begins applying too.

When we ultimately can be together, I wonder what will happen next. There are so many tensions between India and Pakistan, and Hindus and Muslims.

My girlfriend and I don’t want to cause a stir, we just want to get married because we love each other. I wonder if that will be enough for our parents when we tell them we’re together?

It’s 12am and I make sure no one can hear me before taking Jaya’s call. We end up bickering about the differences between India and Pakistan and wonder how on earth our families will accept our relationship.

The conversation gets tense but it’s not a full blown argument. We don’t leave it on a good note, both agreeing it’s just best to talk later.

I wish our countries would get along and it wasn’t so complicated – if things weren’t so difficult we wouldn’t have to go to the UK to be together.

I lie awake for a long while before I manage to fall asleep.

Friday

I decide that instead of staying at home today, I should go out of the house and meet friends. But I end up feeling too insecure because they have jobs and I don’t, so instead I stay in and watch Netflix.

At 3pm my parents get back and my mum asks me who was I talking to last night on the phone. I get anxious and I realise she must’ve heard it because it got heated.

I tell her it was just a friend from India who lives in the UK and thankfully she doesn’t ask anymore. My parents are fine with me having Indian friends, but loving an Indian woman and marrying one? All hell would break loose.

I tell this to my girlfriend and it makes her laugh, but it’s a shame that telling our families is something that scares us. People normally feel excited when telling their loved ones about their marriage plans, but we certainly don’t.

Neither of us are really in the mood for sex today. Instead we just talk about what to do when we both are together again. A date night where we order food and watch a romcom sounds nice.

Saturday

I wake up at 3.30pm and I know it’s because I’m not enjoying life in Pakistan – I have no social life and nothing to look forward to.

I check my phone to see a lot of reels from my girlfriend on Instagram. We exchange a lot of reels on Instagram mainly about cats, dogs and interfaith relationships. We are in a reel-ationship at this point.

It hits 12am and like clockwork we video call and start taking our clothes off. I can hear my girlfriend but all I see is a frozen video of her taking off her bra and I’m taking off my pants.

So, we resort to Snapchat, exchanging pictures and videos there instead. We don’t role play tonight, we just send each other videos of us playing with ourselves.

She touches her tongue to indicate that she wants to lick my penis, and I touch my d*ck saying that it has her name written on it.

Sunday

I wake up at 5pm to lots of messages from my girlfriend about how tired she is of our situation.

My girlfriend wonders if we are chasing a mirage. We just need one employer to say yes but our mental health is deteriorating during the process.

We’re questioning what we’re doing with our lives. We know there are compromises and difficulties in relationships but in our case, politics, culture, religion and even travel play a factor. Both of countries have ‘weak’ passports, meaning we have limited access to other countries without the need for a visa. I question what we’re going to do.

We don’t call tonight because Jaya is getting ready for work tomorrow, I’m left to go to bed with no answer about what our future holds.

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Recently, I visited a club for the bi-curious with a favoured client — let’s call him Johnnie — as he was keen for me to watch him dress as a girl and play with boys. 

I’ll be honest, I really didn’t have a clue what to expect. At all. I have always avoided recreational group sex as I find them not sufficiently profitable for my taste. Plus I am only gay for pay — I play with women in films and also occasionally in sessions — but outside work I am blisteringly heterosexual. 

But that day I was in town alone and idle, and Johnnie begged and promised me beer, so I succumbed.

Dressed in stockings, a short skirt, heels and a pretty blouse — more businesslike than slutty, but easy access, just in case I decided to dig in — I met Johnnie at Kings Cross and we headed for the club, which resides in a thrillingly dingy basement just round the corner. 

Every Monday it offers itself up for ‘group play’, chiefly for bisexual men, and their partners. To this end, they try to attract women, for where women go, men will follow. Single women go free; mixed sex couples go free; crossdressing men pay £10; single men, £55.

Despite being a seasoned pro when it comes to sex, I couldn’t help but feel nervous. Johnnie had told me he’d been there before, years ago, and described it as the most sordid night of his life, watching two city boys spit roasting a cross-dresser on a grubby cement floor. 

While I was planning on relying on my posh voice and natural air of authority to escape with my virtue intact, I also knew there might be a chance I might be overcome with lust and wind up in my first ever orgy. Who knew…

First, we went upstairs to turn Johnnie into a girl. He’d brought a basque, stockings, thigh high boots, a slutty skirt, long ginger curls, and kilos of glittery make up.

I began to apply false eyelashes and lip liner to his quivering excitable self, while next to us, sat in front of a three bar fire, was a short, elderly gentleman, glumly turning himself into a French maid. 

Once Johnnie was ready, we linked arms, took a deep breath and walked dwn the stairs and into a sweaty, squirming vision from the final days of Rome. There were mattresses on the floor and sex swings suspended from the ceiling, all occupied.

There was a bar, thank the good lord, and Johnnie had thought to stuff his credit card up his long red satin glove. ‘Wine’, I muttered, urgently. ‘Lots of wine.’ He tottered to the bar, and I turned to a handy, not too frightening looking, fully dressed couple. 

‘Hello!,’ I blurted out. ‘It’s my first time and I’m terrified! How are you?” They beamed at me pityingly.

Turns out this couple turn up every Monday afternoon. They seemed to be genuine enthusiasts, keen to play and experiment. The woman told me to only do what I was comfortable doing; not to be pressured by anyone; it was perfectly OK just to watch. 

There were signs everywhere emphasising this point: make sure you get consent before anything else. My anxiety levels drifted downwards from peak panic.

The man said he’d like to play later. I smiled politely and said I’d be looking round first. He smiled back, and nodded agreeably. 

And then, thank goodness, my wine arrived. I downed it with indecent haste and headed for the play zone.

Instantly I was a target. I was new; I was female; I was clearly fascinated by everything I saw. They came at me like zombies. Thirty or so men, dicks in hands, staggering in my direction, like a scene from Shaun of the Dead. Honestly, I quite enjoyed it. I like being the most popular person in the room.

Mostly I talked to people, but maybe I did enjoy just a little of the fun… It was an experience I’d put somewhere between a series of interviews and an orgy, but much closer to the chatting end of the spectrum. 

Mainly I watched — and there was a lot to look at. I even spotted the glum French maid getting drilled on a sex swing, which seemed to have cheered him.

‘I feel like a duchess at an orgy,’ I whispered to Johnnie, urgently, after twenty minutes of this. ‘Have you had enough? When can we leave?’ But Johnnie was staring, transfixed, at a well-endowed chap in the corner, with a distinctive braying laugh and come hither stare.

‘Fancy a bit of that, do you?’ I said, reaching for his wine. ‘Well, I reckon I’ll be alright for another ten minutes. Go enjoy yourself.’

He gasped, then staggered, like one about to faint.

‘That’s – that’s – Chris*!’ he mouthed. ‘From the office!’

‘Ah. Bother. Alright, let’s not panic…’

Too late. For Chris had spotted Johnnie’s transfixed gaze and come sauntering over to make his acquaintance. 

Happily Johnnie makes an excellent girl, really quite distinct from his usual macho appearance, and this, combined with the mood lighting and Chris’ evident tipsiness, meant Johnnie – that’s married, respectable, slightly famous Johnnie – calmed down somewhat when he realised Chris had no clue who he was.

He didn’t risk conversation though, just promptly got busy on the man’s impressive purple tumescence.

Soon enough, Johnnie was ready to leave, so we grabbed each other’s hands and ran for the cloakroom.

‘Come back soon!’ the nice couple called after us. ‘We wanted to play with you!’

Well, maybe. After all, it was a thrilling lark, safe, well-managed, and I thoroughly recommend it to the curious and courageous. 

For me, the social mores were the trickiest thing to navigate. I feel when entering a social situation one should first enquire as to the person’s health, travel arrangements, rough location within the country, state of mind, and probably compliment them on their outfits.

My new friends didn’t seem at all interested in these niceties, and most of them weren’t wearing outfits for me to compliment.

As Johnnie and I shared wine and pie on the train home, we giggled at our daring and wondrous escape, deciding we would definitely go again, now we had a better idea of what to expect. I have since even recommended the night to my clients who are bi-curious. 

The only nasty moment was the next day when Johnnie couldn’t find his work pass, which boasts his name, photo and work address and could have proved awkward in the wrong hands. (I’m not saying he’s definitely a high profile political figure, just that it’s not out of the question).

Happily he later found it stuffed in his shiny, thigh high, Barbie pink boot. Phew.

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Cheating on your partner is one thing, but doing it with someone they know, or worse, are related to, is quite another.

In this week’s Sex Column, we hear from a reader grappling with guilt after sleeping with her boyfriend’s brother.

He knows the truth, and the betrayal so close to home is proving to be the ultimate test for their relationship. Now she’s wondering – will he ever be able to move past it?

Read the advice below, but, before you go, don’t forget to read last week’s column about a woman who is desperate to get married and have a baby, but her long-term partner isn’t ready to settle down. 

The problem:

I did something horrible when my boyfriend and I split up, and although we got back together shortly afterwards, he found out and won’t forgive me.

It makes me cringe to admit it, but basically, I slept with his younger brother. I know it sounds terrible, but at the time, I was miserable about the breakup and although I wasn’t consciously plotting revenge, somehow I got together with him at a party.

I’d also drunk too much, so my judgement wasn’t great, and the following morning when I woke up next to him, I immediately regretted what I’d done.

I told him as much, and he was very sweet about it. When I asked him not to say anything he promised he wouldn’t, and maybe if his brother and I hadn’t got back together, he would have kept to his word.

However, two weeks after the party, my ex called wanting to talk. He said he’d made a mistake (he went off with another woman), and he missed me and wanted to give us another go. Of course I said yes, as I’d missed him so much, too.

It seems that when he told his sibling we were back together, I was immediately ‘outed’ and my boyfriend sent me a vicious message, saying he wouldn’t dream of touching me after what I’d done.

I tried to explain and apologise – I even hand-wrote a note and put it through his door. His response was just a curt ‘leave me alone’ (only nastier) message on my phone.

I know what I did was pretty awful, but why can guys get away with sleeping around and girls can’t? I thought we lived in an age of equality.

I’m in a complete mess and can’t see a way out.

The advice:

You know, if you’d actually just ‘slept around’, you might have got away with it – especially since you and your ex weren’t even a couple at the time. You had every right to do whatever you wanted since he’d left you for another girl.

But you need to factor in human nature here. You had sex with his brother, and that’s just a step too far for many people.

Think about it the other way. How would you feel if your ex slept with your sister or your best friend? I’m guessing you’d hate it, because the wound is felt more deeply when it’s so close to home.

There’s a slim chance that he may eventually calm down and you’ll have another opportunity to reunite, but don’t bank on it. It may always infuriate him that his own sibling has had sex with his significant other, and it’s something he may never be able to forget.

Maybe if his love for you were strong enough, he could find it in his heart to understand and forgive you. But is it? Remember, he’s already left you once for another woman.

Without wishing to lecture you, take this as one of life’s tough lessons; it’s never advisable to drink (or otherwise party) so much that you lose control of what you’re doing.

Move on with your life and don’t hang around waiting for this guy. If he does one day want a reconciliation, only accept if you’re certain he won’t keep throwing this incident in your face.

Laura is a counsellor and columnist.

Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk.

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I can picture the scene so clearly: It’s 2008, I’m 20 and after moving to London for university, I’m making the most of every moment.

Immediately, I was blown away by the big lights and possibilities: New friends, new opportunities and potentially, a new man. 

The throngs of the city had pulled me in, especially the nightlife. My friend Martha and I started visiting Camden, the rocker’s paradise. The people were fresh, motivated and exciting. We loved it.

Milling around a pub frequented by artists and creatives alike, one evening, I spied the handsome singer from a band I loved. I couldn’t believe my eyes! Acting on Martha’s giggly pleas, and my newly found big city confidence (or was it the tequila?) I went over to say hello. 

Palms sweating (which was definitely the tequila), I made my approach. Not sure what I was expecting, I fumbled an awkward introduction – something along the lines of: ‘Really love your band, big fan for years.’ Memorable. 

Much to my amazement, he bought me a drink and we started dancing. For the next couple of hours, I was on top of the world!

Before Martha and I headed home, the singer asked for my number. Trying to be the coolest 20-year-old on the planet, I played it nonchalantly and instead took his. 

The bus back to our flat in Putney was filled with excited squeals… was I actually going to date a rock star? I felt elated and drunkenly certain I’d fit in with the elite London rock scene – after all, I loved music and partying, two very necessary qualities. 

Trying not to seem overly eager, I messaged him the next week. We arranged to meet up, this time in a bar I’d never been to, but he said it was fun there. Of course, there were no protests from me. Going to a cool bar with a cool guy sounded pretty… cool. 

