Chappell Roan has sparked controversy by saying that all of her friends who have kids are ‘in hell’.
In the March 26 episode of the Call Her Daddy podcast, she went on to say: ‘I actually don’t know anyone who is like, happy and has children at this age. I have literally not met anyone who is happy, anyone who has light in their eyes, anyone who has slept.’
Whether or not she meant to, she touched a nerve. That’s an understatement actually, she whacked it with a cattle prod because – in the days since – social media has blown up with people on both sides of the fence reacting.
On one side, you have childfree people agreeing with Chappell, applauding her for saying it how it is. And on the other, you have mothers intent on setting the record straight.
Oh my god, I hate all of the in-fighting.
At a time when motherhood – womanhood, actually – is so politicised, I feel the divide between us on this issue only serves to make us weak in a way we cannot afford to be right now.
American women have had their right to choose what to do with their own bodies ripped from them, UK women are facing colossal childcare costs that are forcing them out the workforce at a devastating rate, and the rise of conservatism online is seeing more and more childfree women criticised and judged for their own choices.
As someone who is absolutely exhausted thanks to a sleep-averse toddler and a newborn, I’m not sure I’m making a lot of sense at the moment. But I must say that I personally enjoy motherhood.
But more interesting than my own views on the subject, I think, is the emotionally-charged nature of this topic and getting to the bottom of why some mothers might be feeling like ‘hell’.
The crux of this is that from as early as we are cognisant, little girls are told that having children will fulfil them. Subliminally and overtly, we are pretty much conditioned to believe that having children is our life’s purpose. This really is a message that doesn’t do anyone any good.
For those that don’t have children for whatever reason, they’re treated like their life is missing something, that they are unfulfilled and without purpose – which is obviously horrible.
And for those who do have children? Well, therein lies the trigger. It took becoming a mother for me to learn that the formula was a little bit more complicated than baby = fulfilment.
Because while children are incredibly fulfilling, they will not necessarily completely fulfil you. That is not their job, nor their role. And to be honest, the coolest baby in the world is going to be hard pushed being enough fulfilment that a mother can ignore the society that she lives in.
The society that told her that she needed to ‘have it all’ – the job, the family, the body, the friends, the money, the beauty, the time, the peace, the joy. The reality is, we can’t have all of that. At least, not all at once.
Hence, this is where I believe the ‘hell’ that Chappell discusses comes from.
It is incredibly hard to be a mother in this day and age, but it is very hard to say that out loud because when you do, society’s messaging is parroted back at you.
You’ve had children now, you should be fulfilled, you should be happy, every single minute of every single day, and if you aren’t, then you have failed.
You’re told you’re ungrateful and that this was your choice, and you should be happy about it. This is incredibly detrimental.
On an individual level, it is this rhetoric that means maternal mental health is so bad. But on a societal level, it is dangerous in a whole new way.
When women don’t feel able to complain about motherhood, to acknowledge the difficulties, to highlight an issue, we prevent them from being able to demand a solution. And we desperately need a solution.
It’s gaslighting of a sort, but one that is so intrinsic to our society. It’s so woven into the tapestry of our culture that we often never get far enough back to see the pattern.
I personally don’t think having children is hell. But I do think for a lot of women, they are having children in hell.
They are exhausted, neglected, overstretched, undervalued, and they’re having to work like they don’t have jobs. On top of that, the cost-of-living means parents are making huge and regular sacrifices.
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In spite of all of that, motherhood is beautiful. What we need is women on both sides of this divide to acknowledge that.
To deny the existence of the hell, to negate the bad bits and gloss over the problems, it upholds a system that on one hand takes complete advantage of mothers, giving them no support, financial or otherwise as they get on with the job lauded as ‘the most important’ one they’ll ever have.
And on the other, judges the hell out of all the women who choose a different route for themselves.
As the divide grows ever wider, I worry that within it a truly pervasive misogyny grows.
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing Ross.Mccafferty@metro.co.uk.
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