Our families don’t approve of our relationship — secret phone sex keeps it alive

Welcome to How I Do It, the series in which we give you a seven-day sneak peek into the sex life of a stranger.

This week we hear from Asad*, an unemployed 28-year-old, currently living in Pakistan with his family.

He’s looking for work in the UK so he can join his girlfriend of four years, Jaya*, who is originally from India, but living in London and working for a magazine.

The pair met through Bumble and had their first date in the capital in 2021, while they were both working in the UK. Unfortunately because Asad’s company wouldn’t sponsor his visa, he had to leave and return to his family home, forcing the pair into a long distance relationship.

To keep their relationship intimate, they enjoy sex over Facetime. ‘My girlfriend calls me a video sex virgin,’ Asad jokes. ‘Before this relationship, I’d never had video sex but she’s taught me well.’

The couple can’t see each other in their home countries because Jaya, 26, is from an Indian Hindu family, and Asad is from a Pakistani Muslim background. Both have traditional families who wouldn’t accept them together.

So, they keep their relationship a secret and hope they can one day reunite in the UK.

Without further ado, here’s how Asad got on this week…

The following sex diary is, as you might imagine, not safe for work.

Monday

I’ve woken up late today but I take a shower and then spend my time applying for communications officer jobs in the UK. I do this for a few hours before eating dinner.

The difference in time zones between Pakistan and the UK is irritating because Jaya and I like to have phone sex. We have to do this at 12am Pakistan time and 7pm UK time, when my parents are asleep.

I lock my bedroom door to make sure no one comes in, and to be extra careful, I go inside my en-suite bathroom so no one can hear me. Pakistani households are very intrusive.

We video call and try some role play: I’m the prisoner and she’s the police officer who is going to do things to me I can’t even dream of.

There is a certain dominance in it which I love. She orders me to get on the ground and put my hands behind back, before having me roll over, stroke my penis and masturbate.

This goes on for two hours. It feels amazing, and I wish time would stop so I could enjoy it for longer. I don’t find phone sex an awkward experience at all – it’s definitely going to be worth feeling tired tomorrow.

Tuesday

It’s 8am and I’m glad that I’ve woken up on time. Again, I sit down and apply for jobs, but I open up my emails and just see countless rejections. It’s so demotivating.

At 12pm Jaya messages that she’s awake. We reassure each other that we just need one yes, and that’s what keeps us going.

Because of the time difference we usually just message on Whatsapp throughout the day. We both miss each other terribly – the last time we were physically together was December 2023 – we went to Kings Cross station and I had to take the train to Heathrow alone.

At last it’s midnight and I get to video call her again. The internet connection in Pakistan is terrible, so our calls keep getting disrupted. We tell each other we miss each other and we talk about how our parents will react to our relationship when we decide to tell them.

We’re both looking forward to seeing each other again, but we just don’t know when that will be, and we pray there will be a way for us to reconnect.

It’s been a pretty depressing day, so I turn the light out and go to sleep.

Wednesday

I wake up at 11am and I know I’m sleeping in because I feel low – I can’t see my girlfriend, I keep getting job rejections and I don’t know when I’ll make it to the UK again.

The day crawls by but finally I make it to 12am and it’s video time. We’ve promised we’re going to talk about things other than jobs, so I’m looking forward to it.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m good at video sex? But my girlfriend does say she wants to have it every time I ask, so I think that’s a yes.

My room is locked, I’m in the bathroom and it’s my turn to be dominant. I’m role playing a rich man and she’s my servant who has stolen something from my mansion.

‘I’m sorry about stealing, sir,’ she says in an innocent voice. I make a motion as if I’m playfully spanking her. ‘I’m going to teach you a very hard le-‘

Before I can finish, the connection gets disrupted. We give up and dirty talk over voice note instead. It’s definitely a different experience but it’s a massive turn on and transports me to another world.

Usually one of us will masturbate while the other watches, but tonight we’re just teasing each other. My first time having voice note sex has been very satisfying. I’ll be using those voice notes to masturbate to while my girlfriend is asleep. I hit the pillow at 4am.

Thursday

After just four hours sleep I’m up and applying to jobs again. At 12pm my queen wakes up in the UK and begins applying too.

When we ultimately can be together, I wonder what will happen next. There are so many tensions between India and Pakistan, and Hindus and Muslims.

My girlfriend and I don’t want to cause a stir, we just want to get married because we love each other. I wonder if that will be enough for our parents when we tell them we’re together?

It’s 12am and I make sure no one can hear me before taking Jaya’s call. We end up bickering about the differences between India and Pakistan and wonder how on earth our families will accept our relationship.

The conversation gets tense but it’s not a full blown argument. We don’t leave it on a good note, both agreeing it’s just best to talk later.

I wish our countries would get along and it wasn’t so complicated – if things weren’t so difficult we wouldn’t have to go to the UK to be together.

I lie awake for a long while before I manage to fall asleep.

Friday

I decide that instead of staying at home today, I should go out of the house and meet friends. But I end up feeling too insecure because they have jobs and I don’t, so instead I stay in and watch Netflix.

At 3pm my parents get back and my mum asks me who was I talking to last night on the phone. I get anxious and I realise she must’ve heard it because it got heated.

I tell her it was just a friend from India who lives in the UK and thankfully she doesn’t ask anymore. My parents are fine with me having Indian friends, but loving an Indian woman and marrying one? All hell would break loose.

I tell this to my girlfriend and it makes her laugh, but it’s a shame that telling our families is something that scares us. People normally feel excited when telling their loved ones about their marriage plans, but we certainly don’t.

Neither of us are really in the mood for sex today. Instead we just talk about what to do when we both are together again. A date night where we order food and watch a romcom sounds nice.

Saturday

I wake up at 3.30pm and I know it’s because I’m not enjoying life in Pakistan – I have no social life and nothing to look forward to.

I check my phone to see a lot of reels from my girlfriend on Instagram. We exchange a lot of reels on Instagram mainly about cats, dogs and interfaith relationships. We are in a reel-ationship at this point.

It hits 12am and like clockwork we video call and start taking our clothes off. I can hear my girlfriend but all I see is a frozen video of her taking off her bra and I’m taking off my pants.

So, we resort to Snapchat, exchanging pictures and videos there instead. We don’t role play tonight, we just send each other videos of us playing with ourselves.

She touches her tongue to indicate that she wants to lick my penis, and I touch my d*ck saying that it has her name written on it.

Sunday

I wake up at 5pm to lots of messages from my girlfriend about how tired she is of our situation.

My girlfriend wonders if we are chasing a mirage. We just need one employer to say yes but our mental health is deteriorating during the process.

We’re questioning what we’re doing with our lives. We know there are compromises and difficulties in relationships but in our case, politics, culture, religion and even travel play a factor. Both of countries have ‘weak’ passports, meaning we have limited access to other countries without the need for a visa. I question what we’re going to do.

We don’t call tonight because Jaya is getting ready for work tomorrow, I’m left to go to bed with no answer about what our future holds.

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