However, on date day, I was excruciatingly nervous. I became incredibly self-aware as to just how boring I was going to seem to a rockstar; my passions were video games and history documentaries, hardly interests I could see my eyeliner clad beau falling off his tour bus for. 

I donned my most flattering leopard print dress, promising myself I’d only listen to two of his songs on the train there – very reasonable. 

Arriving at the bar, it didn’t strike me as overwhelmingly cool. It was hardly a bar at all, more a tiny room with a few rickety looking tables. The air smelled like musty beer pumps, and worryingly, vomit. 

My date was already inside, getting very comfortable with the whiskey and small collection of CD’s behind the bar. My stomach dropped… was this it? The music was good, at least. A cliché heavy metal dump.

I found a table in the corner, away from two bedraggled guys spitting on the floor. After what felt like an age, Mr Rockstar finally came over, crumpling into his chair. The mood was suddenly tense. I felt a bit sick, uncomfortable, and quite underwhelmed.

I tried to make conversation, about music, about partying, about anything fun I could think of. He was having absolutely none of it and barely uttered a word, which only heightened my ever growing anxiety. 

What was I doing wrong? He seemed so very different to the night we’d danced. Now he was cold, distant and well, pretty rude. I obviously dressed wrong, wasn’t fun and definitely wasn’t anybody worth knowing.

As I felt my confidence evaporating, there was suddenly some hope: He pulled his phone out and started talking about his week. Hurrah! 

A short-lived success, though, as he immediately turned the conversation to other women he was ‘dating’ – from a model, to another woman who partook in rather intriguing night-time activities.

Nothing would better support the statements about his antics, than the accompanying photos, right? As he sat there on his phone showing me photo after photo of gorgeous women, I felt stupid. What had I expected, really? 

As I was planning my haughty exit, the singer went to the bar’s only toilet. Sadly for me, the door was right next to our table and opened to the main room – no hallway, no sound or smell barrier. 

While listening to his stomach contents violently moving south, I wondered why I was still there, but wanted to hit the famous guy with my best departure quip, mostly to restore my tattered self-esteem.

Finally, after 20 minutes and several thunderous noises from the loo, my date bounced out the WC oddly confidently. 

Before I could open my mouth to say goodbye, he jumped in saying he was bored and heading off to a ‘frisky adult group meeting’. But not to worry, he added – I was also invited.

During his absence he’d actually taken the liberty of sending my Myspace photo to the raunchy group organisers, and I’d passed their mandatory attractiveness check!

He then informed me participation was optional and I could ‘just watch if I felt uncomfortable’. 

I didn’t know what to say. Much like his stomach, my mind was now clear. Quickly I left, feeling silly, and also quite revolted. I did not contact my voyeur vocalist again, and happily declined a future drink invite.

Now 14 years on, I do still listen to his music – but only two songs, very reasonable!

This article was originally published November 23, 2024

Looking up at my boyfriend last week, I bit my lip as I tried to hold back a moan.

We were in the middle of sex and every thrust made me want to scream out in pleasure.

He knows exactly which buttons to push and boy, does he enjoy pushing them.

But there was a problem: We were not alone in the house.

A good friend of mine was sound asleep and gently snoring in the next room.

I hadn’t actually intended to have sex while my mate was visiting, in fact I’d consider it rude.

But my boyfriend and I have both been very busy with work as of late, and sex has taken a backseat.

So when he walked into our room that night in just a towel, I couldn’t resist.

What started out as an innocent make-out session soon turned into a full-blown shag fest.

And so, there I was – trying desperately not to wake my mate, who was none the wiser to our sexy activities.

I hadn’t even considered the power of silent sex, but this was a different level of pleasure.

It’s not in my nature to be quiet but the fact that I couldn’t give in to my urges was only making the sex more intense.

When he noticed that I was approaching orgasm, he gently put his hand over my mouth in an effort to help.

I can’t quite describe why but this gesture sent a shiver down my spine. 

Moments later, my orgasm arrived, and it was unbelievable. 

And it got me thinking about how quieter sex doesn’t mean bad sex – in fact, it was quite the opposite. 

When I was younger, I made the mistake of thinking that being loud automatically meant things were going great in bed.  

To naïve, sexually inexperienced me, being noisy in the sack was a way to show my lovers just how much fun I was having. 

Besides, every porn film I’d ever seen always included extremely noisy women.

At the time, I didn’t fully realise that these sounds were for the viewer, not the people having sex on screen.

I didn’t have any outright When Harry Met Sally loud faking moments myself, but I’ll admit, I certainly exaggerated from time to time. 

And it took me years to realise that silence can actually be a huge turn-on.

A few years ago, I was at a friend’s garden party, where I met Sam*.  

We were both single and had an instant connection. 

As the temperature dropped, the rest of the group went inside and knowingly left us to get more acquainted. This was our chance. 

Sam grabbed my hand and we snuck away to the other side of the garden, which was conveniently located away from any prying eyes.

Holding me against the wall with one hand, he let his other hand wander under my skirt. 

To me, silence during sex isn’t actually about volume, but control

Soon enough, I was panting against his shoulder.

‘Sssh, you have to stay quiet,’ he whispered, as I tried my best not to moan out loud.

Being forced to remain quiet was a sort of painful pleasure, but it only made the experience hotter.

Another time, I was in bed at home with my date, Henry*, when the phone rang. 

Not long into my conversation with a friend, I noticed a naughty look in Henry’s eyes.

As I gabbered on with the person on the other side of the line, he started kissing my neck.

My breath caught in my throat.

This all happened in a matter of seconds and my brain needed a moment to catch up.

My friend was sharing juicy gossip but I was afraid to open my mouth, in case a moan came out.

‘Ehm, I’m sorry, I have to go… do something quickly. I’ll call you back in a bit,’ I uttered before tossing the phone aside.

The sex that followed was explosive.

To me, silence during sex isn’t actually about volume, but control. 

Rather, I am instinctively a pretty loud person so having to hold back or be quiet is a challenge – and I think that’s part of why I like it so much.

The idea of getting caught is also a big turn-on and a fairly common fantasy for many people.

Though, I’ll admit; fooling around with someone while your mate is on the phone, or in a friend’s garden, is not considerate behaviour. I wouldn’t do it again and it’s not something I recommend you try, either.

But having silent sex on purpose can actually be a great way to spice things up.

For instance, I once teased a lover by telling him that if he made a peep while I was pleasuring him, I’d stop.

We both enjoyed this ‘game’ – I loved seeing his face contort as he tried to keep his expression neutral.

You could use toys to lower the volume as well; I once tried a ball gag but it wasn’t for me. 

Perhaps you’ll like it better than I did.

Just be careful and discuss boundaries first.

Or, if you’re usually quiet during sex, perhaps try something that isn’t your speed and be a little louder next time.

You might be surprised by how much difference noise – or the lack of it – can make in the bedroom.

And how much you enjoy it.

*Names have been changed

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

Share your views in the comments below.

Nestled in the southernmost county of Cornwall sits the newly crowned BDSM capital of the UK.

The city of Truro, known for its unique cathedral and cobbled streets, has some very raunchy locals who have googled the term BDSM more than anywhere else in England.

In fact, with 3,074 searches each month per 10,000 people, the Cornish are keen to explore bondage, domination, sadism and masochism – we’re blushing.

These southern ladies and gents actually search for BDSM and related terms over four times as much as the national average!

While Truro is dominating the rankings, research by podcast Talking Kinky found that the Cambridgeshire city of Ely isn’t far behind.

It may look quaint perched on the riverside, but the residents of Ely are anything but reserved, with 2,839 searches per 10,000 people. With a population of just 20,000 that’s more than 5,000 searches a month.

Coming in third is Durham with 2,484 searches per 10,000 people – naughty northerners. Ripon (Yorkshire) and Chichester round out the top five kinkiest cities in the UK, both with an excess of 2,000 searches.

Unsurprisingly Hereford sits at number eight. The city has recently been named as the postcode that buys the largest dildos in the UK, so it tracks that they’re into some kinky stuff.

Rounding out the top 10 is Chester and Canterbury with 1,307 and 1,269 searches respectively.

There’s no reason to keep your sexual preferences hush hush, because it turns out that 84% of adults have tried BDSM.

It can do wonders for your sex life if you’re open to experimenting with our How I Do It diarist Olivia, 53, embracing her spicy side later in life. She left her unhappy 31-year marriage after reconnecting with her college boyfriend and dipped her toes into the world of kink.

Rich, her boyfriend, is the dominant while she is the submissive, and among edging, safe words, and flogging, she’s having the ‘best sex of her life’.

Other cities that are keen in indulge their sadistic pleasures are Hove (1,163 searches), Norwich (1,105) and Bath (1,091).

When it comes to bringing up the rear, it’s Londoners who seem disinterested in BDSM, with only 206 searches per 10,000 people.

This is pretty surprising given Lovehoney’s recent findings, naming it the raunchiest region down south.

The clear winner in terms of amount of sex toys bought per person was east central London, so if you’re wondering why people in the likes of Islington, Camden and Westminster look especially happy, that’ll be why.

So, where does your home town measure up?

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Welcome to How I Do It, the series in which we give you a seven-day sneak peek into the sex life of a stranger.

This week we hear from Melissa*, a 40-year-old married mother-of-two, who works as an events producer in London.

Melissa and her husband, Dan*, went through a phase when they averaged about two sex sessions a month — but lately, they’ve been having more sex than ever.

Thanks to a change in their working patterns, and more opportunities to work from home, the pair have been enjoying getting intimate during the day. In fact, they rarely have sex in the evenings anymore at all.

‘We both enjoy sex a lot and it’s fantastic when we do it,’ Melissa says.

‘If we both had to go back to the office full time it would cause problems for our relationship and sex life.

‘We used to argue when we could only have sex in the evenings, because I would rarely initiate, but now I’ve got energy during the day, I make the first move.’

Without further ado, here’s how Melissa got on this week…

The following sex diary is, as you might imagine, not safe for work.

Monday

I wake up at 5am as Dan happily snores next to me — he rolls over and grunts as I get up to take a quick shower and get dressed, before grabbing some breakfast and leaving the house.

I have a full day of meetings and event preparation all over London. By 6:45pm, I feel like I’ve run a marathon, and I still need to pick my eldest child up from netball, get home, and get the kids fed and in bed.

Not only am I physically exhausted but my brain is now out of battery completely. By the time the children are asleep, I can hardly keep my eyes open.

I don’t even have enough energy left to chat to Dan but in bed, I know he’s got the horn as he pulls his usual evening moves: spooning from behind, giving me a back rub. But tonight, I can’t bare him touching me. I’m so tired, so I roll over and say, ‘Sorry but not tonight’.

Tuesday

Today is less manic. Dan does the school run, I have no meetings, and it’s a work from home day. While he’s out, I indulge myself with a long shower, hair mask, and a full body moisturise.

God dammit I feel like a new woman, so I put on my sexiest lingerie and wait suggestively on the bed for my husband to arrive home.

I hear him five minutes later at the front door, ranting about the traffic and weather, until he walks in and sees me. Instantly his mood changes.

Day sex has been the corner stone of our sex lives since Covid. It’s bloody great, and I tell you what, it sets you up for work better than any coffee ever could.

Dan doesn’t even bother to take his clothes off, and he’s already on top of me, kissing me with such passion it reminds me of 15 years ago when we first got together and all we wanted to do was kiss and shag!

He slowly moves his hands down my body and his fingers start to work. I have to admit I bloody love foreplay, and he is particularly good at it. He then flips me over onto my back and enters me from behind.

The sex is good, really damn good. Once we’ve finished, we both smile and then get back to our desks.

Wednesday

This morning tests every inch of my patience because my youngest is whinging and saying no to everything from the second he wakes up until we leave the house.

He’s kicking and screaming which makes the school run stressful, so my mood is less than perfect. A quick coffee in my favourite local spot followed by two hours of calls, calms me.

I arrive back home at lunch time and although I would like a quick romp, an imminent work pitch is playing on my mind, so I refrain. After work it’s time for a spin class; the perfect end of day activity.

At home the mood is better, almost chilled, which is rare. After the children’s bedtime, I make dinner as we talk about summer plans. By bedtime I don’t think either of us are in the mood for sex, so we cuddle and fall asleep.

Thursday

My morning gym class really gets me in the mood, so as soon as I get home, I turn on the shower and call in my husband.

He’s on a call at his desk, so I have to shower alone and then I head into the bedroom. Still horny, I wait for my husband to finish his call in my sluttiest Ann Summers outfit (it’s a bodice that makes me look like I’ve a had a boob job, and a high cut thong).

His call takes ages and I’ve got a meeting in 20 minutes, so I decide to hurry him up by giving him his very own peep show. I can see him on the terrace walking up and down, so I stand at the bedroom window, open the curtains, and flash him.

Sometimes I feel too old to wear this kind of outfit, but it makes me feel incredible, confident and sexy. He ends his call abruptly and before I know it he’s in the bedroom, kissing me passionately and holding me up against the wall.

Again, foreplay plays a large role in our session. Then full sex. I’m leant over the bed with him behind me.

The sex again is mind blowing. We get dressed and head back to our desks with huge grins on our faces. God, I love day sex.

Friday

Friday is always a great day in our house, as there’s no extra curricular activities for the children and it’s pizza night for the kids and curry take away for us.

We don’t have sex on Fridays usually because a Vindaloo eating husband doesn’t bode well for bedroom. Instead we just enjoy each other’s company on the sofa.

Saturday

We have friends over for lunch. We have lots of wonderful food and wine, and we all watch a movie and eat popcorn late into the evening.

I jump into bed around 11, leaving Dan to watch a documentary on TV.

We definitely have more sex than we used to, although I often wonder if Dan still wishes it could be more. It is still something we bicker about.

There’s no denying that more intimacy has made us feel more connected.

Sunday

We’re off swimming today and in the bedroom I decide to pop my costume on before leaving the house. As I bend down, Dan takes the opportunity for to get a full handful of my arse.

Although he clearly wants a quickie, I can already hear the kids arguing in the lounge, so we grab them and head to the pool.

We have a great day of family fun, and exhausted, I head to bed early.

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‘It’s not you, it’s me’ is one of the generic explanations we often reach for when it comes to a breakup.

But women have just revealed a far more alarming reason they’ve been dumped by a partner, and this one rests squarely with men.

Nearly half of women (44%) believe they’ve been broken up with because of their feminist views. You know, the movement fighting for equal rights and opportunities to our male counterparts? Yeah, that one.

According to the global study by dating app Flirtini, 62% of women also believe that being a feminist has made it more difficult to find a partner.

‘Some men can feel demonised by a narrow or misinterpreted definition of feminism that portrays it as anti-male,’ psychotherapist Naomi Magnus, founder of North London Therapy, tells Metro.

‘This misunderstanding can cause defensiveness and resentment, with some seeing feminism as an attack rather than a movement for equality – and this is especially true if they encounter aggression or exclusion, which can create pushback against feminist ideals.’

To understand why feminism seems to be so contentious right now, consider the wider political climate: not only is the US President the same man who said being famous meant he could ‘grab [women] by the pussy’, a growing anti-abortion movement continues to gain momentum throughout the Western world.

Offering a glimpse into how the divide has bled into people’s personal lives, the latest season of Love Is Blind saw two relationships imploding as a result of differing ideologies, with Sara Carton leaving her fiancé at the altar because of his ‘traditional’ views and Virginia Miller ending things with her husband-to-be after he refused to take a stance on abortion.

Right now the zeitgeist is abuzz with concerns about how teen boys view women too. You only have to look as far as the Netflix hit Adolescence, which follows Jamie Miller, a 13-year-old who murders his female classmate after being radicalised by incel culture.

He represents the swathes of young men who have been ‘Tate-washed’ by radical misogynistic views online (like those espoused by influencer Andrew Tate, who previously said there’s ‘no such thing as an independent female’). According to Ipsos and King’s College London, about 20% of UK men aged 16 to 29 look favourably on Andrew Tate, while 70% of teachers have reported a rise in sexist language and behaviour in 2024.

Although high profile women – Angela Rayner and Michelle Obama to name but two – have managed to succeed professionally despite this adversity, that doesn’t always translate to success in the dating world.

In fact, 72% of women believe that this success is intimidating to potential boyfriends.

‘Some men can feel a bit intimidated by successful women because of traditional gender roles that tie masculinity to being the main provider,’ therapist Naomi explains. ‘This can make them feel insecure or worried about not measuring up.

‘A woman’s success can shake up their sense of identity and make them question their own achievements and what’s expected of them, which can create challenges in relationships.’

Depressingly, in an effort to assuage these perceived anxieties men have, 61% of women have lied about their career and income, scared that revealing the truth would ‘turn their date off’.

However, Naomi suggests this is a bad idea, both because it prevents you from being your ‘true self’ in a relationship and due to the misunderstandings and resentment dishonesty can cause further down the line.

If dulling down achievements isn’t enough, more than half (59%) of women have been criticised by their other half for not being feminine enough in terms of their appearance and behaviour.

Some men also still have an issue with women embracing their sexuality, as a whopping 64% have been ‘slut-shamed’ by their significant other for the way they dress or their sexual experiences.

It all sounds very regressionist. But Naomi says it’s not surprising that perhaps more men than women seek traditional gender roles and have more dated views.

‘Both men and women can be interested in traditional roles in relationships, but society tends to push men toward those roles more often,’ she says.

‘There are strong expectations around masculinity that suggest men should be the providers and decision-makers. As a result, men might be more inclined to want that traditional dynamic, while women are generally looking for more equality in their relationships.’

Take Eliot Donovan from this season of MAFS Australia, who had an extensive list of criteria for his bride, including that she be more of a homemaker and that she wasn’t ‘super opinionated’ or ‘loud’.

His list of demands received major backlash from viewers, but even when women try to conform to certain mens’ antiquated ideals, it seems to be a case of ‘damned if you do, damned if you don’t’.

If we care to have a partner who is financially stable we’re called ‘gold diggers’ or deemed ‘too demanding’ – labels 63% of women have been ascribed.

And Naomi explains that she’s had a number of women come to her with generalisations about men after an abysmal dating app experience, which shape how they’re feeling about men and what they expect from them. This then creates a self-fulfilling prophecy, where men and women become further alienated from each other.

Stereotyping can make dating really tough, says Naomi, and if you want to be successful in finding love, much more compassion is needed from both sides.

‘It’s super important for both men and women to talk openly about what they expect, their fears and their values,’ she adds. ‘Showing each other empathy and understanding is the way to go.’

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The over-promiser, the label dodger, the drama magnet… no, those aren’t the names of superheroes from the Marvel Cinematic Universe, they’re actually categories of romantic partners.

Most people have a ‘type,’ whether we want to admit it or not.

Perhaps you aren’t even aware of what yours is, but subconsciously there will be character traits and behaviours in potential suitors you naturally gravitate towards.

It might be grand gestures or an adventurous streak, or perhaps an open communicator is your biggest green flag.

But what about the type of partner you should steer well clear of?

Well, if you’re ever seeking comfort or advice after a string of dodgy dates or red flag-riddled romances, you know Reddit will always have your back.

In a post with over 9,000 comments, users divulged details of the type of ex they would never date again, from social media addicts to the emotionally avoidant.

Take a look at the list below and to those of you currently loved up, ask yourself: could my partner be one of these?

The gym bro

There’s no shame in taking pride in your appearance. In fact, caring about your health is surely the biggest green tick of all, right? Well, except for when it goes too far…

Reddit user BustyNadorable declares the ‘gym bro’ one type they wish to be well shut of, having dated someone who ‘made everything about fitness’.

‘Don’t get me wrong, I love staying healthy, but I don’t need a lecture about my macros while I’m enjoying my birthday cake,’ they write which, honestly, seems fair.

‘Last straw was when he tried to turn our date night into a couple’s workout session,’ they add.

Clearly familiar with the likes of gym bros, thunderchungus1999 replies: ‘I can smell the spiceless rice and chicken from here’.

Weighing in, relationship expert and co-founder of So Syncd, Jessica Alderson, suggests that vanity and a self-absorbed attitude towards physical appearance can be part of bigger problems.

‘Note how, when they do ask questions, it’s usually because they want to steer the conversation back to themselves.

‘Look out for red flags like constantly interrupting you and not showing genuine interest in your life or opinions. They might also look distant or disinterested when you talk about yourself.’

The commitmentphobe

Having washed their hands of dates who display ‘avoidant personality’ traits, user twinkypromise wants someone who isn’t afraid to put a label on things.

‘They say all these beautiful things, then disappear,’ they write.

Ecstatic-Welcome-119 agrees, saying they ‘called off’ an eight-month relationship after their other half refused to commit.

iiTryhard adds that their ex-girlfriend’s ‘past baggage and trauma’ prevented her from giving 100% to the relationship.

‘I was basically always having to wonder where we stood,’ they share, acknowledging that such behaviours aren’t always on purpose: ‘I don’t even think she was doing it maliciously but in retrospect, it was a big waste of my time.’

Alas, commitmentphobia is more common than we think, as explained by Jessica.

‘A label dodger is someone who goes out of their way to avoid defining the connection. They are usually emotionally unavailable or just not interested enough for a relationship,’ she tells.

‘The biggest red flag to look out for here is that when you try bringing up the topic of exclusivity or commitment, they often change the subject or make jokes to deflect.

‘Evasiveness about anything that moves the relationship forward is also a warning sign.’

‘Nice guys’

Kindness is a turn-on for most people, right? Someone who’s willing to invest in you, is respectful towards your loved ones, and is just an all-round good egg by doing things without being asked.

However, NurseNancyNJ is done with ‘self-proclaimed’ nice guys, declaring: ‘You shouldn’t have to advertise that you’re a good person.’

Agreeing and sharing similar experiences with the opposite sex, Baralx writes: ‘My ex-girlfriend said she was a deeply empathetic person when I met her but turned out to be a narcissist who doesn’t even know what empathy means.’

Jessica explains how claiming to be overly nice can lead to bigger problems later down the line, should someone become what she calls an ‘I can do no wrong’ preacher.

This is someone who never believes they can be at fault and refuses to take responsibility for their actions, which, if not put in their place or cut off early doors, could spell disaster in the communication department.

‘They will always have a way of framing a situation to make themselves look like the victim or the hero. The lack of self-awareness can become toxic and destructive in a relationship,’ she says.

Red flags to look out for in these cases include never apologising, deflecting blame onto others, and manipulating the truth to fit their narrative.

The ‘crisis’ person

In most friendship groups, there’s a drama queen. We all know someone who’s lived a storied life and could easily fill a movie (and sequels) with dramatic tales from their past.

This kind of chaos, however, stops being entertaining when it disrupts your peace.

Consequently, fin_ss has sworn themselves off the ‘crisis people’, aka those who are ‘habitually going through various crises, most of which is partly or wholly self-inflicted.’

Admitting it gets ‘exhausting’ never knowing what’s around the corner, they add: ‘What’s worse than the crises themselves is they are somehow unable to operate normally when there isn’t any, leading to self-destructive behaviour and yet again, more crises.’

Totally familiar with this type of dater, Jessica says a ‘drama magnet’ is someone who thrives on chaos, which often infiltrates their romantic relationships.

‘They have a tendency to create problems or blow things out of proportion to keep things unpredictable,’ she states, noting that the red flags of this person would be constant conflict and inability to take accountability for their actions.

Emotionally unavailable

VelvetSiren4 is adamant they will never date someone ’emotionally immature’ again, aka someone who has difficulty regulating their emotions, handling stress, and who lacks consideration for how their behaviour impacts others.

Similarly, Round-Football-1393 says it’s ‘draining’ to try to build a connection with someone who avoids attachment, while purple_plasmid experienced ‘loneliness’ in being the party always ‘prioritising the relationship’.

Branding these exes ‘serial breadcrumbers,’ Jessica says: ‘This type is all about keeping you on the hook but never committing to a real relationship.

‘They might send flirty texts and sound excited about seeing you, but they always seem to have an excuse for cancelling or not following through.

‘Pay attention to red flags like constantly rescheduling and avoiding concrete plans.’

Gaslighters

Ah, gaslighting. It’s a word that gets thrown around a lot nowadays, but it has a pretty heavy meaning, as a gaslighter is someone who emotionally manipulates another person into questioning their perception of reality.

Having had experiences with such, Reddit users confessed to feeling ‘unloveable’ during these relationships, while KaijuKrash says gaslighting led to ‘probably the worst relationship I’ve ever subjected myself to’.

In fact, Babzibaum didn’t have time for a proper relationship at all when ‘so much time was wasted trying to find the truth’.

Expanding on this type, Jessica hails the ‘selective truth teller’ as a ‘strategic editor’.

‘This type carefully curates the truth, sharing only the parts that serve their agenda while conveniently omitting details to shape a narrative that works for them.’

While they seemingly aren’t ‘outright liars,’ their version of events can be engineered via exaggeration, selective memory, or half-truths.

‘Watch out for red flags like inconsistencies in their stories, vague explanations, and a tendency to dodge questions.’

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It turns out that you should spend less time in search of the seemingly elusive G-spot and more time exploring the CUV zone.

That’s right, there’s actually a whole Bermuda triangle of sexual pleasure which has been dubbed the clitourethrovaginal complex.

The term, which was coined in 2014, has been overshadowed by the supposed holy grail of sexual pleasure – the Gräfenberg spot (or G-spot).

But 2025 is the year the CUV zone will hit its climax as it has been crowned one of the top sex trends for this year by sexual wellness brand Satisfyer.

What exactly is the CUV zone?

If you don’t have a clue what this is you aren’t alone. It turns out the abbreviation CUV stands for ‘clitoris’, ‘urethra’ and ‘vaginal wall’.

Essentially, rather than a certain spot, there’s an entire area to play with.

Sex expert Gigi Engle explains: ‘The CUV is located where we would typically think the g-spot is located.

‘So if you reach up inside the vagina, and you hook up a finger towards the belly button, that whole area, if you move your hands around, it’s that zone.

‘It’s where the clitoris, urethra, vaginal wall all meet structurally.’

She adds that what people refer to as the g-spot is now referred to as the CUV because it was never just one spot that provided sexual pleasure – it was that whole general area.

‘Don’t think of it as some magic button you press,’ Gigi says. ‘There’s a much bigger surface area internally.’

How do you find the CUV zone?

‘For the person who’s touching this area, your fingers will be in the vagina, hooking your fingers gently towards the belly button,’ the sex expert says.

‘It will feel like the grooves in a walnut when you touch it – then you’ll know you’re in the right place and you can experiment with different pressures and sensations to see what your partner enjoys.’

There’s also a high likelihood that a penis won’t stimulate the correct area unless it happens to be curved in a certain way. Instead, Gigi suggests stimulating this zone with fingers or sex toys.

If you want to try and hit your CUV zone with a penis, the sex expert suggests trying the sex position doggy style to increase your chances.

But is stimulating it with a sex toy or fingers going to be pleasurable for everyone? Gigi explains everyone is different.

‘It may not be particularly pleasurable for some people, because there aren’t a ton of touch sensitive nerve endings in the vaginal canal area,’ she says. ‘They are stimulated more with pressure.

‘The sensation you’ll feel is unlike clitoral stimulation. It’s less intense and a deeper sensation, but obviously it’s going to be very different for everybody.’

Basically it can give you a really satisfying sexual sensation but there’s no guarantee it will get you to orgasm – although it’ll certainly help.

Gigi explains that the vast majority of women will still need clitoral stimulation to achieve an orgasm but for some, the CUV zone could well be enough to get them to climax.

‘It’s also important to note that, like with any stimulation, some may find the feeling uncomfortable, and it may make them feel like they need to pee, which is very normal.’

What other zones give us sexual pleasure?

While the CUV zone is set to trend this year, there are other areas that can bring us some mind-blowing orgasms too.

Cervical orgasms are one area that Gigi points out. ‘People can have orgasms from the pressure on the cervix. When the vagina is fully, completely filled and the penis hits the back of the cervix, some people really like it.

‘For some people it’s very painful, and it’s not their thing though.’

There’s also the A Spot, which Gigi says is stimulated via anal sex because the vaginal and anal walls are right next to each other. Again, this isn’t for everybody, but some people may find it pleasurable.

But of course, pretty much anything that gives you sexual pleasure can make you orgasm. ‘People can orgasm through their nipples and their feet too,’ Gigi adds.

So why not try stimulating these areas and add some bang to your bedroom. Literally.

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‘I’m quite genuine, soft and sweet,’ bride-to-be Danielle*, 38, tells Metro. ‘But I’ve cheated on eight serious partners — including my fiancé.

‘I do feel guilty, but I think most people would cheat if they knew they would never get caught.’

Danielle has been with her boyfriend for two years, but says she always finds herself climbing back into her first love’s bed – the only man she’s ever stayed faithful to – even if she vows that this time things will be different.

Now, she’s due to wed at the end of the year, and her husband-to-be has no idea that she’s been playing away throughout their entire relationship.

We’ve all heard the phrase ‘once a cheat, always a cheat’, and recently, infidelity has been all over the headlines.

Earlier this month, footage emerged of married I’m A Celeb winner, Danny Jones, which appeared to capture him ‘kissing’ Love Islander Maura Higgins.

It’s reportedly not the first time Danny has strayed either; the McFly singer was dating model Laura Coleman in 2009 when he met – and allegedly kissed – his now-wife, Georgia Horsley.

And now, the fall-out from the so-called kiss continues, as Danny issued a public statement, saying ‘I want to deeply apologise to my wife and family for putting them in this situation.’ Rumours also suggest that Georgia has moved out of their family home.

When it comes to repeat offending Danny’s not alone, as 41% of women and 49% of men in the UK admit to being serial cheats. And Danielle says that part of the reason why she does it, is because after cheating once, the habit gets normalised.

‘No one would ever suspect me’

‘The first time I ever cheated was on my university boyfriend.’ Danielle tells Metro.

‘We’d been dating for two months when he went away one weekend, and my ex asked me to meet him at the pub. I was still hung up on him, so I went.

‘I can’t blame the drink, but we nipped back to mine and did the deed. I think it was the thrill of doing something bad and getting away with it. But we vowed never to tell anyone.’

For the rest of her two-year long relationship, Danielle snuck off to have sex with her ex once a week, and also began sleeping with her housemate, admitting it became easy to give into ‘the spur of the moment desire for sex’.

‘There was one occasion when my boyfriend was asleep in my bed, so I went into my housemate’s room, had sex with him, and then got back into bed with my partner,’ she says.

‘I know it sounds evil and I did think, “you absolute b**ch”, but my cheating snowballed from there.’

Danielle, who admits to having a high sex drive, says that often, her cheating begins after an argument. ‘I’m reactive, and when someone hurts me, I want to hurt them back,’ she explains.

This was the case with her fiancé, who she met in 2023 at a party.

‘When we first started dating I thought: “No, I’m not going to cheat”. He knew I’d cheated in the past, but not the full extent,’ she recalls.

‘I really did try hard not to. But then one day we had an argument and he called me a sl*g, so I joined IllicitEncounters.

‘Two days later I shagged a married man in the back of his wife’s Range Rover in a pub car park.’

Danielle began to get in the habit of going elsewhere for sex, and admits she continues to enjoy the thrill of cheating,

While she has never confessed to her fiancé, because she doesn’t ‘want to see anyone hurt’, she says she does feel bad for the wives and girlfriends of the men she has sex with.

She adds that she thinks her cheating would come as a surprise to people that know her, commenting: ‘I don’t think people would think I’d do that.’

To keep up her double life, everything on Danielle’s phone is password protected and hidden in folders, and she doesn’t share her location with her partner.

‘I’ve only been found out twice,’ she says. ‘One boyfriend had a friend follow me when I was with another man. And my most recent ex found out when I became pregnant – he was out of the country when I conceived. I had a miscarriage and left him month later.’

Despite the occasional twinge of guilt, Danielle insists she has no desire to change her ways.

‘I really do love my fiancé, but I’m getting married because it’s something he really wants. I’ve never wanted to tie the knot, but it’s important to him,’ she says.

Danielle also sees her cheating as way to protect her relationship. ‘If someone else was telling me they did what I do, I’d think “God, you’re awful”. But I think it takes a very brave person to be with someone forever and not cheat,’ she adds.

‘I’ve seen those relationships become sexless and unhappy, and I don’t want that for myself. So, I’ll continue to cheat.’

‘I realised I could have my cake and eat it too’

Alicia*, from Nottingham, agrees that cheating is easier after you’ve done it once. The teacher has been with her boyfriend, who she met at school, for three years when she went behind his back for the first time.

32-year-old Alicia tells Metro: ‘I went to Egypt with a friend and met an English guy out there, who happened to be from my hometown.

‘The chemistry was there immediately, but at the time, I didn’t even consider that something would happen.’

However, back home, the pair continued to meet up, and Alicia says that even though it was in group settings,’there was no denying there was a spark.’

‘We’d always gravitate towards each other, and it was clear the feeling was mutual,’ she adds. ‘Then, one night, we finally kissed.’

At first, Alicia ‘felt awful’, and told herself it was a one-time mistake.

‘But the thing about cheating, is that once you’ve crossed that boundary, there’s no going back,’ she says. ‘I guess I realised I could have my cake and eat it too.’

Alicia began sleeping with her holiday romance regularly, all behind her boyfriend’s back.

‘I remember there was one day, where I slept with them both,’ she remembers. ‘It sounds shocking, but I was so far into it by then, it didn’t feel like a big deal.

‘There was one occasion when my boyfriend saw the other guy’s watch on my bedside table. I somehow managed to think on my feet and make up a lie. I said one of my friends had been round, and it was her boyfriend’s.’

After three months, Alicia moved away and the affair ended. When she revealed all to her boyfriend, he dumped her – but they kept in touch and about two months later, got back together.

‘I mainly agreed to start things up again because I felt bad,’ she says. ‘The problem was, cheating changed everything. Once I knew I could have those feelings for someone else, the relationship with my boyfriend just wasn’t the same.

‘We were long-distance, and I met a guy at work. He wasn’t my usual type, but had charisma with a capital ‘C’. And of course, the fact that I couldn’t have him made me want him even more.

‘I tried really hard not to do anything, but I was like a moth to a flame, and soon I was straying again.

‘In a way it’s ironic, because I was so consumed with guilt from cheating the first time, that I stayed with my then-boyfriend because I didn’t want to hurt him. But being in an unfulfilling relationship only led to me cheating even more.’

The relationship finally broke down a few years later.

Alicia says: ‘Funnily enough, he dumped me. He never knew about my serial cheating, but I think he knew he deserved more.

‘I’ve been in another relationship since, and I didn’t cheat. So maybe the spell is finally broken.’

‘It’s a pattern of self-sabotage’

These stories might feel bleak, but Dr Emily May tells Metro that just because you’ve strayed once, it doesn’t mean you’re destined to do it again.

‘Cheating is often tied to emotional dissatisfaction, boredom, insecurity, or seeking validation,’ she explains. ‘When it happens, some people are immediately flooded with guilt and panic. They realise the damage they’ve done and never do it again.’

But, it’s not the case for everyone.

‘It can be the start of a slippery slope,’ she says. ‘Some are wired to keep seeking attention, excitement, or new conquests.’

Emily says serial cheats will justify their actions by telling themselves they ‘couldn’t help it’ or that ‘everyone cheats’.

‘If someone keeps cheating despite knowing it’s hurting their partner, it’s usually because they prioritise their own desires over the relationship,’ the therapist, for Private Sugar Club, explains. ‘Some people thrive on the secrecy and excitement, while others lack impulse control or believe they won’t get caught.’

She adds that cheaters may also ‘feel trapped in the relationship but stay out of guilt, leading them to seek escape through infidelity rather than making the difficult decision to leave.’

‘Ultimately,’ says Emily, ‘it really depends on the person, their values, and whether they take responsibility for their actions.’

This story was originally published on March 7, 2025.

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Perched on the banks of the River Wye you’ll find the sleepy city of Hereford, home to famous beef cows and the largest surviving medieval map of the world.

But a map isn’t the only thing that’s large here: new research shows Hereford locals also buy the biggest dildos of anywhere in the country.

Thrusting its way to the number one spot on Lovehoney’s 2025 UK sex map, the average dildo purchased by residents here is 7.13 inches long.

In comparison, that’s roughly the length of a standard pencil, manual toothbrush, or mid-sized banana.

But Hereford isn’t the only dark horse when it comes to dildo preferences.

Coming just behind, Jersey took second place, with the average sex toy purchased here measuring up at 7.11 inches in length.

Inverness locals buy dildos measuring 7.10 inches, placing the Scottish town third, while Twickenham averages 7.09 inches.

Finishing out the top five most size-obsessed is Hemel Hempstead, where shoppers hop on more than just its magic roundabout with an average dildo size of 7.07 inches.

Doncaster, Wigan, Peterborough, Halifax, Norwich and Darlington also enjoy members above seven inches in length, with historic Salisbury (ranked 12th) being the first to prefer toys in the six inch range – 6.99 inches to be exact.

Sex toys have a long, satisfying history of their own to: the first dildo was discovered in a German cave, thought to have been used by people during the Ice Age, 28,000 years ago.

Egyptian paintings also show women wearing large phallic objects around their waists to pay tribute to the god Osiris. And after the first strap-on came Queen Cleopatra in 50 BCE, who allegedly filled a hollow gourd with buzzing bees, thus creating the first vibrator!

But not every UK postcode thinks size matters, and it’s important to keep things in perspective, because the average penis size in the UK is 5.63 inches, while erect.

That may seem on the small side if you’re comparing to porn actors’ bodies, but it’s a rise (sorry) of 8.9% in length in two years, placing Britain eighth in the global rankings for penis growth. For overall size, meanwhile, the UK ranks 60th in the world.

And preferring a more realistic feel, it turns out five-inch dildos are actually the most popular size in 82 cities across the country, with Birmingham buying more than anywhere else.

Lincoln locals are also on the naughty list, buying the most six-inch dildos than anywhere else, while Bristolians order the most 6.5 inch members.

Overall though, Lovehoney’s raunchiest region is down south.

The clear winner in terms of amount of sex toys bought per person was east central London, so if you’re wondering why people in the likes of Islington, Camden and Westminster look especially happy, that’ll be why.

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For many long-term couples, talking about marriage and children is a natural next step. But what happens when one person wants it more than the other?

In this week’s Sex Column, we hear from a reader who feels like she’s wasted the best years of her life with a man who’s not ready to settle down. 

Now in her early 30s, she’s watching as her friends begin to start families, and is ‘desperate’ for the same commitment. However, after seven years together, it’s becoming clear her boyfriend isn’t ready. 

Read the advice below, but before you go, don’t forget to read last week’s column about a man who no longer finds his wife attractive – and instead, is longing for her friend.

The problem:

I’m in my early 30s, have lived with my partner for seven years and am desperate to get married and have a baby. And yet after all this time, I’m no nearer to getting that sort of commitment from him than I was when we met.

I always used to think that by this age, I’d be happily settled into family life – especially as I’ve never had any trouble getting men.

I used to model in my teens and early 20s, and have been stopped in the street by guys who wanted my number. But now I look in the mirror and I don’t see that pretty girl staring back at me.

I feel like I’ve given my best years to my boyfriend, and yet I have nothing to show for it. Not even an engagement ring.

I find it so hard to be pleased for my friends when they announce their pregnancy – a couple of them, for the second or third time. Some have been married for nearly ten years, while I’m still waiting.

I don’t want to make my boyfriend sound too awful – we do have a nice life, enjoy the same things and sex is as good as it was when we got together. But overshadowing everything, is his reluctance to make that final commitment.

I’ve confided in a couple of close friends who think I should just give up and start again, but I’m terrified to leave my partner at this stage in my life.

The advice:

I understand completely your desire to marry and have children, but does your boyfriend? You don’t mention anywhere in your email that you’ve discussed your feelings with him, and skirting round the issue won’t help.

Fear of commitment is more common in men than women, but you’ve given him plenty of time to enjoy the free and easy life. After all these years it’s natural to want more, but you must spell out how much this means to you.

He obviously doesn’t see marriage and children in the way that you do, and that’s fine – he’s absolutely entitled to have his own point of view. While we don’t all see the world in the same way (and nor should we) this is something so important to you, it can’t be avoided any longer.

Prioritise your stresses. Marriage can happen at any time, so put that to one side, but having a baby is more time critical. Don’t be afraid to bring up the subject – find out what he really thinks. Does he want children? If he isn’t bothered or is even against the idea, you need to know now and not in five years’ time.

Tell him that you’re not prepared to drift on like this, and be specific about what you really want. Remember that your needs are as important as his, and if he shares your vision for the future, all will be well. If he doesn’t, then you must ask yourself whether your relationship is really strong enough to survive long-term anyway.

There’s still plenty of time to start again, but don’t keep putting it off and off. I know it will require enormous strength to walk away from him, yet for your own sake, that’s what you might have to do. 

Laura is a counsellor and columnist.

Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk.

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‘Is it OK if I follow up with a phone call to see how you’re enjoying our service?’

In most scenarios, this is a pretty standard question to be asked by the person setting up your internet.

But then, the operator – let’s call him Max – follows up with three words that change everything.

‘Perhaps, after hours?’

Max and I have spent the better part of an hour shamelessly flirting with each other while organising my new broadband.

He has the gift of the gab, that’s for sure – but there is also something intriguing about his voice.

It is sultry and deep, sending a shiver down my spine – and the banter was in full swing within minutes.

Max tried to stick to his sales pitch but it was no use – we were both distracted by our connection, which could be felt even through the phone.

Since he was the one working, though, I let him take the lead.

I knew the conversation was being recorded and I didn’t want to get him in trouble, so we kept our conversation appropriate – but only just.

Every word – like how my ‘needs’ could be met by this internet – was dripping with innuendo.

I casually dropped into conversation that I was single, then he did the same.

Max did his job – I signed up to the new broadband contract – but once this was done, he got down to the real business at hand.

‘I’d be more than happy to hear from you again,’ I replied and hung up the phone.

A week later, after texting each other back and forth, as well as sharing photos to show what the other person looked like, I was on a night out with mates when he asked if I wanted to come meet him for a drink at his local.

Max was just as sexy in person as his voice suggested but it became evident very quickly that our attraction was purely physical.

To cut a long story short: We didn’t fall in love, but we did have sex – on a picnic table, of all places.

He lived with his parents and I couldn’t be bothered to bring him back to mine – so we just popped into the park next door.

It was cold, quick and dirty. We didn’t meet up again. But even as I stood at the bus stop at midnight, waiting for my ride home, I had no regrets.

This happened a long time ago but I still laugh about it with my mates to this day.

I’ve never been one to look a gift horse in the mouth so when the universe delivers opportunity my way, I tend to say yes – regardless if it’s romance or just the potential of a good shag.

But the thing about adventure is that you need to be open to it.

If recent statistics are anything to go by, a lot of Brits are suffering from ‘dating burnout’ – often linked to the rise in online dating and apps – which also affects our sex lives.

These days, most of us meet someone in one of three ways: online, at work or through friends.

So it makes complete sense if you’re finding it difficult to make spontaneous connections.

But if you allow yourself to step out of your comfort zone, fate will work its magic in the strangest of ways – and not just when you’re setting up your new broadband.

A few years back, I was on a date with someone I’d met on Tinder.

Jerry* and I went for drinks and he was a nice enough guy but honestly, I was bored.

The chat felt dry and a bit forced.

I was disappointed but not surprised – this was just one in a string of bad dates.

Hoping that things would turn around, I decided to persevere and went to order another drink for us at the bar while Jerry waited at our table.

Funnily enough, the pub we were in was hosting a speed dating event on the other side of the room.

Sitting at table three was a very handsome man who stood out from the bunch with his charming ginger beard.

Suddenly, we locked eyes.

He smiled, I did too – but neither of us was in a position to talk to the other at this point in time.

Lowering my voice, I asked the bartender for a pen and paper, scribbled down my number and asked if she could discreetly deliver the note to the hot stranger later that evening.

I also told her that I was currently on a date with someone else.

‘I’ve got your back,’ she replied.

Admittedly, it’s not very polite to give out your number while you’re on a date.

I was very careful so that Jerry wouldn’t notice and get hurt, but sometimes you have to roll with the punches.

The next night, I was sitting in a different pub with – you guessed it – the ginger stranger.

While he didn’t end up being ‘The One’, the experience of how we’d met was exhilarating.

He was a pretty great kisser, too.

Then there was the time I ended up sharing a taxi with a gorgeous Aussie after a night out at a casino; I’d hopped in a cab just outside, and he asked if we could split it.

His name was Bryan, he was a 25-year-old personal trainer and he thought I was sexy.

Twenty minutes later, when the taxi stopped outside his house, he asked if I’d like to join him for a nightcap (read: hot sex).

I said yes.

(Side note: I shared his address with a friend to stay safe).

Another time I had a month-long fling with a stranger who I used to run into on the Tube platform every day on my way to work.

We threw curious glances and smiles at each other each time but it took months until he – thankfully – worked up the courage to say hi.

He was a lovely guy but we ended up not being very well-suited.

My point is this, though: Spontaneous, mysterious and fantastic connections can still be found. You just have to be brave enough to look for them.

Taking a break from dating apps and going ‘offline’ to meet people might lessen any fatigue you’re feeling.

To be clear, I’m not saying that you should call up your local broadband provider for a quick shag or ride-share taxis everywhere. Those are just my experiences.

Start by simply looking up.

Sit in a social space of your choosing – a pub, museum, the local Starbucks – and if you see someone you find attractive, throw them a smile.

Pay attention to their body language and if they don’t seem interested, don’t push it.

But if they smile back, say hello. Who knows what might happen?

*Name has been changed

This article was originally published January 24, 2025

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

Share your views in the comments below.

Welcome to How I Do It, the series in which we give you a seven-day sneak peek into the sex life of a stranger.

This week we hear from Loretta*, a straight 53-year-old mum-of-two from Birmingham.

Four years ago, she divorced her husband of seven years after learning he’d been unfaithful – but admits the split also came as a relief, as their marriage had been dead in the water for years.

There was also another reason – her ex-husband had never given her an orgasm.

‘I wasn’t very sexual in my marriage,’ Loretta, who works as a health coach, tells Metro. ‘My partner went through the motions but he never bothered to make me finish.’

When she felt ready to start dating again, Loretta admits she had been nervous about getting intimate in her fifties.

But then she met Jim, 62, who transformed her sex life. ‘I was nervous he might just be after some fun, but he reassured me and gave me my first mind-blowing orgasm in years,’ she explains. ‘It’s important to him that I climax every time – Jim makes me feel like a 19-year-oldlittle sex kitten.’

Without further ado, here’s how Loretta got on this week…

The following sex diary is, as you might imagine, not safe for work.

Monday

I’ve been working at home all day, then Jim turns up around dinner time. We have a bite to eat and watch some TV, then I decide I want some playtime.

When Jim and I met at a Meetup.com singles event about a year ago, there was an instant attraction. I’d been avoiding online dating – it felt too much like a cattle at auction – but this event felt more organic. The host introduced me to him and we hit it off straight away.

We went for a few coffees, which were restrained but very sexually charged. Then after a month, we finally slept together, and we’ve been serious about each other ever since. That first mind-blowing orgasm liberated me, and woke up my sex drive.

Tonight, I look at him with a wicked smile on my face, then flick a pen off the coffee table. Jim, a very neat and tidy man, knows what this means: I need punishing.

‘Over my knee, you bad girl,’ he says, with a glint. I obey and he pulls down my knickers and gives me a good spanking. It turns me on so much. We head to bed and have really intense sex. I come twice.

Our sex life is great because Jim loves being dominant and I love being submissive. It’s the best ying and yang. Outside the bedroom he’s the kindest, most helpful bloke you could meet.

I’ve raised two daughters who have now left home and I pretty much single-handedly run my own business, so being submissive is a relief in a life full of responsibility.

But our relationship is only possible because this dynamic exists alongside his empathy and warmth.

Tuesday

Today I have a few client calls online and hit the gym in the afternoon.

For about a month now Jim has had to cover some of the emergency callouts for his plumbing firm, which means he is out a lot during the night, three times a week.

I don’t like sharing him with his business in this way at all (I hate sleeping alone), but as tonight is a callout night for Jim, I watch TV and go to bed early with the crossword. Sex doesn’t really cross my mind when he’s not with me.

Wednesday

I go to a networking meeting this morning. There’s a relationship coach there advertising her sessions, and while some of us need to upgrade our blokes, I certainly don’t.

Jim and I always try to have Wednesday afternoons off and do something together. Today we go for a walk along an old aqueduct and have a late pub lunch.

We’re quite tired when we get back to his and neither of us have the energy to repeat Monday night, so we fall asleep early.

When we first got together we would stay with each other every night but we got comfortable and our sex life calmed down and got less frequent.

We’d been getting into a bit of a rut where we just didn’t have sex for say 10 days at a time. Since the callout nights, it’s back to a damn fine three times a week on average, I guess because our time is more precious.

Thursday

I’m an early riser so I get a couple of hours’ work in, then get back into bed while it’s still dark. It wakes Jim up and he quickly takes control, telling me off for giving him a hard on.

It’s a massive turn on for me, and he orders me to get on my knees before taking me from behind. I come once. Sometimes I do like the urgency of a quickie, it’s like he can’t resist me.

I think back to when I used to have sex with my husband, about twice a week – I don’t remember orgasming once. Sleeping with someone you don’t respect, but refusing to admit it, is no recipe for happiness in the bedroom.

It made me deeply unhappy and honestly, when my husband admitted he’d been unfaithful, I was relieved I had a reason to end it.

I couldn’t believe how good the sex was with Jim, right from the start. Instead of the manbaby I’d been married to, I hit the jackpot with a funny, kind, capable man – in every way. Who would have thought you could have the best sex of your life in your fifties?

This evening it’s callout night, so I’m alone and off to book group.

Friday

I work late today on calls to clients in America and I’m pretty tired and stressed by the time I collapse in front of the TV at 9pm. Jim is already there, watching endless YouTube videos about space.

He tells me about how his newly divorced sister wants to start dating, but she thinks nobody will want to be with her. We both agree this is insane. Neither me or Jim look like film stars, and we both need to lose weight, but I have a better sex life than my 25-year-old daughter (I’m lucky that we’re close, and she’s happy to talk to me about sex and relationships).

Meeting someone new grows your social circle and helps you make new connections, which could turn into something more. It’s about having fun, not trying to look half your age.

Later, we hit the hay early and drop off to sleep, far too exhausted to do anything else.

Saturday

Tonight is a proper date night with cinema and dinner out, before we hit the pub, which is pretty empty when we arrive.

I make the most of the almost-deserted space by lightly running my fingers up and down Jim’s crotch. Nothing too seedy – I don’t unzip his flies or anything, but he gets really hard really quickly.

It’s such a turn on to feel the response from doing hardly anything – less is most definitely more sometimes.

When we get home, he is Mr Dominant from the moment we get in the door, ordering me upstairs. I get a damn good spanking again for what I did in the pub, which is obviously delicious.

My ex and I never had playful sex because he wasn’t comfortable experimenting. But Jim and I love making up role play stories, like him chasing me naked around the moat of a medieval castle!

Sunday

I’ve always had this fantasy about Sundays: they should be about curling up in front of the fire with your man, where nooky would inevitably follow.

Today is nothing like that. Jim leaves at 7am on a callout and I have a funeral tomorrow, so I spend most of the day in my office working to make up the time ahead.

I’m in a foul mood by teatime and I’m just spoiling for a fight. I message Jim telling him he’ll have a better evening in the pub with his mates, but he misses the text and turns up anyway.

He can sense I’m in top bitch mode though, so he makes a quick exit for the pub. I appreciate that he knows when to give me space – he’s a wise fella.

Despite my mood this evening I can’t help but think how lucky I am to have found Jim. My marriage compared to my new relationship, is like night and day.

I thought my libido was dead as a dodo, but actually I was just with the wrong person. Finding a partner that I respect, who makes me feel fun and sexy, was all I needed to reignite my sex drive.

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I’d been stripping for twelve years when it felt like time for a career change. I didn’t want to become a joke, lugging my tired old tits out of my basque decade after decade.

I’d heard the sneers when some of the older women danced: ‘Brought your granny along for a day out, have you?’ Women who, I now realised, were barely older than me. I didn’t fancy becoming a comedy turn, not just yet.

Aged 30, I had a degree, but much good that would do me with a blank CV and no skills to mention. I started applying for random jobs, lying brazenly on every application form: I didn’t get anywhere, and didn’t fancy any of them anyway.

Something had to change, and fast — but I didn’t have a clue how to do anything else.

As a single mum to a six-year-old son, I realised how extraordinarily lucky I’d been to have had a job that involved my leaving the house only one evening a week, which still paid all the bills.

Luckily, The Stage newspaper provided the answer. In the classifieds at the back I saw an advertisement calling for spanking models, no experience necessary.

It seemed innocent, and required a lot less nudity than my current career,so I sent off some pictures and was booked for a £200 shoot the following week. 

It was a small, budget operation, we spent the first hour taking photos of me being spanked by a woman called Cara. Not hard: just enough to show the impact on my flesh and I soon discovered there’s a knack to taking a spanking.

Think of the heat as something pleasant, like a tropical sun beating down on your glistening buttocks. Use your breathing too, like midwives teach you.

Over lunch Cara told me she also worked as a dominatrix, making money from bringing someone else’s fantasy alive. It sounded enticing, and well-paid. She had two daughters at boarding school, a huge detached pile and a Range Rover on the drive: that was me sold.

On the drive home, bottom throbbing, brain buzzing, I decided to swap my g-string for a riding crop.

I set up a profile on In The Corner, a site devoted to domestic spanking. My advertisement was simple: elegant, educated disciplinarian seeks like-minded individuals to train, and, where necessary, punish.

Five minutes after it went live, my inbox was flooded. By making myself so mysterious I’d inadvertently piqued their interest all the more.

I was asked so many questions I didn’t have the answers to. Have you always been into spanking? What will you do to me? How hard can you cane? What will you do if you find me wearing frilly knickers or getting an erection?

I bluffed as much as I dared, taking a strict, threatening tone at first but this proved exhausting, so I tried my usual friendly self instead.

They responded to this better, but the problem was I wasn’t getting much closer to making any actual money. They loved the chat but were way less keen to talk cash.

I planned to charge £100 an hour, which seemed pretty average. Finally, I got a sensible email from a John (they are, by and large, all called John, or Peter), who fancied being my first, and had a date in mind.

Suddenly, this was happening. A real life pervert knew where I lived, and planned to visit next week. Could I really do this?

I knew the first one would be a bit traumatic and weird, but no worse than the first time you rip your knickers off in a club… So I ordered a cane.

It came discreetly wrapped in a poster tube. Excited, I ripped it open and gave myself a few practice swots on the hands and thighs – jeez, it hurt, but that was splendid: that’s what they were paying for.

Then I placed a cushion on a chair and practiced whacking. I learned to line up the implement and give a few practice taps in the right place first, like a golfer, before properly letting rip: to bend the knees, swing from the hips, raise the beast high above my shoulder, then bring it down without breaking the light fittings. At least, I did after a few goes.

I was so nervous when John finally turned up at 6pm a couple of days later. I liked the sound of him and felt confident he wasn’t a psychopath, yet I still had my mother hiding in my bedroom with a baseball bat, just in case. 

He was slightly shy and chubby, with a long brown fringe, through which he peered at me anxiously as he came through the door. Sensing my nerves, John very quickly set me at ease, as it turned out he was an old hand who had seen everyone and done it all, several times over.

In his seventies, just recovering from some scary operation with the whole of his torso tattooed with a jagged purple scar, he spent most of his hour giving me a tutorial on what tools and implements I desperately needed, the positions most often requested, the idiots best avoided – and he paid me for the privilege!

John let me practise my few pathetic implements on his backside, coaching throughout. ‘Bit to the left. Avoid the whip round. Accuracy before intensity. That’s it! Now try again, but harder…’ I couldn’t have been more thankful.

Over the course of the next three months I gained more clients and experience. I was soon getting bookings for five sessions a week, earning over £2,500 a month – plenty to cover my mortgage in 2006. It was exhilarating to cane someone for cash and lots of them stayed on as clients.

My lovely John came to visit me every six months or so after his first session. He liked to go to parties and be spanked by lots of different women, so I couldn’t expect to monopolise his playtime.

I always looked forward to his visits. He was full of ideas for how to keep our sessions interesting, suggesting new and different role plays and positions, ideas gleaned from his obsessively seeking out different spanking experiences.

‘Caning should be available on the NHS,’ he would say. ‘Coming to see you does me more good than any medicine!’

About three years after we met, his emails stopped, and I heard my worst fears confirmed on the spanking grapevine: life had called time on John’s escapades. 

I’ll forever be grateful to him.

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Getting older means, inevitably, our looks change. We might gain – or lose – weight, change hairstyles or switch up our wardrobes.

But this week, we hear from a reader who says that, after 30 years of marriage, he no longer finds his wife attractive.

While he doesn’t want to leave his marriage, his wife’s friend is turning his head, and he’s left wondering: is an affair the answer?

Read the advice below, but before you go, don’t forget to read last week’s column about a single mum who is struggling to find a lasting relationship.

The problem:

I’ve been married for over 30 years to a woman I met in my teens, and have an adult daughter who lives in Australia.

My wife and I used to have a good sex life, but for the last few years, I’ve found it increasingly hard to fancy her. It probably sounds horrible and sexist, but she just doesn’t really turn me on any more. She rarely wears makeup and makes little effort with her hair or clothes unless we’re going out.

She has a friend who is divorced with no children, and we’ve socialised a lot with this woman over the years. I guess because she’s on her own, she has always tried to stay young and attractive, and I find myself fancying her more and more.

I think the feeling is mutual because when we’re out in a group, she flirts with me a lot when my partner isn’t looking. It’s got to the point where, even if I do make love to my wife, I just fantasise that I’m with her friend.

I think about the practical implications of divorcing, like what would happen to the house, whose side our friends would take, and so on. I’m not 100% sure if I want to break up the marriage, but I’m seriously thinking about having an affair with this woman.

In the last year, I’ve lost both my parents, which has made me realise that life is too short to mess about. I can’t bear to think that at 54, my life feels like it’s over when I know passion and excitement are within reach.

The advice:

It doesn’t sound as though you’ve done any more with this woman than just fantasise, but acting on the fantasy is another matter, and I wonder whether your feelings for her would survive if she were part of your everyday life.

You should never underestimate losing your parents, which has reminded you of your own mortality. You wouldn’t be the first person in your situation who suddenly behaved in a reckless and unexpected way. People take up extreme sports or throw in their jobs to go travelling, just because they feel they have to cram in lots of excitement while they can.

As you say, having an affair might satisfy your fantasies, but the ripple effect would change your life. And by the way, do you even know how this woman feels? Maybe she wouldn’t dream of taking things further than a mild flirtation; your partner is her friend, after all.

I think you need to have an honest talk with your wife about your feelings and let her talk about hers too. Maybe you’d both benefit from some pampering – she may have her own concerns about you.

Having an affair would be destructive and hurtful, so arrange some couples counselling and see whether your marriage can be revitalised.

If you end up feeling you have no future with your wife, then bite the bullet and go your own way before you do anything else.

Laura is a counsellor and columnist.

Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk.

Do you have a story to share?

Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.

Stumbling through the pathway by my house, I chuckled to myself as I recounted what I’d just done.

Minutes earlier, I was getting hot and heavy with a very attractive gentleman, Jonah*, up against a fence. I don’t mean gentle kissing – we’re talking full-on fondling with one of my legs wrapped around his waist.

I was cracking up because he was not the first man I locked lips with that day – he was actually the third. In fact, I’d shagged the other two, but decided against making it a trifecta.

On that fateful day around 15 years ago – when I was in my early 20s – I woke up in bed with a gorgeous hunk named Steve*, who had the kind of smile that melts butter.

We would hang in the same social circles but weren’t exactly close friends. The sex was definitely casual.

Steve left around 10am after we spent several hours together between the sheets. His visit was welcome, though unexpected – particularly as I had a date arranged with someone else for that day.

Gentleman number two, also known as Freddie*, and I had known each other for a while. We met up around 5pm for drinks and I had a feeling we might shag, but it wasn’t a given.

The sex was good but very spur of the moment. Afterwards, I went to meet a few friends for drinks at a local bar.

That’s where I ran into Jonah. I had seen him around town but we’d never spoken before.

We ended up walking home together and well, you know the rest. Things nearly escalated to sex but given we were in public – and the fact that I was already a bit shagged out (literally) from my previous bedroom activities – I decided against it. 

I was still laughing as I walked through my front door, partly because I felt like the cat who got the cream and partly because I couldn’t quite believe my own actions.

However, I was surprised when, the next morning, I woke up feeling quite unlike myself.

I went to bed empowered, yet awoke feeling a little embarrassed.

Despite knowing that my actions the previous day hurt no one, and left me – and my sexual partners – feeling good, the familiar feeling of internalised misogyny began gnawing at me.

At this time in my life, I was studying abroad in a sunny town popular with backpackers. So most of my weekends were spent partying with friends and casual sex was pretty common in our crowd. 

We were young and horny – and the hot weather only made our feelings more intense. Having always been a sex-positive woman who believes every person has the right to enjoy their body to the fullest, I was determined to have as much fun as I damn well pleased.

So these feelings of shame were completely at odds with the proudly hedonistic lifestyle I was leading.

Later that day, I was retelling the story to a friend over drinks when a nagging feeling bubbled up inside of me. She didn’t say anything nasty – in fact, she mostly laughed and told me the whole thing was brilliant – and yet, I felt a tad uncomfortable.

Maybe I imagined it but I thought I saw a hint of silent judgement in her eyes. Thinking back, if I am truly honest with myself, I think that judgement came from within myself.

I was not ashamed of what I did, nor did I regret it. I still don’t.

But ingrained misogyny is hard to fight. Sometimes, it creeps back up just to make you feel bad about yourself.

After all, society has been telling women that we should be ladylike, proper and well-mannered ever since the day Eve supposedly bit the apple. 

And I’ve been called enough names over the years to know that a woman admitting to shagging two men within 24 hours will irk some people.

But ask yourself, would you care as much if I were a man? Probably not.

Even though I know I did nothing wrong, I would be lying if I said this experience of dealing with internalised misogyny didn’t shape some of my future sexual encounters. 

A few years ago, I was dating three men at the same time.

I didn’t keep anyone in the dark. I was very open about the fact that I was ‘playing the field’ and they were fine with it.

Though, once my relationship with one of them turned sexual, I ended it with the others. 

All my interactions with them had been respectful, and if I’d had sex with more than one of them, it would likely have been fine considering how open our communication was, but cutting things off with the other two men put my mind at ease. 

Therein lies the lesson. You should always do what feels right to you.

Therein lies the lesson. You should always do what feels right to you.

When I reflect on my time sleeping with Steve and Freddie, I can now see that I have nothing to be ashamed of. During that point in my life, my choices were completely appropriate. In fact, had I not slept with them, I might have regretted it! 

The whole experience taught me to never let anyone else’s opinions or society’s outdated views trump my own feelings. 

That being said, if you are going to have sex with multiple lovers, there are three things to keep in mind.

Firstly, you must be honest with everyone involved. 

Secondly, stay safe.

And finally, beware that you might have mixed emotions about your actions, like I did. The best advice I can give is to sit with your feelings for a while. 

Listen to yourself but silence other voices if they pop up in your head.

Remind yourself of this fundamental fact: You are the only person who gets to decide how many people you sleep with in one night, or during your lifetime.

*Names have been changed

This article was originally published February 7, 2025

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

Share your views in the comments below.

‘I’ve been in eight serious relationships and engaged twice,’ Danielle*, 38, tells Metro. ‘But I’ve cheated on all of them apart from one.’

Despite being with her fiancé for two years, Danielle says she always finds herself sliding back into her first love’s bed – the only man she’s ever stayed faithful to – even if she vows that this time things will be different.

Now, she’s due to wed at the end of the year, and her husband-to-be has no idea that she’s been playing away throughout their entire relationship.

We’ve all heard the phrase ‘once a cheat, always a cheat’, and this week, infidelity has been all over the headlines.

Footage emerged of married I’m A Celeb winner, Danny Jones, which appeared to capture him ‘kissing’ Love Islander Maura Higgins.

It’s reportedly not the first time Danny has strayed either; the McFly singer was dating model Laura Coleman in 2009 when he met – and allegedly kissed – his now-wife, Georgia Horsley.

When it comes to repeat offending he’s not alone, as 41% of women and 49% of men in the UK admit to being serial cheats. And Danielle says that part of the reason why she does it, is because after cheating once, the habit gets normalised.

‘No one would ever suspect me’

‘The first time I ever cheated was on my university boyfriend.’ Danielle tells Metro.

‘We’d been dating for two months when he went away one weekend, and my ex asked me to meet him at the pub. I was still hung up on him, so I went.

‘I can’t blame the drink, but we nipped back to mine and did the deed. I think it was the thrill of doing something bad and getting away with it. But we vowed never to tell anyone.’

For the rest of her two-year long relationship, Danielle snuck off to have sex with her ex once a week, and also began sleeping with her housemate, admitting it became easy to give into ‘the spur of the moment desire for sex’.

‘There was one occasion when my boyfriend was asleep in my bed, so I went into my housemate’s room, had sex with him, and then got back into bed with my partner,’ she says.

‘I know it sounds evil and I did think, “you absolute b**ch”, but my cheating snowballed from there.’

Danielle, who admits to having a high sex drive, says that often, her cheating begins after an argument. ‘I’m reactive, and when someone hurts me, I want to hurt them back,’ she explains.

This was the case with her fiancé, who she met in 2023 at a party.

‘When we first started dating I thought: “No, I’m not going to cheat”. He knew I’d cheated in the past, but not the full extent,’ she recalls.

‘I really did try hard not to. But then one day we had an argument and he called me a sl*g, so I joined IllicitEncounters.

‘Two days later I shagged a married man in the back of his wife’s Range Rover in a pub car park.’

Danielle began to get in the habit of going elsewhere for sex, and admits she continues to enjoy the thrill of cheating,

While she has never confessed to her fiancé, because she doesn’t ‘want to see anyone hurt’, she says she does feel bad for the wives and girlfriends of the men she has sex with.

‘I do feel guilty, but I also think think most people would cheat if they knew they would never get caught.’

She adds that she thinks her cheating would come as a surprise to people that know her, commenting: ‘I’m quite genuine, soft and sweet, and I don’t think people would think I’d do that.’

To keep up her double life, everything on Danielle’s phone is password protected and hidden in folders, and she doesn’t share her location with her partner.

‘I’ve only been found out twice,’ she says. ‘One boyfriend had a friend follow me when I was with another man. And my most recent ex found out when I became pregnant – he was out of the country when I conceived. I had a miscarriage and left him month later.’

Despite the occasional twinge of guilt, Danielle insists she has no desire to change her ways.

‘I really do love my fiancé, but I’m getting married because it’s something he really wants. I’ve never wanted to tie the knot, but it’s important to him,’ she says.

Danielle also sees her cheating as way to protect her relationship. ‘If someone else was telling me they did what I do, I’d think “God, you’re awful”. But I think it takes a very brave person to be with someone forever and not cheat,’ she adds.

‘I’ve seen those relationships become sexless and unhappy, and I don’t want that for myself. So, I’ll continue to cheat.’

‘I realised I could have my cake and eat it too’

Alicia*, from Nottingham, agrees that cheating is easier after you’ve done it once. The teacher has been with her boyfriend, who she met at school, for three years when she went behind his back for the first time.

32-year-old Alicia tells Metro: ‘I went to Egypt with a friend and met an English guy out there, who happened to be from my hometown.

‘The chemistry was there immediately, but at the time, I didn’t even consider that something would happen.’

However, back home, the pair continued to meet up, and Alicia says that even though it was in group settings,’there was no denying there was a spark.’

‘We’d always gravitate towards each other, and it was clear the feeling was mutual,’ she adds. ‘Then, one night, we finally kissed.’

At first, Alicia ‘felt awful’, and told herself it was a one-time mistake.

‘But the thing about cheating, is that once you’ve crossed that boundary, there’s no going back,’ she says. ‘I guess I realised I could have my cake and eat it too.’

Alicia began sleeping with her holiday romance regularly, all behind her boyfriend’s back.

‘I remember there was one day, where I slept with them both,’ she remembers. ‘It sounds shocking, but I was so far into it by then, it didn’t feel like a big deal.

‘There was one occasion when my boyfriend saw the other guy’s watch on my bedside table. I somehow managed to think on my feet and make up a lie. I said one of my friends had been round, and it was her boyfriend’s.’

After three months, Alicia moved away and the affair ended. When she revealed all to her boyfriend, he dumped her – but they kept in touch and about two months later, got back together.

‘I mainly agreed to start things up again because I felt bad,’ she says. ‘The problem was, cheating changed everything. Once I knew I could have those feelings for someone else, the relationship with my boyfriend just wasn’t the same.

‘We were long-distance, and I met a guy at work. He wasn’t my usual type, but had charisma with a capital ‘C’. And of course, the fact that I couldn’t have him made me want him even more.

‘I tried really hard not to do anything, but I was like a moth to a flame, and soon I was straying again.

‘In a way it’s ironic, because I was so consumed with guilt from cheating the first time, that I stayed with my then-boyfriend because I didn’t want to hurt him. But being in an unfulfilling relationship only led to me cheating even more.’

The relationship finally broke down a few years later.

Alicia says: ‘Funnily enough, he dumped me. He never knew about my serial cheating, but I think he knew he deserved more.

‘I’ve been in another relationship since, and I didn’t cheat. So maybe the spell is finally broken.’

‘It’s a pattern of self-sabotage’

These stories might feel bleak, but Dr Emily May tells Metro that just because you’ve strayed once, it doesn’t mean you’re destined to do it again.

‘Cheating is often tied to emotional dissatisfaction, boredom, insecurity, or seeking validation,’ she explains. ‘When it happens, some people are immediately flooded with guilt and panic. They realise the damage they’ve done and never do it again.’

But, it’s not the case for everyone.

‘It can be the start of a slippery slope,’ she says. ‘Some are wired to keep seeking attention, excitement, or new conquests.’

Emily says serial cheats will justify their actions by telling themselves they ‘couldn’t help it’ or that ‘everyone cheats’.

‘If someone keeps cheating despite knowing it’s hurting their partner, it’s usually because they prioritise their own desires over the relationship,’ the therapist, for Private Sugar Club, explains. ‘Some people thrive on the secrecy and excitement, while others lack impulse control or believe they won’t get caught.’

She adds that cheaters may also ‘feel trapped in the relationship but stay out of guilt, leading them to seek escape through infidelity rather than making the difficult decision to leave.’

‘Ultimately,’ says Emily, ‘it really depends on the person, their values, and whether they take responsibility for their actions.’

Do you have a story to share?

Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.

‘It really sucks to be an ugly woman when beauty is the one characteristic that society expects the most,’ says Blake*.

At nearly 25 years old, she’s never been kissed, never been on a date and has certainly never had a boyfriend — which she puts entirely down to her looks.

Explaining her issue on Reddit, she writes: ‘When I say ugly, I mean actually ugly. I mean bad face structures that only surgery might fix-ugly.

‘[It] sucks so much. No one gives me a chance to “prove” my worth, they just dismiss me the instant they see me. I’m a decent person with a decent personality and I’d make a decent partner, but those qualities seem to be useless without good looks.’

The young woman describes herself as intelligent, kind, empathetic, witty,and well-educated. Yet in spite of all this, she’s never been asked out.

‘Guys just look at me and go “no”, and then that door is closed,’ she adds. ‘And yes, I’ve tried doing the asking, and I’ve gotten rejected every time’.

Some offered advice like keeping fit and dressing well, but Blake says she already does these things, commenting: ‘There’s literally nothing more I can change.’

And she’s not the only one to feel like she doesn’t meet societal standards of beauty. In fact, a recent YouGov study found a fifth of Brits consider themselves to be ‘below average’ in the looks department, scoring themselves a zero to four out of 10.

For therapist Laura Duester, of the Counselling Directory, it’s no surprise that Blake lacks confidence and feels undesirable, as she’s caught in a ‘vicious cycle’.

Laura tells Metro: ‘Our self-beliefs shape our behaviours, often creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Where we have negative self-perceptions, these can lead to defensive or self-sabotaging behaviours which reinforce the negative self-belief.

‘For example, if you think you’re unattractive, you may avoid eye contact or act disinterested in social situations, which will make others less likely to warm to you and therefore reinforce your belief about being unattractive.’

The therapist explains that if you believe you’re valuable and attractive (regardless of your physical appearance), then you’ll likely be more confident and have a warmer response from others.

Pretty privilege

Blake’s struggles aren’t exclusively in the dating world either, as she claims she feels ‘invisible’ in all aspects of life.

‘In group settings, people don’t even look at me when talking because apparently I’m too discomfiting to behold,’ she says. ‘Even my supervisor chooses to talk primarily to my more attractive classmate when speaking to us both, despite me being engaged in the conversations.

‘I ask a question, and it’s answered as if someone else presented it. It’s like I don’t even exist. My own best friend has now ditched me to simp on someone with a very similar personality but better looks.’

Laura argues that this can be a result of ‘media images which promote unrealistic standards and expectations’, which ‘can lead to our own feelings of failure’ if we don’t meet them’

Not only that, it can create ‘unrealistic expectations about a partner’s appearance.’

This is all part of pretty privilege, the phenomenon where things come easier to those who are considered conventionally attractive, while those who are less attractive are largely ignored in society.

On TikTok, #prettyprivilege has hit more than 250 million views, with countless videos from people sharing their own experiences, including @heyitsmaryalice who said she was shocked to realise people only held doors open for her after she had a ‘glow up.’

And counsellor Laura agrees that this experience is all too real.

‘Pretty privilege reflects the unconscious biases that affect our day to day interactions,’ she says.

‘We’re bombarded by messages that tell us beauty is synonymous with success, equating attractiveness with confidence, health, wealth and happiness. Films, adverts and social media consistently underpin these biases, reinforcing the unconscious belief that being physically attractive makes someone “better” and more valuable.’

Ultimately, whether you feel invisible or objectified, we’re all bound by the same superficial laws of what society deems attractive.

The dating double standard

Blake also feels she’s fallen victim to a double standard between men and women, writing: ‘Before any of you go “it sucks to be an ugly guy too”, yeah I’m sure it sucks and that you guys face similar problems, but honestly, how many of you know of ugly women finding hot boyfriends?

‘Personally I can’t think of a single case, but the opposite exists in abundance. It’s of my opinion that women do give men with nice personalities a chance, but the opposite happens very rarely.’

If you’re rolling your eyes, just wait a minute, because she does have a point as far as statistics are concerned.

‘Men may place a higher emphasis on physical attractiveness than women do, and this could be down to biology and evolution,’ Naomi Magnus, a psychotherapist at her clinic North London Therapy, tells Metro. ‘Men might be more visually oriented when it comes to attraction, influenced by societal standards that prioritise youth and beauty.’

This is backed up by research which shows men are more likely to say a potential partner’s body type matters to them in terms of attractiveness (74%) compared to women (57%) – although 90% of people, regardless of gender, say they’d rather be with someone who has a ‘dad bod’ and a great personality than a model with a dull personality.

Essentially, looks are never going to be the be-all and end-all – as much as society wants you to believe otherwise. And therapist Laura agrees.

‘Attraction often plays a role in relationships, but this doesn’t just encompass physical appearance – attraction is shaped by many factors including personality, intelligence, emotional connection and shared values,’ she says.

‘Confidence, sense of humour, kindness and authenticity also often make someone seem more attractive, and these are qualities that can be practised and cultivated.’

Laura thinks Blake could benefit from focusing on nurturing an emotional connection first instead.

She advises: ‘Ask open-ended questions to learn about the other person’s values and experiences, and then listen actively and show curiosity and empathy about their answers.

‘Having an activity date (such as going bowling or to an art class) also helps people bond over shared experiences. It shifts the focus away from physical attraction, encouraging a less pressured and less appearance-focused interaction.’

Highlighting the importance of ‘self-compassion’ and recognising strengths, Laura suggests Blake a daily list of the positive achievements she’s had that day, as well as surrounding herself with friends and family who celebrate her.

Do you have a story to share?

Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.

When picking your wedding date there’s a lot to consider, like bad-weather contingency plans or a more cost-effective mid-week ceremony.

But one Aussie bride, Alyssa Jane, caused a stir when she shared her controversial tip for picking the right day to tie the knot.

It’s simple: plan your wedding day for when you’re ovulating.

In her TikTok video Alyssa explains: ‘My skin’s not fantastic but compared to what it is when I’m on my period, it’s gloriously shiny. You know what else is good? My boobs. My boobs get bigger when I’m ovulating.

‘You know what else is good? My sex drive. My sex drive increases when I’m ovulating – great for the night of the wedding. You also don’t have a period.

‘Plan your wedding day for when you’re ovulating!’

Ovulation is the point in the female menstrual cycle where the ovaries release an egg, which is usually about 10 to 16 days before the next period.

This can give menstruators a radiant complexion sometimes referred to as the ‘ovulation glow’, and the hormonal changes can also make the breasts swell.

Some of the 700,000 viewers dubbed her wedding tip ‘genius’ and ‘brilliant advice’ when it comes to looking your best on the day you say your vows.

TikToker @Ambere98 wrote: ‘This is the best advice that anyone has ever told me about weddings.’

‘Me rushing to my Flo app to check my wedding date and my cycle hahah,’ added @Rahni.

And, science backs up Alyssa’s comments.

Speaking previously to Metro, Dr Ashfaq Khan, consultant obstetrician and gynaecologist at Harley Street Gynaecology explains that an increase in oestrogen during ovulation makes for surprising results.

‘Some of the effects of oestrogen can include increased blood flow to the skin, which can result in a healthier and more vibrant complexion,’ explains Dr Ashfaq.

‘Additionally, oestrogen can influence facial symmetry and certain physical features associated with attractiveness, such as facial proportions and waist-to-hip ratio.’

He also adds that this hormonal spike can make you feel better too: ‘It can contribute to higher energy levels, improved mood, and a more generally positive outlook.

‘Feeling more energised and upbeat during this phase may positively impact body image, as individuals may feel more confident and satisfied with their appearance,’ he explains.

But others were quick to point out a pretty big catch when it came to Alyssa’s plan – you’re more likely to get pregnant.

If you have a regular 28-day cycle, according to the NHS you’ll be the most fertile around day 14 of your menstrual cycle – when you ovulate.

If you’re trying for a baby that’s great news, but if you’re not looking to conceive on your wedding night or honeymoon – you might want to take extra precautions.

TikToker Andrea wrote: ‘I planned it around ovulation and got pregnant on my wedding night,’ while commenter Emily shared: ‘I got pregnant with twins on my honeymoon.’

Another said: ‘Hoping for a little wedding night baby are we?’

One TikToker @jamieee2460 joked: ‘Please stitch this video in nine months.’

Even if getting pregnant isn’t something you want to avoid, it’s worth knowing there are some side effects to ovulation too.

You could end up getting some ovulation pains which, according to the NHS, will feel dull or like sharp sudden twinges on one side of your tummy, depending on which ovary released the egg.

This can be eased by a warm bath or painkillers, but just make sure you follow the instructions on the back if you’re drinking on your big day.

Other symptoms include mood swings, feeling depressed or irritable, headaches, tiredness, bloating and breast tenderness. If you struggle with any of these, you might want to consider planning your wedding on a different date.

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Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.

In recent weeks, you’ve most likely witnessed a barrage of couples packing on the PDA or posting smug social media diatribes about ‘this one’.

And whether you’re single or in a relationship, the excessive (and somewhat vomit-inducing) romance-fest of the Valentine’s season may have made you feel a little inadequate.

But now that the month is over and the scratchy lingerie is consigned to the back to the drawer, it’s worth remembering that real, lasting love is a lot more complicated.

When you’ve been with someone for years, the excitement and passion comes alongside a number of mundane, petty or outright unpleasant moments — from dealing with each other’s rude relatives to unashamedly farting in front of each other.

So to try and show a more honest view of long-term relationships, we asked people about the realities they’ve learned once the ‘honeymoon period’ was over.

Nerys, 57, who’s been married for 36 years

‘When got married in the 90s, things were very different for women. I have always had to work full time but I was still expected to do all the domestic stuff and the majority of the parenting too. I resented that a lot at the time. I look back now and wonder how I ever managed to cope… I just had to. I couldn’t afford to leave!

‘Nowadays we have a great relationship and things are much more equal, but we had to go through a lot to get here.’

Tom, 30, who’s been with his girlfriend for four years

‘Your sex life will dwindle at some point. It doesn’t mean you don’t love the person you’re with as much as you did before, but the sex itself kind of gets old and repetitive.

‘If you can be okay with the struggles in this section of your life though, the bond between you two will hopefully become stronger. As I’ve got older sex itself really is not everything; it’s wonderful and beautiful don’t get me wrong, but it’s the company and support that will take you further than the “nookie” could ever do.’

Leila, 55, who’s been with her partner for 9 years and whose longest relationship lasted 16 years.

‘Being in love only gets you so far. Making it work requires honesty, kindness, caring, effort, companionship and respect. I also think sharing interests but not losing sight of your own interests and friends, and loving the person for who they are (not who you expect them to be) are hugely important.

‘Sometimes though, it’s realising that it doesn’t always work, and that getting out of an abusive relationship can be hard but worth it. It’s possible to love and be loved again.’

Karen, 56, who’s been married for 29 years

‘We have had to learn to accept our differences and work on things. The difference in the way we grew up has been interesting.

‘Due to work (army service) there were times when we apart for months, so writing old fashioned letters kept us in touch and helped us learn about each other.’

Duncan, 36, who’s been married for 17 years

‘Dark humour becomes a staple of a long term relationship – you have to feel safe and trusting to say whatever you want to one another. Insulting each other in a tongue in cheek way becomes almost a type of foreplay, whether that’s poking fun at receding hairlines and chin hairs or reminding each other of embarrassing moments that still live rent free. Pet names inevitably change from cringers like ‘babe’ to things a bit less kind but way more playful.

‘Rather than hiding flaws like in a new relationship, we wear them proudly so the other half can help us. I help my wife respond to social situations while she helps me deal with money and practical things.

‘You also develop a secret language for many occasions, particularly in forced social situations where you need someone to bitch with. And you will lose friends, and care less and less about the acquaintances that used to take up your time.

‘Life will get boring. Where initially, it’s all about passion, date nights and excitement, the most satisfying moments become picking out a new lamp for the living room or finding a quicker system to do the weekly shop. This is both depressing and wonderful all at once.

‘Sacrifice is necessary. You inevitably have to change your approach to your personal dreams to try and achieve joint ones. You will see your own friends less. You might have to give up a hobby and you will have to alternate where you go for Christmas and birthdays. All worth it though. Mostly. Maybe.

‘All that said, we never go to bed on a row and we tell each other we love each other every day – so we are a walking cliche both in year one and in year 17.’

Clare, 30, who’s been with her fiancé for nine years

‘Over the years you realise love is a choice as well as a feeling; you have to choose to prioritise that person and put the effort in, even on days when you have a million other things on your mind.

‘Especially nowadays where there are so many options, some people just move on when that initial “spark” fades, but (and I know this is a cliché) the grass is greenest where you water it. You know you’ve found the one if they still find you sexy after they’ve held your hair back when you’re throwing up, kept you company while you’re peeing, or helped you tweeze out your ingrown hairs.’

Fay, 31, who’s currently single but was with her last partner for four years

‘What I’ve learned about long-term love, and loving a mentally unwell person, is that no matter how much you try, you can’t will someone to health and happiness. Despite your efforts, the frustrations will embed within you and take its toll on you and your relationship, only adding a further burden on your partner.

‘But it’s okay to stop and decide to take care of yourself instead. Sometimes leaving is kinder – even when it’s the harder thing to do.’

Chelsea, 30, who’s been with her boyfriend for 14 months but whose longest relationship lasted 10 years

‘I have learnt that the longer the relationship, the more poor treatment we are willing to accept. Life happens and people cannot be perfect all the time, however I found my tolerance for what behaviour I would accept expanded, and not for the greater good. I let my ex partner cross boundaries that I would not have time for now and it made me question my own worth. It dulled my sparkle, made me lose myself, I didn’t know who I was as I lost myself way in life trying to wade through the bulls***.

‘On another note, it taught me many great lessons and wisdom that I can take into other relationships. If you let them, they can be like a parasite sucking the life out of you. They can also be the greatest blessing to have found your person, making you feel like you’re walking about with love hearts buzzing out of your head. I couldn’t imagine life without my current partner; my last relationship fell apart when it did, so that I could walk into this one at the exact time that I did.’

Rose, 33, who’s been with her partner for a year but whose longest relationship lasted 10 years

‘I’ve learned that being single is better than having to constantly work on it – and that when people say “marriage is work” they should be referring to work like making a sculpture or a painting, not work like 15 hours in a call centre.

‘A good partner will adapt to make you feel safe and secure. There is always an element of compromise and knowing absolutely everything about your partner’s inner workings is not the key to happiness.

‘I’d also recommend having a ‘f*** off fund’ and a planning for what your life would look like if they died or left. Don’t be afraid to start again.’

James, 41, who’s been with his partner for eight years

‘I believe there’s someone for everyone but don’t expect to be everything for them – make room for yours and their own interests and hobbies, and remember distance makes the heart grow fonder.

‘Through my long-term relationship, I’ve learned invaluable truths about myself, love and what it’s really like to find ‘your person’. Not a day goes by that I don’t consider myself the luckiest man alive. I’ve also realised the importance of showing up for one another in moments that really matter – sure, celebrating successes and offering comfort during difficult times are a no brainer, but checking in with regular one on ones too.

‘Being with my boyfriend has shown me what it truly means to feel secure and valued, and for the first time, I am allowed to be my true authentic self without fear of being shamed. When I look back to past relationships where this wasn’t the case, I can’t believe I stayed so long putting up with it.’

Dan, 31, who’s been with his girlfriend for four years

‘Arguments aren’t a bad thing; opening up and being really clear with communication is so important. Also, having space and separate hobbies to your partner is vital, as without that it’s easy to blend into one person.

‘As you get older, the worry about having different sexual partners isn’t there as much – if you really care about the person you’re with and are truly comfortable then only being with one person for the rest of your life is more of a relief. Being single, it was always difficult for me to commit to one person in fear of never sleeping with anyone else, but when you truly love someone you realise that happiness is a greater need than sex.’

Ellie, 27, who’s been with her boyfriend for five-and-a-half years

‘You’re always going to love each other, but sometimes, you’re not always going to like each other. I think the biggest myth we’re sold about long-term relationships is that we’re supposed to like each other and get on all the time. The truth is, your partner is going to get on your nerves sometimes – but that doesn’t mean that you love them any less. As long as you can still respect one another and communicate through it, that’s okay.

‘You’re not always going to hear what you want to hear from them, and you might not like it, but it’ll be good for you in the long-term. A little bit of brutal honesty (not hurtful, just a little bit more direct) can go a long way if you’re in the throes of an argument and you’re in need of a bit of valid (but kind) criticism. You’re also not going to agree on absolutely everything, but as long as you’ve got most of your world values down as broadly similar, that’s healthy.

‘While you’re still going to be spoiled and loved by your partner, romance will look a little different once you’re years into your relationship. I think that society still has this idea that romance is about big gestures like red roses and huge romantic dinners, but over time, I’ve found that the little gestures all add up to something even bigger and more valuable: a cup of tea in bed in the morning, asking you how you slept, taking on the dinner organisation even though it’s technically your turn to do it.

‘You’re also probably not going to be tearing each other’s clothes off multiple times a day anymore – or not as often, at least. And that’s okay!’

Steve, 40, who’s been with his partner for 11.5 years

‘Romance, passion and spontaneity spark things off, but it’s trust, space, tolerance, respect and the ability to find at least one long-running television show that you both like that keeps things going.’

Ali, 30, who’s been with his partner for seven years

‘Knowing somebody so intimately is pretty special and can only really happen with time. There’s also so much to be said for just feeling completely comfortable in your partner’s company – and again, this only gets better with time.

‘Of course you need the odd reminder not to take your relationship and partner for granted. We don’t go out as much as we used to for instance as we’re in a more settled stage of our lives. But knowing you’re both aware of this, and always making the most of date nights when they come round, is reassuring.’

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